A journey through our fight against infertility

A second miracle is in the making!!

2011-12-21T18:19:00.000-08:00

Yepp! I am pregnant!! Our frozen embryo transfer was a success!! To be completely honest, I am pretty shocked. I was preparing myself for the moment they told me it was negative. I just haven't had any distinct symptoms like I did last time.

I actually didn't get the call until today because for some reason they never received the fax yesterday. I was sick to my stomach about it but refused to take a urine pregnancy test because I knew that since it had only been 7 days since my transfer that it probably wouldn't register on a HPT.

I accidentally left my numbers at home but I do know that my hCG was 31 (anything over 25 is considered a pregnancy. My hCG was 26 with Avery on the same day) and my progesterone was 30 which she said is great. My estrogen was also in the 400's, I want to say 419. All of these numbers are higher than they were with Avery, so I am praying for another healthy pregnancy!!!

The amount of support has been INCREDIBLE. This news is out in the open as we had SO many people supporting us, and I just couldn't expect them all to wait months to find out. Not to mention, I believe in prayer and the more prayers we have, the better.

I will go on Friday for more bloodwork to make sure my numbers are going up. What an AMAZING Christmas miracle!!!

Thank you everyone!!

Transfer is complete!

2011-12-18T18:39:00.000-08:00

This has been SUCH a busy week for us! Though, I will say that it is better this way. It makes the 1 week wait a lot easier.

The transfer was on Tuesday. We left on Monday afternoon after visiting our dear friends calling hours. The drive was fairly easy and we didn't run into any traffic at all! We only made 2 stops, one was to eat and the other for gas and a restroom break. We made it there around midnight however we didn't get to the hotel until about 12:15. Let me tell you, the roads there are CRAZY! Thank goodness for our GPS! We literally had to drive passed the hotel about 4 different times on 4 different roads to get there, it was the strangest thing! This time we stayed by the airport because a great friend was able to bless us with his friends and family discount. Once we got there, we got settled in and went straight to bed.

We woke up and it was our 8 year anniversary! Perfect timing, eh? We went downstairs for breakfast and got ready. We were able to catch the hotel shuttle to the airport, we then had to catch the train from there. We got off at our usual stop, New York Penn Station. We usually get on the subway there to head to the clinic but we decided to just go up and walk for a bit. It took us right around Times Square and we were able to see the huge Macy's! We had originally planned on having an early lunch at our favorite diner there but since we changed our plans, we didn't really have enough time. We just grabbed a donut and bagel from a cart along the street (SO GOOD!) and went to the clinic.

We arrived a little early but I was taken up and had to change into the gown, booties, and hairnet. I had to wait quite awhile because I guess there was some sort of emergency situation holding the doctor up. There was one lady ahead of me. Once it was my turn it was super quick. I got into the room, got on the bed, put my legs in the stirrups (seriously, I haven't had any modesty for about 5 years), and they showed me our little embryo on the screen. I had to verify that my name was correct. The doctor came in and told me what a beautiful embryo it was. He thought I had a normal delivery however I told him I had to have an emergency c-section and he said that it could potentially lower my chances of conceiving due to the scaring from the surgery.

He inserted the speculum, put the ultrasound want in, and it all started. It was amazing to watch them take the embryo in the catheter and put it into my uterus on the screen. The technology is incredible!!

Afterwards he told me that he "expected me to get pregnant". He was incredibly nice and he was actually the same doctor who did my transfer with Avery. I got off of the table immediately after and went and laid back in a chair for 30 minutes. After that, I received a shot in my buttox of HCG. The nurse also commented on what a beautiful embryo it was. She told me to continue my medication (1 Estrace pill per day and 3 Prometrium suppositories per day) and to not make myself bedridden for the next week and that walking is the best medicine!

I will be having my blood test on Tuesday. Which is now only a day and a half away! Being so busy has really helped keep my mind off of it, which is good. Tomorrow might be a little harder because it is back to the usual routine of work. It was awesome having the last week off.

Anyhow, after I was done there we went to our favorite diner to eat and went back to the hotel. We rested for awhile and then later ordered in dinner and it was SO good! It was a pretty amazing anniversary if I do say so :)

Thank you all for your prayers along the way and PLEASE keep them coming!

I'm not really noticing any symptoms but I'm not worried about it. I'm feeling crampy on and off but that could be from anything. When I was pregnant with Avery the only symptom I really noticed myself was a metal taste in my mouth the day before my blood test. Ross noticed a few different things on my chest last time but I won't mention those, LOL. This time he claims he does..but he's always the positive one!

I will post on Tuesday once I know something! Thank you!

Tentative Transfer Tuesday!

2011-12-08T19:23:00.000-08:00

Yepp, you read it! Things have progressed perfectly so far and I am tentatively scheduled for our embryo transfer on Tuesday! This is provided my blood work Monday is okay.

Tuesday is going to be an incredibly special day. First off, it will most likely be our embryo transfer. Secondly, it is our 8th wedding anniversary!! Is that not crazy timing?? Amazing. It will certainly be a special day. The only thing that is bothering me about the day, is that we will indeed miss the funeral for someone very special to us.

I have tried to think of people that could possibly just go with me so that Ross could stay back (as he was asked to drum for the service). I haven't had any luck..I mean, really it is short notice and people DO have lives! :o) I even asked Ross if I could just go alone..but he definitely wasn't for that.

I will start 2 medications tomorrow: Progesterone and Estrogen. The Progesterone is going to break me in the bank. It is almost $300 for what looked like only 20 days :( It will be worth it though, it's one medication that can really help keep a pregnancy.

So, that is it in a nutshell. We will probably leave Monday evening after our friends calling hours. Please pray that my blood work comes back as it should and that we have safe travels. Also, please pray that the transfer goes well!

Thank you ALL!

Your prayers and kind words are appreciated!!

2011-12-06T18:42:00.000-08:00

I wanted to take some time to say thank you to all of you who have sent positive thoughts, kind words, and prayers. You don't know how much they mean to us!

When battling infertility, a lot of people battle it alone or just with their significant other. A lot of this is from keeping the battle on the down low and not being public with it. We were very quiet about all of this for a good 3 years or so. First off, it's rather embarrassing. Not that it should be embarrassing, but you aren't really sure who WANTS to hear about that intimate part of your life??

We REALLY made this journey public when we started the clinical trial. We had asked for prayers at church and shared our journey prior to, and our close friends and family knew, but that was really it. I will never regret letting the world know that my female anatomy isn't up to par, because not only am I NOT embarrassed of it, you wouldn't believe how many people that have come to me who are/were battling it themselves. To me? That made it all worth it.

I am so thankful that people feel comfortable enough with me that they can come to me and either ask for advice or encouragement. I feel like God put this roadblock in front of me (us) for a reason, and by golly, I will make something of it!

Really, that isn't the whole point of this post. My point is how thankful I (we) are to all of you who have supported us along the way. People we haven't talked to for years have chimed in with such nice things to say, people whom we are very close to, coworkers, etc. All of these things have had a lasting impact on us. Whenever we feel down or stressed, we have been able to count on all of you and we will forever be grateful.

I know that so many of you are praying for us as we are on our 2nd journey to having a baby and let me tell you..your prayers are being answered!!

Today, we realized we are hurting a little bit financially because a check (for a rather large amount, mind you) hasn't come that we were counting on a few weeks ago. This check was to cover the majority of my monitoring appointments as we have to pay out of our pocket for everything. We had planned on having 1 appointment to pay for this week, however it turns out I have to be seen again tomorrow..which means more $$. Of course NOW my body wants to hurry up and do what it's supposed to ;o)

Our account is currently negative but we aren't going to worry about it because we know it will work out. Our biggest concern was how in the world we were going to pay for my appointment tomorrow. Was I going to write a check and hope that it didn't go through until Friday? We had NO idea what to do. Last I checked (which was about a week ago), I had $98 on my HSA card and our savings was down to $80. This wasn't going to pay for my appointment. So, Ross asked me to check how much was in my HSA account and what do you know? We have the EXACT amount plus about $7!! SERIOUSLY?? Our prayers and all of your prayers have been answered. It just worked out like it was supposed to. THIS is why we aren't letting ourselves get stressed. This is costing us a lot of money, but we know (and hope and pray) that it will be worth it.

Let this be a lesson that your prayers go A LONG way!! Even just a few minutes of your time is a true blessing to us.

Going forward, I ask that you pray for us emotionally (this can get VERY stressful at times and heartbreaking), physically (that my body does what it is supposed to do and the transfer works out), financially (that we don't have to do too many more monitoring appointments), timing (that we are able to be here for a dear friends funeral on Tuesday), and also for our safety (we have to travel to NYC for the transfer itself). And of course, please add to the list if you feel necessary :o)

Thank you again to all of you who have supported us, talked about it with us, cared enough to ask about it, prayed about it, and who have just loved us. I tear up when I think about how many people truly love us and are praying that this works out for us. Thank you, and we love you ALL.

Our 2nd journey is officially underway!

2011-11-30T19:35:00.000-08:00

Ross and I have made our 1st trip of our second journey to New York! This was for my Hysteroscopy that pretty much kicks this cycle off. This was an eventful yet relaxing trip, and I can honestly say that it is my favorite trip there ever. The hardest part was leaving Avery for a few days, but I know she was in excellent care and we called to check up on her every few hours.

We dropped Avery off Saturday evening and we hit the road early Sunday morning. It started out rainy but about 2 hours in, the sunrise was absolutely beautiful. Not only was it beautiful, but it was almost calming.

The drive there seemed to fly by. We arrived in Newark, NJ around 3:15 which was about the exact time we had planned on getting there. We checked into our hotel, freshened up a little bit, and then head into the city. We had made the decision to stay overnight because I was due at the clinic at 7am on Monday, and the thought of another driving through the night trip REALLY didn't sound appetizing.

We had decided to go to Times Square. We had been there before but not for very long and we thought there would be a little more to see there. It was amazing (as if it could be anything else)! We went to Toys R Us, The Disney Store, American Eagle, ate at the Shake Shack, and finished up by going to Dylan's Candy Bar..or so we thought! Right near Dylan's Candy Bar was this beautiful park set up with little shops, an ice skating rink, and a carousel. It ended up being Bryant Park, which isn't a park I had ever heard of. It was too cool! Let me also mention that the weather was in the 60's and absolutely gorgeous! Anyhow, we walked through the park and peeked into a few of the shops. Ross insisted that I get a head wrap type thing that I had been really wanting so I did get one of those. We didn't buy anything else except for a Mickey Mouse from the Disney Store with an I <3 NY shirt on. I hope one day that little girl knows how special NYC will be to our family.

We decided to try to make it back to the hotel rather early since we had to be up at 5am the next morning. We knew it would take awhile to catch the train and Subways to the clinic. We got back and were in bed by 10pm..which I thought was great! Right?! Well, it WAS great until I was woken up at 1am by an alarm going off in the hallway of the hotel and flashing lights outside! We had to be evacuated from the hotel..in the middle of the night..in our pajamas. This was lovely! We were outside for about a half hour and we never really found out what the problem was. It wasn't a fire or anything, but we were told something about a wedding party and some of the guests got into a room they weren't supposed to be in..who knows. For the rest of the night, Ross and I were never really able to go back to bed. 5am came awfully fast!

We were quick at getting ready, we had JUST gotten to the shuttle right before it took off, and we caught the train into the city..all in great timing! We navigated on the Subway like it was just yesterday that we were there for our first journey and ended up to the clinic about 15 minutes early. I got signed in and was given a paper that I needed to be seen by billing before any services were provided. I crossed my fingers that it wasn't something serious. It just ended up being that I had to pay for the Frozen Embryo Transfer and the months since June for the storage fee. I was then told that I WAS AT THE WRONG CLINIC!!! The girl was like "you didn't know to go to the Columbus Circle office?", I was like "no, I didn't even know anything about the other office" and she proceeded to say that the person who scheduled it may have just assumed I was a regular patient there and just would have known. Luckily she just called over and told them we were on the way and told us to get a taxi. It didn't take long to get there and it was our FIRST NYC cab ride! It was pretty uneventful (thankfully)!

We got to the clinic for my Hysteroscopy and I must say, it was beautiful! Much different than the other one we had always been to. Not that the other one isn't nice, this one is just much newer and more modern. I was called back, I changed into my gown, booties, and hair net and waited to be taken back. The anesthesiologist then called me and walked me back. I got on the table, and while she was putting my IV in the doctor was just talking to me. Next thing I know, she told me to enjoy the Bahamas and I was OUT! After that, I slightly remember getting shaken and then walked to the recovery area. I was feeling pretty crampy. She came back in to check on me and said I didn't look so hot so she gave me a shot of some sort of pain medicine in my IV and then I felt wonderful! I was in recovery for probably 45 mins to an hour. I got my paperwork and had my FMLA forms filled out and we were on our way! We made it back to the hotel around 11:45 and checkout was at noon so we made perfect time.

The ride home felt like forever even though I slept for most of it. Ross was a true champ driving all of the way home..granted I couldn't have even if I wanted to. I was SO tired I could barely keep my eyes open. The last time I had it, I was the same way. The BEST part was picking up our Aves :) She LOVED her Mickey!

I am feeling okay now. I have been bleeding pretty heavily which they said can last for 7-10 days. I'm not cramping too bad but I have had a few dizzy spells, and earlier at work I felt absolutely horrid and sick to my stomach for about 45 minutes. I'm not really sure what that was about but I'm thinking it could possibly be from the antibiotic I am on.

Our next step? Monitoring this coming Monday. We have decided to do the monitoring here so please pray that everything works out smoothly. Also, they will especially be checking my endometrial lining to see if it is thick enough to proceed with the transfer this cycle or if we will have to wait for next..so keep your fingers crossed that it works out! I will keep you posted!

Oh, to NYC we will go!

2011-11-25T19:36:00.000-08:00

It's true! Ross and I will be beginning another journey to NYC! We are proceeding with doing a frozen embryo transfer this month (provided all goes well)! We decided to do this officially a couple of weeks ago. It has been a little stressful coordinating things from a different state but I know that if we did it before, we can do it again!!

Thankfully, this time around there won't be as many trips necessary and we are even able to do some of the monitoring here in Ohio if we choose. We are trying to decide what to do because it will cost us more money to do it here in Ohio, but of course it will be a lot harder to travel back and forth.

We decided to do this because we have one frozen embryo left and felt it was the right time. I am a giant ball of emotions right now about it all. I am excited for the journey, I am nervous, scared, hopeful, etc. This could potentially be our last shot at having another child. I want this so badly for Avery, I feel like she deserves a sibling. Words can't express how much I love her!

I will go into more depth at another time, but we will be traveling to NYC on Sunday for a Hysteroscopy on Monday. I had one of these while doing the clinical trial for our IVF. They pretty much clean out my uterus and give it the best possible environment for an embryo to attach. They are doing this because I have endometriosis and also since I had a c-section, they want to make sure they remove any scar tissue that may be present. I am praying I have an easier time this time around as I had a lot of pain and bleeding a few days after the procedure that caused me to go to the emergency room.

We decided to make a little (very little) getaway out of this trip. We thought since I had to be there so early on Monday it would be best to stay overnight rather than drive over night like we did in the past. We are hoping to go into the city for the evening and see a little more than we did before. What better time to be traveling to NYC than around the Holidays?!

We are both excited for this journey, and we ask for all of the prayers we can get. They worked last time and I pray they work this time! Stay tuned..our next month will be busy!!

Avery Hope is 20 months!

2011-11-20T14:25:00.000-08:00

Hi everyone!

I figured since it has been awhile I should update on my miracle, Avery Hope. I always vow to stay up to date and to post consistently but I am REALLY going to make an effort.

Avery amazes me every single day. She is talking like crazy, sweet, adorable, smart, fun, etc. I could go on and on for days! I know of course I am bias but she seriously amazes me at how smart she is. There isn't one day that goes by that I don't look at her and think about how lucky I am to have her in my life. It makes every bit of our journey worth it and words can't express how much I love her!!

On Friday we put up our Christmas trees. Yes, plural. We have our own tree and Avery has one. Last year she didn't really care about it, but this year? OMG. She LOVES it. When I mention going downstairs, she said "Tree". When we pull into the driveway, she says "Tree". She LOVES it! On Friday all we had on it were the lights and every time the lights weren't on, she made us plug them in..LOL! Today we bought a few more ornaments for her tree. I handed her a clip on butterfly that we bought and she went straight over to the tree and tried to set it on a branch! I just sat and was amazed that she had any idea on what to do! Her tree is decorated with pink and white LED's with mostly pink ornaments with some other colors like orange and blue.

Life isn't ALWAYS beautiful. She throws her occasional temper tantrum, but that is certainly to be expected :) I just try to enjoy every single bit of parenthood that I can, good AND bad. I'm just thankful I get to experience it.

This week is Thanksgiving and I am SO excited!! Last year Avery was just beginning to eat table food so I am really excited for her to enjoy it this year. We went to Sams Club today and they had a ton of samples and one she REALLY liked was pumpkin cheesecake!

We have really enjoyed Christmas shopping for Avery too. I have a feeling she is going to be spoiled, just as she was last year :) I seriously can't help it though, we waited SO long for this and she is just so special. I'm anxious to watch Christmas shows with her. She already loves Christmas music..we play it in the car. The other day she got mad when I turned the channel! LOL! It's amazing to see her personality come out and see what things she really loves.

Avery still loves Mickey Mouse and has started watching a new show called Bubble Guppies. It could quite possibly be the cutest TV on, LOL. She loves to do puzzles, "read" books, color, etc. She REALLY loves dogs. Any dog she sees she wants to pet. Actually, she really loves all animals. We have now acquired 3 fish and a tank due to her, LOL. We went grocery shopping and she wasn't feeling that great so she wasn't too happy so daddy took her to go look at the "fishies". She didn't want to leave them, so we decided to get her some. They still haven't gotten old to her! She loves to feed them each day and watch them :)

We also have been doing a Mommy and Me gymnastics class every Saturday morning. She has done SO well there! She is able to now do a somersault on her own now and can walk across the beam without slipping off. All in a matter of 6 weeks! SO cute!

Well, I know that I missing a ton but I have to run. I'll keep posting :) Here are a few updated pics of our little miracle.

He was a Daddy before he was a Daddy

2011-06-22T13:38:00.000-07:00

In honors of Father's Day, I wanted to take the time to recognize my husband and what a great Father he is and WAS even before we were physically parents.

I am truly blessed to be married to a man who is so dedicated to his family. He is an amazing Father. Our schedules don't allow us to have much family time but he is home everyday during the day with Avery. They go for walks, he takes her shopping, they bring be surprises at work, he bathes her, he cuddles with her, he LOVES her. As much as I hate that we don't see each other through the week, I KNOW that out of all of this, AVERY is the one who is blessed. She is with 1 of her parents literally every hour of the day. These days, I just don't trust anyone to keep her..like a babysitter.

The title of this entry is "He was a Daddy before he was a Daddy". I think this stands true for any couple who battle infertility and go through treatments. I see how dedicated Ross is to our family now and it was no different before we had Avery. He went to EVERY single appointment when doing treatments including blood draws, he watched the screen closely during ultrasounds, he held me when I was in tears because a cycle didn't go our way or had to be cancelled, he took time off of work when he needed to, he took a class on how to give me injections, he gave me my injections and reminded me to take my pills, he held my hand through ALL off it. As I look back, I knew then that he would have been a great Father..but those were amazing signs at how he was going to be with our daughter. He did what it took while battling infertility PLUS more and it never stopped.

Father's Day and Mother's Day used to be 2 of the hardest holidays when battling infertility. Now? They are incredibly amazing and we cherish the opportunity to be able to celebrate them as parents. He always made it a point to still get me a gift and a card from our future children...how sweet is that? He always seemed to have more hope than I did, and looking back I appreciate it..then? Not so much :)

This is a short post, but I knew I needed to take the time. I am so blessed and I am so thankful that Avery has such an amazing daddy.

National Infertility Awareness Week: A harsh reality of what goes into a cycle

2011-04-26T19:54:00.000-07:00

I am going to go ahead and put a disclosure on this post and say that it MAY be graphic, so if you don't want to read, DON'T. But, this is a harsh reality of what may occur during a cycle when you are going through infertility treatments.

I am NOT kidding, don't read if you can't handle it..I'm not going to hold back. It is National Infertility Awareness Week, so I am going to make you aware :)

First off, in order to suppress cysts (if they are present) you may be put on birth control pills. This may not sound like a big deal, but it's just the start of getting pumped full of hormones.

The dreaded Aunt Flo. When she comes, that is when your cycle starts. We call this Cycle Day 1. When she is present (generally cycle days 1-5), this is when we pretty much pop Pamprin, are bloated, wear mattress pads, sleep with heating pads, and feel like we could throw up from the cramping.

Sometimes in a cycle we are put on a tiny pill called Clomid. This pill is generally taken for 5 days (it is the doctors discretion as to when it is to be started) and it helps with producing eggs for ovulation. This little pill has a HUGE affect on you mentally. Never in my entire life have I ever experienced such mood swings. I called these "the Clomid Crazies" and I am not kidding. You can also experience hot flashes as if you were going to menopause. Nothing looks more crazy than driving down the road with your head out the window when it's 20 degrees out.

Injectibles are often times used as the step AFTER Clomid. These stimulate your ovaries and produce eggs (and yes, eggs is supposed to be PLURAL). There is a much higher chance of multiples with injectibles. These are once again started at the discretion of your doctor and what days they feel necessary. ALSO, they will decide what dosage you are to be given after monitoring (which will be discussed next). One medication for example that may be used is Follistim. You are given a "pen" looking thing and you load it with what you receive from the pharmacy. I ordered these through my mail order pharmacy and it came equipped with a sharps container, gauze, alcohol pads, tons of extra needles, etc. My medication had to be given in the stomach at least 1 inch away from my belly button. These are given according to the size of the eggs you are producing, once they are mature you discontinue. By the end of this time, your stomach is full of dark bruises and someone might think you have been punched in the gut one too many times.

During a cycle with injectibles (whether it be with IVF, IUI, etc) you may be monitored by your doctor. Generally this starts with getting blood drawn and heading down to the office at the butt crack of dawn. Once you are taken back to the room, you have to do the typical "dress from the waist down" and cover up with the not so covering paper sheet, the doctor comes in (mind you, it may not be your doctor..just whoever had the early shift that day) and your feet go into the fabulous stirrups. You scootch your butt to the edge of the table and an ultrasound wand (aka "wandy") gets shoved up you to see how thick your lining is and how many follicles/eggs are there and their size. This is the moment of truth...you either continue with the meds, you are ready to go, or your cycle is cancelled all together because you have been overstimulated. If you are to continue the meds, you are told to either come back the next day to repeat it all (which means MORE blood work..we pretty much look like we are heroin addicts at the end), you proceed with the next step, or you go home to sulk and cry because the 7 shots you gave yourself in the stomach didn't matter.

The next step is probably another shot. This shot though, can be a mother of a shot. I had to give mine to myself in my leg, however when I did Invitro they gave it to me in my butt. It is NOT always a small needle. This shot is an hCG shot which is given to you generally 36 hours before the doctor wants you to ovulate. This is used whether it be for timed intercourse, IUI (intrauterine insemination) or for IVF (which would be for an egg retrieval).

Intrauterine Insemination could be done next. Your partner goes in, does his "job", and they "wash" the sperm to get rid of the bad ones. You put your legs in the fabulous stirrups, the doctor inserts a catheter into your uterus, and then puts the sperm into the catheter which puts it into the uterus. They have you then lay there for a little while to let the sperm swim around and hopefully find your egg.

IVF (invitro fertilization) is another option. I won't go too much into depth but you generally go through an egg retrieval (where they take your eggs out of your ovaries). They then do what they need to do in a little petri dish and you then have to wait a certain amount of days (depending on your doctor, if your embryos have fertilized, etc) for them to be put back in. Once there are (or IF) viable embryos that have fertilized well, they will then be placed into your uterus. You then go though the dreaded 2 week wait.

Last up is a beta..which is a pregnancy test by blood. Once again, more blood work...once your arm is healed from all of the drawing, there's MORE! This is then the fate of your future..think you could focus on anything but waiting for the results that day? Right.

This is just general information and information from experience. Not all cycles are the same and not all of the same things happen in the same order. I just wanted to put into perspective of what we might be going through during a cycle, when you wake up 1 day pregnant and all it took was a night out at the bar.

I hope you learned something, and until tomorrow!

(by the way, disregard things that don't make sense, I am SO tired!)
xoxo
Jenn

National Infertility Awareness Week: The PAIN associated with Infertility

2011-04-25T14:51:00.000-07:00

Bear in mind, that I am SO blessed and SO lucky to have finally been given a beautiful daughter. But, the PAIN that is associated with infertility is unforgettable. I post these so that you can either A) relate to the pain and be assured that you aren't crazy for feeling that way OR B) UNDERSTAND what a friend or family member may be going through and try to be supportive of their feelings. Some of the feelings WE feel both physically and mentally:

Angry: There are SO many times we feel angry. We feel angry when a long awaited cycle is cancelled (because your body is yet again not working right). We are angry when we sit and ponder WHY this has to be happening to us. WHY our bodies aren't working like everyone elses. We are angry when we are given bullshit diagnosis's. We are angry when friends and family aren't supportive, etc.

Annoyed: We get annoyed when "fertile" people complain when their back is hurting from being pregnant. We are annoyed when you complain about ANYTHING relating to pregnancy!! We wish that you would see how LUCKY you are to be pregnant and we would give ANYTHING to be able to experience the morning sickness that YOU are complaining about. We are annoyed when you don't realize what a true blessing that baby keeping you up in the middle of the night is. WE WOULD TRADE YOU PLACES ANY DAY.

Bitter: We are bitter at pregnancy announcements. It happens. It's hard to see pregnancy announcements day after day on facebook. MANY of us cancel social networking accounts because of this. Put yourself in our shoes, please.

Disappointment: This happens A LOT. Imagine this: Walking into your doctors office after shooting yourself in the stomach for 7 days in a row in the stomach, only to be told that the medication wasn't working the way it should and your cycle has to be cancelled. The disappointment is terrible..you have worked SO hard only to be told to "forget it".

Discouraged: We feel discouraged often and we constantly need reminders of "hope" from our fellow infertile friends that it WILL happen.

Miserable: There are SO many ways we feel miserable. Physically we feel miserable when our ovaries feel like they are the size of grapefruits after being pumped with a crazy amount of drugs to make eggs..this sometimes even results in having to go up a size or two in your pants because of being so bloated. OR, there are the times you are so miserable and bruised on your stomach, legs, butt, and arm from being "shot up" every day. Giving yourself shots every day and getting blood taken every other day for monitoring makes us look like we are heroin addicts. It HURTS.

Guilt: Whether the infertility be because of the man, woman, or both, the guilt can cripple a relationship if it's not talked about. For example: I felt SO guilty for not being able to provide my husband with a child. I felt like I was keeping him from his dream. I honestly thought about leaving him because the guilt was so terrible. Who was I to keep this man who would be an AMAZING father from being one? This weighed heavy on my heart, and I know that it does every single person who is battling this right now.

Indecisive: Do we keep trying to conceive? Do we attempt IVF? Is adoption for us? Should we use donor sperm? Should we use a donor egg? Do we live childless? SO many decisions that affect your lives.

Embarrassed: We feel embarrassed because our bodies don't work right. We feel embarrassed in the beginning when we have to open our legs to 5 different doctors in 1 week because THAT'S who has the early shift. We feel embarrassed to talk about it because it seems like we are the ONLY ones who are going through this hardship. That is what this week is about..getting the word out so that we don't have to be embarrassed any more!

Skeptical: We are skeptical if a procedure or medication is going to work. Cycle after cycle we see a negative sign over and over again, yes we are skeptical.

Lost or Alone: We feel lost in this world. We feel that our calling to be parents has been lost. We feel lost because we have no one to talk to. We feel like we are the only ones. Did YOU know that infertility affects 1 in 8? Indeed we are NOT alone..but it certainly feels like it. We feel alone when it seems NO ONE understands. Not your best friend, not your friends, not your mom, not your siblings, NO ONE..including your significant other.

Pessimistic: I can honestly say this was me more times than not. The WORST thing you can say is "it will happen when the time is right". Pretty much anytime this was said to me, my eyes rolled. My doctor would think "this is the month" but do you think I did? Absolutely not. 5 years later I knew better.

Fatigue: You wouldn't believe how tired the stress and medication can make you! It is EXHAUSTING to go through the testing, the meds, the 2ww (two week wait before your period after ovulation), and not to mention if it's a failed cycle..when you're PMS'ing.

Frustrated: We are frustrated because no one seems to understand or know the right thing to say to us. We are frustrated because our cycle is another bust. We are frustrated because our bodies aren't working the way they should. We are FRUSTRATED.

Terrified: We are terrified at the fact that we may NEVER be parents, can YOU imagine never getting something you are working SO hard to get? Terrified at the proposed procedures or medications your doctor wants you to try next. Wouldn't you be terrified to give yourself a shot every day? I guess this is worse for some people than others..but it's VERY scary at first especially!

Anxious: During the 2ww (two week wait) after ovulation, we are SO anxious. Anxious for our beta (pregnancy test by blood) or the date you are supposed to take a hpt (home pregnancy test). These 2 weeks couldn't go by any slllooooowwwweeeeerrrrr.

Crushed/Heartbroken: Nothing hurts worse than seeing a negative pregnancy test. ESPECIALLY when you thought for SURE that this month was it. This was the first time I physically could feel my heart HURT. You spend the 2 week leading up to the big day by thinking every single pain or twinge is a sign that you might be pregnant..only to realize you couldn't be less pregnant. We feel our hearts breaking also when we realize that the baby we have finally conceived is going to miscarry..I have seen this happen to WAY too many of my friends. My heart aches for them.

Offended: We are offended by insensitive comments. It's not cool to say things like "so, are you pregnant yet?" or "it will happen" because here's the thing..YOU don't know that..so DON'T give us false hope! We are offended by your complaints of your kids keeping you up at night, we are offended at your insensitivity to the fact that we can't conceive what we want most.

Grief: I am SO lucky to have not suffered through a miscarriage, BUT, many of my friends have and grief is something they have to deal with for a VERY long time. Too many of my friends have tried to conceive for years only to it result in losing the baby. Grief fills MY heart for them..so I can only imagine how they feel..Lord willing, I will never have to feel that.

I have made a pretty decent list, but you all need to know that this doesn't even cover HALF of what we feel. This week is for Awareness, so that's what I'm doing, I am making you aware of infertility and how it affects those going through it.

Remember that infertility affects 1 in 8, so chances are you KNOW someone who is feeling all of the things listed above. PLEASE be more aware, choose your words wisely, and be there for us!!

Jenn

It's National Infertility Awareness Week!

2011-04-25T14:02:00.000-07:00

Yepp, you read it right, 1 week dedicated to spreading the awareness for those battling infertility. I feel that this is such an important week and we need to make those going through infertility know that they aren't the only ones!!

If you don't know me, here is quick bit about OUR battle with infertility:

My husband and I started trying to conceive (now) over 6 years ago. After about a year and I half I just knew that something was seriously wrong. I was referred to an OB, had an HSG (showed clear tubes) and did 4 rounds of Clomid after he decided there was no more he could do for us. We were then referred to a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) who then did more testing, I did 2 more rounds of Clomid (added a trigger shot), injections (Follistim and trigger), had a Laparaoscopy (diagnosed with stage 2-3 endo), and Follistim + trigger + IUI (artificial insemination), ALL with NO luck. This was all over the course of about 2 and a half years.

I was then diagnosed with 'unexplained infertility' (i.e the biggest bullshit diagnosis in the WORLD) and was told that IVF would be our only option. We had NO way to pay thousands of dollars for IVF so God worked his magic and placed an IVF trial study in our hands and there it happened!

Reading this, it doesn't sound so bad...right? THINK AGAIN. There are so many more things to say but if you want to know more about our journey (as far as the IVF trial study) please feel free to read back on my previous posts.

This is the start to my posts, stay tuned as I'm about to blog another :)

Jenn

Houston, we have an embryo left!

2011-03-11T13:05:00.000-08:00

Well, you heard it! We finally heard back from New Hope and we DO indeed have 1 frozen embryo there! We have been trying to get in touch with the clinical research coordinator for nearly a year to find out the status. We wanted to know so that we had some closure if they ended up destroying it. It's kind of interesting on how we finally found out!

I searched for New Hope Fertility Center on facebook just to see if they had a page and there ended up being one, so I 'liked' it. I left a comment on their wall stating my appreciation for the clinic and everyone who worked there because they were all so fabulous. The next day I got a message from the administrator of the page thanking me for leaving such a nice comment and that the clinical research coordinator was also appreciative for me saying those things. He proceeded to then ask me if I would be interested in doing a video interview for the clinic! They are putting together positive stories, I'm assuming to show patients or those interested in the clinic.

I immediately said yes and said that I would be willing to make a trip back to NYC to do so. I just try SO hard to give others HOPE that are going through the same thing, and I REALLY owe the clinic that. Infertility is a heart wrenching thing to go through and I HATE seeing people go through that kind of pain. I want to put my story out there for them so they hang on and see the beautiful outcome.

I told him that we will be vacationing in Florida in April and that I would like to come in May for the video, so he wants me to get in touch a little closer to then and he said he will make it work. I feel VERY flattered to have been asked to do such a thing. I will never TRULY understand the reasoning God chose me to be infertile, but what I can do, is help others through it as best as I can. And who knows, maybe that's why he chose me.

At any rate, we still have an embryo so we need to decide shortly on if we plan on leaving it banked in NYC or if we want to bring it back to a clinic here and PRAY we will one day have enough money to do a Frozen Embryo Transfer. It's amazing the things that we will do for our kids, both future AND present :)

My little miracle is 1!!

2011-03-08T14:05:00.000-08:00

Hey everyone!!

Well, I know I've been MIA lately but life here has been SO crazy! We moved into a new house in February and then only had about 3 weeks to get Avery's 1st Birthday party all together. The move went great and her birthday and party went even better!!

On Friday (her actual birthday), we did a few errands to finish up getting ready for her party..but not before I made her a pancake breakfast! In the evening we went and had dinner with Ross's family to celebrate and finished the night by coming home and letting her tear into a cupcake! (For practice for the big party, of course!)

On Saturday we had her actual birthday party and it was GREAT! We had over 50 people come and it went as smooth as it possibly could with that many people in 1 house! The theme was "1 Big Apple Birthday". For those of you who don't know, New York City is VERY special to us, as that is where the clinic was to where we traveled back and forth about 15 times for an IVF clinical trial. We figured we would chose it this year since it's one of the birthday's we actually get to choose :)

Here are a few pictures:

So, there are just a few pics!! I will post later about how Avery's doing :) Which, btw, she is doing GREAT!

xoxo,
Jenn

Avery is almost 1!!

2011-01-12T13:56:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I swore that I was going to get BETTER at this! Not worse! I'm going to seriously buckle down on this because SO much has happened and Avery is getting so big!

First off, Avery is 10 months! Can you believe it?! I can't. Seems like yesterday when I was rushed into the operating room! She has been nothing but a huge blessing to us, and I am SO thankful everyday for her. She is hilarious and has such an incredible sense of humor. She is currently transitioning to "real" table food, has 4 teeth and is getting 4 more, she crawls everywhere, constantly pulls herself up, and so much more!

We are starting the process of her first birthday party, which I am both excited AND sad about. I really don't think you realize how fast time flies until you really have a baby yourself. She looks so big drinking out of her sippy cup! :( Anyhow, here are some pics so YOU can see just how big she is getting!!

Anyhow, there are some pics, I WILL get better at updating, I promise!

That question..ALREADY?!

2010-08-18T17:56:00.000-07:00

I know that I am terrible at updating this..but I assure you, the next post will be filled with tons of fabulous information about Avery and TONS of pics! However, this post..is more of a vent I suppose.

Yesterday I was asked THAT question that I have been dreading.

"So, are you going to have any more kids?"

Really? UGH. Well, my short response was: "if I can!" and I kind of chuckled it off. What I REALLY wanted to say was: "do YOU have the thousands of dollars so I CAN have more kids?!". I have been going along just enjoying my time with Avery and there hasn't been a day that I have taken for granted with her, but this question just made my chest tighten up. I am SO blessed after more than 4 years of TTC to finally have the baby I have dreamed about..but I can't help but feel only panic when thinking about what if we can't have any more?

Am I being selfish to want more than 1? The whole time while TTC I would pray that God would just let me have 1 baby and that's all I would ever ask for. But, now that she's here? Guess my opinion changed. She's here and I would love to have a million kids. However, duh, that's not going to happen..but is it REALLY greedy of me to want more than 1 when it feels like the rest of the world can have however many they WANT and can start and stop whenever they WANT? I don't think it's greedy or selfish.

I did post a bit of a rant last night on facebook and I got some great responses..supportive responses. Then I also got some asshat responses (which is to be expected I suppose) about how Avery is all I need. REALLY?! Do you REALLY know what I need!? Who the heck are you to tell me that?? I guess people who have never dealt with infertility should just keep their traps shut. You don't KNOW the pain. You don't KNOW the frustration. You don't KNOW the emptiness in my heart. YOU DON'T KNOW!!

I'm so frustrated sitting back and having to watch other women dealing with infertility because I KNOW how awful it is. All I can do is offer words of encouragement and I hope they take my story and have a small glimpse of hope. I'm so angry at how unfair infertility is..it's JUST SO UNFAIR!

Anyway, I have a ton more to say but I better leave it at that :) Please don't think I am not thankful for my miracle Avery because I am SO incredibly thankful and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't thank God for giving me her. Just after going through 4 years of hell..I don't want to face that ever again. I HATE INFERTILITY!!

xoxo,
Jenn

Well..she's here! And has been here for awhile!

2010-05-19T13:57:00.001-07:00

Sooo maybe I am terrible at updating this thing! Well for starters Avery Hope was born on March 4, 2010! Here's the story!

Well, as you know my last post was stating that I was heading in the next day to be induced. Well, as I was writing it all out I was having some contractions here and there. Around 3 o'clock I had taken a nap and woke up at about 5 with a contraction. I then had them about every half hour for about 2 hours. I really didn't think too much of it but when I went to the bathroom I noticed I was bleeding. I didn't feel very good about that because usually during pregnancy blood is a BAD thing! At least, that's what I had always assumed! Anyhow, I called the doctor because I just wanted to be sure! About 20 mins after I called my doctor called back and by then my contractions were about 10 minutes apart. She said to go ahead and just come in because she was staying at the hospital that night anyways so we would just go ahead and get things started.

Well, I called and told Ross and while he was on his way home from work I went ahead and jumped in the shower. At this point the contractions were probably 6-7 mins apart. We got to the hospital and since it was after hours we had to go through the emergency room (which, mind you, is all the way at the other end of the hospital!). Once we got up to the maternity floor and got our paper work done, we went to the back and I got changed into a gown and everything. My doctor came in and checked me and I was about a whopping 1 cm! LOL!. She officially decided to keep me and 10 mins later we were in a room.

I got situated and sat in a chair for a bit and had a popsicle. Stupid me hadn 't eaten anything since lunch but once I started getting contractions I just didn't feel much like eating..but I wish I had because I was pretty nauseous! I sat in the chair for a bit and decided that I wanted to go ahead and lay down and I asked for something for my nausea. My nurse asked me if I wanted to go ahead and get an epidural or get some pain meds because she checked me and I was at about 2 1/2. I decided to go ahead and get the epidural (bc heck, if they were offering it..I was going to take it!) because they assured me it would not run out (like I had heard as a r umor).

The anesthesiologist was GREAT! He told me everything he was doing and I barely felt a thing! All I felt was some clicking deep in my back for a few seconds but that was it! Once I got that, I layed down and my nurse put my catheter in. I started going numb and the contractions were GONE! It was amazing because once I had that they started speeding up like CRAZY! I was feeling really uncomfortable though from the catheter..I was burning for some reason and it wouldn't go away! So, since it was about 2 in the morning we decided to go ahead and try to sleep as much as we could...well about 5 seconds after that I heard/felt this giant POP and a big gush of water!! My water broke! I called for the nurse and she came in and I asked if it was clear and she said no..there was maconium (sp?) in the fluid. My nurse came back in and checked me and said that I was then at about 4 and she would be right back. My heart instantly sunk! She was gone for a bit and then comes back in..but this time with another nurse, my doctor, and an ultrasound machine!

My doctor says "I could have swore that this baby was head down at your last appointment"....WHAT!!! Yepp, Ms Avery was breech! So, I ended up getting prepped for a c-section. I was okay with it and wasn't even scared in the slightest bit. I just knew it was what needed to be done and to be honest I was a little relieved! I was burning SO bad from the catheter it was almost unbearable! Anyhow..csection went great and we were blessed with our little princess!!

She really is SO amazing and I am blessed in every way. I have enjoyed every minute with her and it was worth every bit of the wait! She is amazing!

She is sleeping great so far! She goes to bed around 9..wakes up around 4 or 5am to eat, and then goes back to bed until about 9! Talk about amazing! Of course it wasn't always like that but it's awesome. I am back to work, I had 8 weeks after I had her off which was awesome. It was pretty hard for the first 2 weeks after. I just was uncomfortable and got really tired easily..I pretty much just did way too much.

Anyhow, I'm going to go ahead and post some pics now..enjoy!

Tomorrow is the day!!

2010-03-03T16:35:00.000-08:00

Well, I am being induced TOMORROW! This little girl isn't in much of a hurry to come out! I go in at 6:30pm so we will most likely be meeting our miracle sometime Friday afternoon! I have been sitting here in disbelief..because I just can't believe it is finally happening! I'm so anxious to see her and actually meet this miracle who has been inside of me for 9 months! A miracle that we tried so hard for over 4 years to have. I can assure you I will never take her for granted. We are so blessed to be able to have this baby and I think sometimes people don't take the time to realize how lucky they are. I guess it's a little easier to see when you struggle for so long with infertility.

I'm so excited to see if she has hair, if she has long fingers, her feet, legs, little butt, ears, etc. I'm so excited about every part of this baby. She is the true definition of a miracle and I have only God to thank for her!

I'm a little nervous about labor to be honest..it's just scary to me..but at the same time I'm so thankful I actually get to experience it. It's something I never thought would come. At my last appointment I was only a fingertip dilated so what they have to do is use a foley catheter (it has a balloon) and manually dilate me to about 3-4 where it will then fall out and they will use some sort of hormone cream before they can even begin potocin (sp?).

So, that is that for now..in a mere 2 days I will be holding my miracle in my arms! Here are some of our maternity pics we got back!!

It's almost time!

2010-02-23T16:53:00.000-08:00

WOW! I am just a few days away from my due date! I have been really terrible about updating this blog though..I don't know why I find it a chore to sit down and write, but I do! Everything has been going really well. At my last few appointments there has really been no change..I'm not dilated at all but she has definitely dropped. Lately I have been feeling uncomfortable but that is to be expected for sure.

I have an appointment tomorrow so maybe we will have made some progress by then! If not, my doctor said we will probably induce around 41 weeks and if we wanted to go a few days after (to give myself a chance to go into labor on my own) then we could but we will definitely not go over 42 weeks because that gets to be too dangerous for the baby.

At this point, I am just getting SO anxious! There were 8 woman due within 2 weeks of me and they have ALL had their babies! It's just such a crazy thought that we tried for over 4 years to have this baby..and now we are (hopefully) days away from meeting our little miracle! I can't thank God enough. I am just so thankful for the opportunity we had with the trial study and have a hard time believing that it's even still real! For the record, I guess the clinic is now doing Mini IVF as an option and not just for the trial study..I am SO glad!

I will post a few pics of Avery's nursery now..it's pretty much done! I just can't wait to bring her home to it!

There are a few pics of her nursery. That's all I have for now, the next update with me the announcement of Miss Avery Hope!!

Christmas and 31 weeks!

2009-12-28T15:27:00.000-08:00

Hey everyone!! I hope you all had a blessed Christmas. Our Christmas this year was really good, minus the fact that Ross had to work..but he did it so he can be home for Avery's first Christmas next year! I had such a great time with both of our families, I'm so thankful for all of them. Best gift was the HD Camcorder my parents bought us. We totally didn't expect that! They had already gave us money to put towards our new computer (since our other one blew up) and also a Keurig coffee maker..so that was MORE than enough right there! The camcorder will be SO great so we can put videos online for my family in California and of course to just be able to have videos of Avery.

The fact that Christmas is now over makes me realize how quickly the time is approaching that we will be meeting our little princess! 2 months, that's it! My first shower is on January 9th and I couldn't be more excited for it! I have dreamed of this for YEARS! I'm a little anxious about timing with everything and whether or not we will have everything we need..but I'm sure we will be fine. There's always "what ifs" and I question everything! Like, how many newborn outfits do we need? What about 0-3? 3-6? Crazy!

Anyhow, I am feeling pretty good still! Thankfully! I can tell I am definitely getting sleepy as the days go by..but my body is feeling good. She is getting the hiccups constantly, and seems to be moving more and more! It's funny sometimes when I'm sitting because my whole belly moves! It's such a funny feeling but also funny to watch. I am still on every 2 week appointments so my next one is this Wednesday

Here are a few pics for ya! The belly pics are at 31 weeks.

Okay! That's it for now! I hope you all have a great New Year's!

29 almost 30 weeks!

2009-12-15T15:35:00.000-08:00

WOW! Can you believe it?! I feel like the last half of this pregnancy is flying by! I guess it doesn't help that it is around the holiday's and everything..that always makes time fly it seems. I am feeling really good though! Belly is growing every day and her movements are getting stronger and more often too! I think for the first time I over-did it on Saturday. We had an "Ugly Christmas Sweater" Party. We spent the day cleaning and making food so I was on my feet all day..by the end of the night I felt SOOOO exhausted and sore! I woke up on Sunday feeling fine though.

We also celebrated our 6 year anniversary on Sunday. 6 years! Can you believe it?! 6 years ago I was an 18 year old..and here we are, finally getting our wish! We've come such a long way in 6 years..that's for sure.

Anyhow, I have my 30 week appointment tomorrow. After that..I start going every 2 weeks! Holy cow! I really can't believe how fast this is going! I am trying to cherish it as much as I can..because we really don't know if I will ever be able to get pregnant again..without IVF. Let's just pray that another one is in God's plan :)

Well..here are some pics..one is of me and my ugly sweater before our party on Saturday!

The last one is of us just heading out the door to the zoo..just thought I'd throw a recent picture of "us" in there!

Merry Christmas!
xoxo
Jenn

25 weeks and Avery's Nursery!

2009-11-17T14:37:00.000-08:00

Wow! 25 weeks already! In the beginning it seemed like time was creeping by but now it seems like it is going SO fast! I am feeling great so far, I can feel the exhaustion coming back. It's not the same as it was in the beginning where I couldn't get through the day without a nap, but I can feel myself getting really exhausted. However, once I get home and get ready for bed it's hard to actually sleep! My mind races about this and that and it's like my body is so tired but my brain isn't.

We received a gift in the mail from Target last week from a guy that Ross knows from the internet. This is the 2nd surprise from people we know via internet. SO sweet!!! It sure does brighten your day when things like that happen! This passed weekend we started Avery's nursery! We painted the walls and put together all of her furniture. Just by doing that I feel SO much better. We still have to get her bedding and we are really thinking about doing a mural on the wall to match the bedding but we will decide that for sure once we see the bedding in the room. We hope to get her room done by the holidays/Christmas. It gets so busy around the holidays and everything and my first shower will be January 9th, so I want the room ready to go so we just have to put everything away. I can't believe how quickly it's all happening!

Well, here are some pictures..first off my 25 week pic!

Here are some before pics of the nursery....

And after it's painted and the furniture is together!

Okay! That's it for now!

xoxo,
Jenn

Oops..it's been awhile!

2009-11-09T14:19:00.000-08:00

WOW! I can't believe it! I am already 24 weeks along! The pic above is me at 23 weeks however..I haven't gotten my new pictures uploaded. I am just in AWE of how amazing this experience is! I love my little girl so much I can't even stand it! Now I am REALLY feeling her kicks and even Ross is able to feel them a lot of the time. Her personality is already so stinkin cute!

My last appointment was at 22 weeks and I was measure at 21 which is totally normal. You should measure within 2 weeks of how far you actually are, either way. I'm hoping she will stay smaller as she has been. At our ultrasound with the doctor, she was in the 35th percentile. My OB says no big babies for me! I'm too small to handle a big baby. My next appointment is @ 26 weeks and I will be doing my glucose test (wish me luck!).

We have purchased all of our furniture!!! Yay! We just really need to get the bedding now so that we can paint and get everything put together. With the holidays coming we really want to get it done so that once I have my showers we can just put everything away.

Anyhow, things are great over here, loving every minute and feeling blessed every minute. I still can't even believe it a lot of the time! My weight gain has been great too, only at 5.5lbs. My OB wants me to gain about 5lbs this month since I lost weight in the beginning.

Okay, that's about it for now! I will try harder to keep posting!

Our ultrasound :)

2009-09-20T17:32:00.000-07:00

Hey! Alright, I can finally post about our amazing ultrasound!

Anyhow, first off..it was just so AMAZING!! First the tech had the normal 2D u/s on to determine the sex, and the minute she said "It's a girl" everyone screamed! Luckily so many people went, it was nice to have a family that is so supportive! Out of my family it was my mom, dad, sister, grandma, grandpa, aunt, and cousin..and out of his? His mom. I'm just thankful she came. After that she was moving around like CRAZY! Every time we have seen her, she has been SO active.

She started out pretty much upside down with her head and belly facing down, then she turned facing in towards me, then she flipped facing out..she was everywhere! The tech was amazed at how active she was. In the 3D, she started with her right hand covering her face..but then later she still had her hand up there but it looked exactly like she was blowing kisses! She had her hand under her chin! She was in so many cute positions it's hard to think of them all! Let's see..we have a really good picture of her doing a peace sign..it is hilarious! She also was laying with her hands above her head for a little while..then it looked like she was cuddling up with my uterus..it was so cute! She had her hands by her face and knees pulled up..it was awesome! For awhile there she would literally kick and push off of my uterus too! I was amazed that I wasn't feeling it! Anyway..if you are friends with me on facebook Ross made a video and I am tagged in it so you should be able to see most of the pictures..I haven't had a chance to put them up yet.

Anyway, better run but wanted to let you know what it was like!

Oh! And her name is Avery Hope! We have loved the name Avery but when we decided the middle name Hope..we chose that for sure. We chose Hope as a middle name because it is part of the name of the clinic "New Hope" and without them, this opportunity never would have happened! And also, without Hope..we never would have gotten through all of the tough times when dealing with infertility.

Okay gotta go!

It's a...........

2009-09-18T15:02:00.000-07:00

GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'll be back later to post about it, but wanted to let you know!!! She is beautiful!!

Change of plans!!

2009-09-16T18:09:00.001-07:00

I wanted to post tonight real quick while I have a minute, but we have decided to have a 3D ultrasound...so that means we will find out what our little miracle is TOMORROW!! I will post ASAP so stay tuned everyone!!!

xoxo
Jenn

16 weeks :)

2009-09-13T15:11:00.001-07:00

There is my 16 week belly pic! I can actually really notice a difference this week between the two pictures. I can't really tell on myself, but putting them side to side makes me feel like things are okay and this little one is doing well. We are so excited that we find out what we are having in about 2 1/2 weeks! I am probably going to be a nervous wreck that day waiting in anticipation! We have been going to baby stores and just can't wait to register and buy clothes and everything..SO amazing!

AFM, I am feeling pretty good. I'm not AS tired as I was in the beginning but still tired. I am still having some major food aversions..but it's getting better I think. Last week I had 2 days where I had a nasty sinus headache and it affected me so much that I couldn't eat..they made me feel soo nauseous! I am headed back to the ENT though on Wednesday so I am hoping something can be done. Other than that, I haven't felt the baby move yet, but I will be so excited when I do! That will be another sign that everything is okay.

That's about it for now but I wanted to post the picture before I forgot! Hope everyone is well!

Amazing :)

2009-09-08T15:44:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone!

Well, I am now 15 weeks along and blessed every single day of the 15 weeks! We had our latest doctors appointment about a week ago and have a scheduled date of September 30th for our BIG ultrasound! We will be definitely finding out what this little miracle is, and then right away we will be registering and getting everything ready! With the holidays we feel like we need to do everything early since we will probably be so busy with everything else. Anyhow, our appointment was GREAT! We were able to hear our little ones heartbeat (but not until after being scared to death because my doctors doppler wasn't working right!) but it was there and she said it was "perfect"! Every time we go I always get this scared feeling deep down because after going through all of the infertility and having so many let downs, it's hard to believe that things are going WELL for once! We are so blessed with this little miracle that's for sure!

I am officially in my 2nd trimester (yay!) and am still feeling a lot of food aversions. Sometimes I feel like I could vomit at any minute! I really hate this feeling because I hate not being able to eat. I lost 2lbs at my last appointment! I don't want to lose weight because I know it is taking away from what the baby needs. Anyhow, look for an update on September 30th for the news! Now for my 15 week belly shot! Still not much there, but I think it will be here soon enough!

12 weeks :)

2009-08-15T19:18:00.000-07:00

WOW! I am to a point I never thought I would ever be at! 12 weeks! I am so incredibly blessed and feel so much better knowing that once I finish out my 12 weeks I will officially in the 2nd trimester! This is so big!

One year ago I completely gave up on trying, and I thought for sure that we would never be parents. Here we are, blessed beyond I could have ever imagined! This evening was spent with my Mother-in-law and we went around looking at all of the baby stuff. I was even more excited just looking at it and actually KNOWING that it is real. It's such a different feeling going into a baby store and knowing that in just a little while, you will have a little one to buy for. Before when we used to go it used to be sad. We never knew if it would happen or not, though we always had the bedding and everything we wanted..but of course it would always be discontinued. That was always a harsh reality..when the bedding you love is discontinued. We had tried for so long we probably went through a ton of bedding we loved. It's a weird rationality..but it's so true. Now, the crib we liked I think is discontinued..BUT it's okay, because I know that we actually get to really buy one this time.

I have been feeling pretty good! I can't complain at all, not that I would because I am just so blessed and thankful. *Knock on wood* I haven't thrown up ONCE! I have still been really tired but the worst part I think is the food adversions. I can't eat a lot without it grossing me out so I stick to a lot of cereal. But even that is starting to get old. I think it will all go away shortly, but I will take whatever I receive! I'm just so thankful and so excited. I can't wait for our next ultrasound, which probably won't be for another 6 weeks or so, but I'm just excited to see what this little one is :)

Okay enough blabbing for now, thanks for reading!

xoxo
Jenn

In Awe :)

2009-07-28T17:18:00.000-07:00

I am so sorry it has taken me so long to update! Anyhow, since my last post we have made our LAST two NYC trips! YES!! We have finally "graduated" from the fertility clinic and are "normal"!

Our 1st of the last appointments we had an ultrasound and were able to see and hear our little peanuts heartbeat. THAT was sooo amazing. I was so nervous just because of the circumstances but "she" was beating away! I already love our little peanut SO much!

Our 2nd (last) appointment we had another ultrasound but this time our baby looked SO much different! "She" had legs and arms! It was just such an amazing sight..it was truly so beautiful! She's already super cute, and every time I look at the photo, I just start laughing because she's sooooo cute! When the tech held the probe in one spot you could see our little ones arms and legs moving all over the place! It was adorable!

After our ultrasound we met with the doctor and he basically just thanked us and told us that "we are changing the world of In-vitro". He said that with the Mini IVF we did 5% of the usual injections..which is incredible! I am so thankful we have been able to be a part of this experience and I can't wait to get a copy of the study. That fertility clinic has given us our dream and I will never be able to repay them for that! So, in honor of them, we decided that if we have a girl (which of course..as you can tell above..we think it's a girl) her middle name will be Hope. The fertility centers name is "New Hope Fertility Center" which is SO true. It honestly gave us new hope!

Okay I am so sorry this is rather short..but I am exhausted!

Oh! And our actual due date is February 26th, 2010!

xoxo
Jenn

It's a deep hurt.

2009-07-15T17:04:00.001-07:00

This afternoon/evening has been a little difficult for me. We found out that our very good friends have lost their baby. She was only a few weeks ahead of me. I feel so terrible for them and it honestly hurts me on the inside to know they are going through this. These are two AWESOME people and they don't deserve this. However, I told her that we may never understand why God does the things he does, but there is always a reason behind it. Sometimes we may never find out why, but there is.

It has taken me a long time to realize this myself. But after the last few months, how can I not? We have been through a grueling 4 years. We have cried, screamed, hated, loved, and really just felt every emotion possible..but it was all for this beautiful reason. It has made us so much stronger than we were before and now more than ever..we will never take anything for granted.

I'm just so sad for them. I'm sad that (provided everything goes well with my pregnancy) she will have to watch me go through my pregnancy and have a beautiful outcome..when she was supposed to have that too, only a few weeks before me. I pray that they will remain strong, faithful, and that they will come out on top. I know they will, they are great people. I just need to put her emotions ahead of mine and be there for her and pray that she will be okay.

I know what it is like to be jealous. Watching everyone around you get pregnant and you've never even seen a positive pregnancy test before. I don't want her to feel this way. It is a terrible feeling. A feeling so bad that you can't even go to baby showers. Something that is such a happy place for everyone else is not so happy for you. As happy as you want to be for someone, and as much as you love them..doesn't hold back the jealousy and hurt that you feel. It's natural.

They were supposed to come in town next week and stay with us for a few days so we could hang out and have fun..but I'm not so sure that they will be coming anymore, but I don't blame them. They need this time to grieve..but I would also love to see them so we can show them how much we do care.

Speaking of deep hurt. We spoke in church Sunday. Boy, was that hard! It was hard to talk without crying. I don't know why I was even crying..either the hurt we have felt or the amazing miracle we have been given..or both? I really appreciate the feedback we received from people. A few had their own testimony to share with me (which was DEFINITELY nice to hear) and some just telling us how happy they were for us as they knew what a journey it had been for us. The hardest part was never hearing from parts of his family. They had known how hard it was for us..and not a word. I guess they still hate us from not being around..but never do they ask the real reason for that. Some of you know what I am talking about, some of you don't, but I'm not going to elaborate. It just proves even more so now how I have never been a true part of that family. I've never mattered enough to them..and probably never will. I pray that would change, but I can't change their hearts.

I feel a deep hurt everyday for everything that happened with his family. I hurt about all of the mean things that were said about me. I hurt knowing that people I thought loved me, really didn't. I hurt that "family" would be so cruel. I hurt that my child is probably going to miss out on the most special times with that family. It's not our babies fault. But, I will probably be ridiculed for everything I do or say, or the way I look..so why would I want to subject her/him to that? I don't want them constantly wondering what is being said about them either..it hurts too much. I try to remain strong..but when you have terribly low self esteem, sometimes it's not enough.

Anyhow..I guess tonight is just a really sad night for me. I hurt for our friends. I hurt for a lot of different reasons tonight. I haven't felt this sad in a long time. Maybe I'm just tired.

Until next time,
xoxo
Jenn

Heartbeat on Saturday!

2009-07-12T17:04:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone! So, our appointment in NYC to hear our little ones heartbeat has been moved to this coming Saturday. It was originally going to be Tuesday but I am SO thankful they let us move it to Saturday. That way, I don't have to miss any work and Ross was able to get his weekend moved so he didn't have to use any days. I am so so excited, yet so so scared. I keep trying to be positive..but there are ALWAYS "what ifs". I am really trying not to focus on those..but I do have to keep it in my head as a possibility unfortunately.

My mom and sister are going to be going with us, which should be nice. It won't be so lonely on the ride there and back, LOL! Anyhow, please keep us in your prayers as I will probably be a nervous wreck.

Hope you all are well!

xoxo
Jenn

Numbers are good!!

2009-07-05T17:11:00.000-07:00

Okay, so maybe I'm getting really terrible at updating this thing. I need to get it together! LOL!

Anyhow, 1 week ago on Friday I got my #'s back and they had gone from 80 to 2,789 in 1 week. Then, 1 week after that (this past Friday) the nurse said my #'s were great and above 25,000. So, it looks like I have a healthy peanut so far! Of course, I still pray every night that things stay positive. We should hear the little heartbeat in about a week and a half or so..I couldn't be MORE excited about that!

As for how I am feeling, I am still feeling pretty good. I am basically tired and hungry all of the time and have to pee more frequently. None of this I can complain about, I am just so thankful to be on this journey finally! I think once you battle infertility you are so much more grateful for the gift of life. So many people take it for granted..and that is one thing I can promise I will NEVER do as long as I live. I will be forever grateful.

Better run, I'm getting sleepy again!

xoxo
Jenn

Here it is!

2009-06-23T14:10:00.000-07:00

I got a picture of the test I took today! I have been feeling doubtful for some reason and needed to reassure myself. But here it is! It's good and dark!

That's all for today,
xoxo
Jenn

What I'm feeling....

2009-06-21T13:49:00.000-07:00

Well, I am a whopping 4 weeks and 3 days along! But I thought I would use this to document everything like I have with our infertility. So far I have only had minor symptoms such as: fatigue, getting hungry more often, urinating more often, and I am STILL having this metal taste in my mouth! A few days before we found out I started tasting a metal taste in my mouth..but I made myself believe it wasn't a symptom and kept telling myself it was my braces! Anyhow, I am still tasting it and today it has been a lot more than other days. That's okay though because I know these are only minor for what's to come..and I am TOTALLY fine with that!

I am really excited that by sharing our experience we have had some people come out to us and ask questions as they are having to go through this themselves. That is the whole reason I put this out there and informed everyone about our NYC trips. I feel like God had given us this challenge to be able to help others. I hope the word can spread even further and we get really be a source of help for people..SO, if you know anyone who is going through infertility or if they think they will have to go through it..PLEASE send them our way! If they don't want to leave a comment on here, feel free to email me @ JennMusick1@yahoo.com

Okay..that's really it for now..I am SO exhausted! Maybe time for a nap!

xoxo
Jenn

The results are in.....

2009-06-19T13:32:00.000-07:00

I'M PREGNANT!!!! Can you believe it?! I am SHOCKED!

I'm so sorry I haven't posted sooner, we actually found out on Wednesday but it has been a little crazy since! My hCG level was 26 on Wednesday and they consider anything at 25 or above pregnant. I had a horrible time getting the blood work done though..I thought for sure it was a sign of a horrible outcome to my day!

Anyhow, I went again today for blood work (to a different lab, mind you..where they could ACTUALLY do my results STAT and not just tell me they can..and then can't..yeah that was my day Wednesday..LOL!). My results are GREAT! My hCG is now 80 (which means it actually TRIPLED! They want it to at least double), my progesterone is 29, and my estrogen is 327. He said my numbers are great and that I will continue with taking my Estrace 2x a day and my progesterone gel. In 1 week and 2 weeks I will complete more blood work to make sure my numbers continue to rise like they should, and then in 3 weeks we will have our first ultrasound! We will also go back in 4 weeks I believe and should be released from the clinic! This means no more driving back and forth to NYC! It will be bitter sweet I am sure but I just pray that my numbers continue to be great and I have a nice healthy pregnancy!

I'm not feeling too much different, I am getting extremely tired during the day and getting tired earlier at night. I also woke up hungry this morning for the first time. Not sure if that's just a fluke or if it's the start! Anyhow, I am officially 4 weeks and 1 day today..hard to believe but we are SO thrilled! Best Father's day gift EVER for him!!!

Okay, gotta run!
xoxo keep the prayers coming!

All Systems Go!!!

2009-06-12T16:38:00.000-07:00

Well, the transfer was successful! I'll start with the beginning of the trip though, just because :)

My sister actually came with us this time. She's never been to NYC before so she thought it would be fun and she didn't have to work. We ended up getting to the clinic and all they had to do was blood work. They basically just needed to confirm that the transfer was going to be the next day. They had said that they would call later in the day to let us know what time it would be. After we left the clinic we headed to Times Square and walked around for a bit and had a quick lunch at Planet Hollywood..since last time we tried to eat there they called us back for the retrieval! After that we went to the World Trade Center area so she could see that..I could walk around there a hundred times probably and never get bored!

Anyhow, we were all pretty exhausted so we headed back to the hotel and checked in and everything. I still hadn't heard from them at 3pm but decided to give it a little longer. We all took a nap and I realized that I had slept passed 5!! I tried to call but it just kept going to their voicemail so I started freaking out..I was finally able to leave a message for the on call doctor. He called me back and basically said from what he remembered from my records, everything looked okay and to just come on in the morning. After that we just basically hung around the hotel and watched some John and Kate plus 8.

The next morning I called and they confirmed that I was on the schedule for 10:45. Then it all started to seem real! This was REALLY going to happen! We got there, they took me upstairs, and I changed into the beautiful gown, booties, and hair net..fabulous, lol! I waited there for a little bit and was able to chat with the lady beside me. She was having her retrieval and I told her what a great experience I had with mine and told her she would be okay. I went in and talked with the nurse..she has been there for every one of my procedures and I absolutely love her! She gave me a shot (of what? I'm not sure, one of my friends seems to think it was Progesterone because that's what she had..so I'm guessing it probably was because it makes sense!) and then basically just went over some of the after care instructions.

Then, they gave me a picture of my little embryo! You would have thought I had seem my full term baby for the first time! My heart literally melted! This was the closest we have ever been to have a baby and I just saw it all before my eyes. Anyhow, they then called me back and I got up in the chair. The doctor talked to me for a second and then they put my embryo up on a monitor and made me confirm my number..it was nice ot see it again :) He then did the transfer, it was quick and easy! Mostly like a pap smear, nothing more than that. Afterwards he said that the embryo looked great and my lining was great..so he expected to hear good news next week! This was SO reassuring to me! The doctor even said so! YES!

Afterwards I just layed back in a chair in the recovery room for about 20 minutes. Then I went and finished talking to the nurse and went over the rest of the after care instructions. They told me not to lay in bed for the next week because all it does is make the time go by longer and can even cause more stress on your body. They told me to go on with my normal activities..just in moderation. The trial coordinator came in and said that I needed to come back next Wednesday and Friday for blood work..BUT they are letting me do it at home. I can't keep driving back and forth for just blood work..it costs us too much money each time! Anyhow..so that means we will find out on Wednesday! I can't believe it! I just keep praying that this is going to finally be IT! It just has to be!

I am remaining positive and following the instructions to have no stress..so far, it's been pretty good. I just can't believe it is so soon! I am also so grateful for our family and friends who are constantly praying for us. I am so glad we have so much support! It is so important and I will be forever grateful to them!

Alright, gotta run but wanted to post about the transfer! God is SO good!!!

The show is on the road!

2009-06-07T17:25:00.000-07:00

WOW!!! This last trip to NYC was definitely the most stressful, THAT'S for sure! We had an amazing drive in this time. I drank a Rockstar and actually was able to drive half of the way (for once..I always fall asleep!) and Ross got an Amp for his drive and we were set! We actually made good time too and got to the train station at about 7:15am. We grabbed some iced coffees and something small for breakfast and had to wait about 40 minutes or so for the next train since the weekend schedule isn't as often. So, we get on the train and get to the next station and they announce that we were being held there because of a power outage at New York-Penn Station. We waited for like 20 minutes and then they came on saying that we could get on another train, go to another station, and then take the PATH train into the city. So, we did that, but I was totally frightened once we were headed down the escalator only to see people flying off of it at the bottom into a sea of people!! It was like I saw my death before my eyes! I knew I was going to be one of those people in only a matter of seconds! Anyhow, lucky for us the people at the bottom cleared the way before we got down there. Once we were down there I said screw it because there were SO many people waiting for the same train..we weren't going to get on. So, we went back upstairs to the train we had gotten off of and decided to wait it out..then, they announced that the train was turning around and going back to the station we had come from! We got off and went to a different platform and waited for a different train, we waited probably 30-40 minutes for that one..got on, and then went to a totally unfamiliar train station. We then got on another train to take us into the city (which we had to wait for as well..actually we had to wait for 2 before we could actually get on because there were so many people cramming onto them). We got on, and it took us to another unfamiliar station, luckily there was a subway there and we were able to find a route that would take us to where we needed to get off! UGH! So, what should have taken us 1 hour, took us 4! Ross was able to laugh about it..me? Not so much.

So, we got to the clinic and all I had to do this time was get blood taken. So, we talked to the coordinator and asked him if we could wait for the results since we are from out of town, we needed to know if we had to stay or not. So, we waited for about an hour..in the mean time I went to see if they could extend my FMLA since it only went through the 8th. Well, basically they said no because since the one they were able to fill out was because I had surgery there and paid for it. Since I am receiving free treatment I am really only a number (I check in with a #..not my name) so when my work would call to get medical records, they would only have a surgery listed under my name and nothing else. Freaking awesome. Bah!

After waiting, they called me back and said that my transfer is on Wednesday! WOW! He said that I ovulated on Friday so 5 days after that is Wednesday. They have to do the transfer on Wednesday because they froze the eggs on day 5. We have to go on Tuesday for blood work just to confirm the transfer date, and then the transfer will be the next day! So, he said I basically just have to take it totally easy on that day..so we have decided just to stay the night and then drive back the next day, and I will take it easy Thursday too. I am going to try to take it as easy as possible until it's the date I get tested to find out if I get pregnant or not! I am also taking Estrace (estradiol) 2x a day, and taking a progesterone suppository every night (fun, right?) and will continue those he said for 6 weeks.

So, that's where we are! We are SO close!! If you pray, please please pray that this is it and it works! This is just about our last chance to ever have our own baby and I just pray it works! I feel like I am almost too confident that it's going to work..and I know that I will be let down that much harder if it doesn't work, but I have to remain positive and let nothing get to me!

Better run, I will post when I get back! Wish us luck!

xoxo
Jenn

We're well on our way!

2009-05-31T15:49:00.000-07:00

Life for the last 3 days has been CRAZY! We left on Thursday night for NYC. We drove about 5 hours and stopped to sleep, then drove the rest of the way. We ended up getting stuck on the train into the city for about a half hour.."mechanical difficulties". We finally got to the clinic and the first thing I did was get my FMLA form signed! That was such a relief. I then had my post op check from the Hysteroscopy (all is perfect, said I am totally cleaned out, nothing left) and they did my follie/lining check. They are basically monitoring me for when I ovulate so they can do the embryo transfer. My lining is already at 7.5 which they said is perfect because they expect at least a 7 for the transfer and I have about a week until the transfer is done! So, after that we left because this time we didn't have to wait for the results. On the way home they called and said that we need to be back this Thursday for b/w and u/s. Then the doctor called and said that they haven't received the pathology report back, and that it can take up to 2 weeks so hopefully they will receive that by the time I go back. The day of the embryo transfer is getting so close and I couldn't be more excited!

Anyhow, we drove back and then stopped to have dinner with my family since my aunt is in from California. After that we headed to my parents to help get ready for my sisters graduation party. When we got there we realized that my dog was going to have her puppies that night!! SO, at this point mind you we have only had 2 hours of sleep, LOL! Anyhow, we continued to help her and we decided just to stay the night at her house because we didn't want to move the dog in the middle of labor. So, we ended up going to sleep at about 12:30am and I woke up at 3pm to hear a little tiny puppy!! She had birthed the first one and had started cleaning it up. At about 5 she had all of the puppies (all 6!) and we gave her a bath. They are adorable! We have 2 white, 2 tan, 1 dark tan, and 1 black. Anyhow, then we went to bed after that and slept until about 8:30 so we could get everything ready for the graduation party.

I got ready, and went with my mom to get last minute things, got back and started making the food and setting up and everything. At this point my legs were KILLING me! I was starting to feel sooo drained. The party went great though, awesome turn out!

I am still feeling so exhausted though, I don't know how many more times Ross and I can do the drive to NYC! Driving there and back for a 15 minute appointment is getting bad, LOL! I know it is definitely worth it but I think I am going to try to fly this week! Though, the flights don't look too promising, none of the times work out to what I would need!

Alright, this was short and sweet, but I have GOT to rest! I am sooo tired still!

**Jenn**

Decided to go to the ER..

2009-05-26T16:14:00.000-07:00

Here's the scoop:

My bleeding still hasn't slowed down. I went pee last night around midnight and had a ton of blood gush out when I sat down, and then when I woke up at 6 I had a TON more just like fall out. It was so disgusting. Anyhow, I got in the shower and was getting ready for work and just started feeling really weak and light headed and shaky..so I told DH that I thought I needed to go to the ER. Well, we got there and had to wait about an hour as I am guessing they were slammed from last night with the holiday..there weren't many people in the waiting room but they didn't exactly take my bleeding much of a priority. We got back there and I changed into a gown and the nurse said that once the doctor came in he would probably want to go a pelvic exam so I would have to take my underwear off at some point. He came in and started asking questions about what I had done, yada yada. Every single person thought it was ridiculous it seemed that we were traveling to NYC for IVF. I didn't want to tell them I was participating in a clinical trial because since I work in insurance, I knew that if they even put a clinical trial diagnosis on the claim, it would get denied..even though the procedure was done as a normal patient and I am paying for it. He did my pelvic exam and said that there wasn't any sort of problem and the blood was just coming from my uterus. He spoke with another doctor and then they checked my blood levels and gave me an entire bag of fluids. They then called my doctor in NYC and they decided it would be okay for me to go home, but I just need to be checked out when we go to NYC on Friday.

So, it appears there's not a real issue (which is what I was really concerned about) and I guess I will just let it run it's course. I am cramping pretty bad again and bleeding really heavily still..it just confuses me that I have no idea where all of this blood is coming from. I already had my period about a week ago and it just seems like so much more than that.

I just keep hoping that it will slow down but it doesn't seem like it's going to any time soon. Guess we will have to just wait and see for our appointment on Friday! This is going to be a long trip if I am still bleeding like this..Holy cow.

Okay..so maybe I'm not feeling so hot.

2009-05-25T17:37:00.000-07:00

Okay, so if you have a weak stomach, I will warn you now to turn away. If not, I'm still sorry if I am being too graphic for you, but when you live a life of infertility..it's what I have to deal with.

I had been feeling great after the Hysteroscopy. I only had some slight spotting and minimal cramping..I thought I was in the clear. Sunday morning I went pee, and had nothing when I wiped but by noon it was like a faucet was turned on. I had felt kind of weird and was cramping a little bit but I honestly didn't think much about it. I waited for about 2 hours to see if it would let up and it didn't so I called the clinic. The lady that was in the operating room with me actually got on the phone and asked me questions like how heavy it was and what color it was. I told her that it was bright red blood and it was a lot when I would sit down on the toilet. She put me on hold while she talked to the doctor and came back and said that if I filled 1 pad in 1 hour, then I needed to go to the emergency room. Otherwise, I needed to be seen the next morning. I told her that would be really difficult because I live in Ohio and she said just to call them back with what I had to do because they would need to put that in my chart.

I waited for awhile and never filled a pad. As a matter of fact, it was the weirdest bleeding I have ever had. It never hit the pad, it would only come spilling out when I would sit on the toilet. When I say spilling out, I mean spilling out. There was so much that the water was all red in the toilet. I felt like total shit. I was sooo crampy and uncomfortable from the pad. I contemplated all day on what I should do because it honestly just didn't seem normal. The paper they sent me home with said that I wouldn't get a period for about 30-40 days as basically what they did during the procedure was completely clean my uterus out..so where was the blood coming from?

Later Ross and I decided to get something to eat so we went to TGI Fridays. I felt fine until after I ate..then I felt like I was going to throw up everywhere. Afterwards though we went and walked around Walmart because I wanted to see if it would come out or not. Luckily on our way home Kim (from mybabyish) called me and made me feel a lot better. She shared her experience with having a D & C which is mostly the same thing, except I wasn't having a miscarriage. I decided to wait it out through the night and give the clinic a call in the morning.

I called this morning and spoke to a different nurse. This time she made it sound like it was totally normal since I was on birth control for 3 days before the procedure. I just found it so weird that the girl yesterday sounded really concerned about the bleeding, and today she sounded like it was fine. So..basically all day I just held out and have been dealing with it. Though it seemed to get heavier today as I finally started bleeding onto the pad. This morning though when I woke up I felt like I was going to vomit after looking into the toilet. It just came pouring out..SO gross.

It's these kinds of things that people who can get pregnant so easily don't understand! It's these kinda of things that we have to go through! It's not just frustrating, it's physically painful and horrible.

Ok, that's my rant for now..I'm going to watch it and maybe call my OBGYN tomorrow to see what they think.

Oh, and sorry if this was TMI!

**Jenn**

Hysteroscopy....CHECK!

2009-05-23T19:07:00.000-07:00

So, we're back, AGAIN! For some reason this trip seemed so much more exhausting..I think I'm starting to hit a wall.

Anyhow, we left earlier than we usually do because I had to be to the office at 8. We wanted to allow 1 hour from the train station to the office, but we ended up being about 10 minutes late..but that was okay. I for some reason just can't stay awake over night to save my life. Ross always ends up driving the whole way because I just basically crash. This was the first time we had to pull over for about 30 minutes for him to get a power nap. I don't know how he does it to be honest.

When we got to the clinic, they took me upstairs relatively quickly. I went up, they put my band on me and I changed into the beautiful gown, booties, and hair net. I waited there for awhile, I saw the lady before me having the same thing done come out and she talked to me about it and said it was so quick and she wasn't hurting at all. That was reassuring because at this point my leg was shaking like crazy! Anyhow, I talked with the nurse for awhile, she is such a sweet lady. They then called me back and I walked back, got up on the table and was once again open to the world to see. I have definitely lost all modesty. Legs high up in the air, spread, and gown pushed back with about 3 or 4 people in the room=NICE. LOL! Anyhow, the anesthesiologist was awesome. He put my IV in so quickly and within probably a minute I was out!! I woke up in the recovery room which freaks me out a little bit because that means I had to of gotten off of the chair in the operating room, into a wheelchair, and into another chair in the recovery room. LOL, none of this I remember. I just remember waking up in the chair. I basically just laid there for probably 10 minutes because I felt so tired. Once I was okay I got up and got changed and then talked with the nurse about what they found.

They found some Endometriosis overgrowth and she said it scraped off really easily, and that they cleaned out my entire uterus so it's basically all brand new that way I have a better chance of the embryo implanting. YES! I felt so great about that and then wondered if that was the reason all along. It seems like my eggs can fertilize easily but I am wondering if the problem lied in my uterus with not a good place for it to implant. Let's hope this is now solved!

Anyhow, we met with the clinical research guy and he said he would like us to be back this coming Friday for an ultrasound and bloodwork. Luckily this time we don't have to wait (which is going to feel like even more pointless for driving 8 hours each way for something that takes 15 minutes..but it IS worth it I keep telling myself!). He sent me home with Estradiol and Progesterone to take once they call me back with those results. He just wanted to give it to me then so I have it.

One thing bad came out of this whole trip and that was that he wouldn't fill out my FMLA form. I am devastated by this because I am out of days that I can use at work and now that I am on unpaid time off, each section of days counts as an occurance I think. So, I think I will get one from this past trip, next week, and then the transfer. That would be 3! I am so nervous because I HATE having things like that on me. I'm just so scared that it's all going to crumble now..I just pray that it won't.

Anyhow, on the way home I think it was the longest of all. We ended up having to stop again for 30 minutes because he was just too tired..and me, I wasn't any help seeing that I was sleeping off the anesthesia still. Once we got home we were sooo glad.

I really felt fine after the procedure, just a little spotting. But as the day went on I started to cramp a bit and spotted more. I think it was just from the car ride being so bumpy and everything. The next day I didn't go to work because I was having such a hard time waking up. That anesthesia had the best of me I think, It was honestly painful to wake up the next day.

I am really thankful that we won't be missing my sisters graduation party. Our appt is on Friday and her party is on Saturday. I feel bad we won't be able to help get ready like we had originally planned, but thankfully my family is so supportive and they know what we need to do.

The transfer should be in about 2 weeks..so please keep your fingers crossed that it can be on like a Thursday or Friday so I don't miss too much work! I have to have a job! Sometimes it just seems so unfair that no one really gets what this is like. Really.

Until next time!
xoxo
Jenn

Back to NYC!!

2009-05-20T17:17:00.000-07:00

Okay, so we are headed back to NYC tonight!!! Tomorrow I am having a Hysteroscopy to clean out anything that could prevent me from getting pregnant, like fibroids, cysts, etc. I'm not sure what to expect though. All I know is that I can't eat after midnight (which driving during the whole night without any food/more importantly no iced coffee..I'm going to be reeeaaaalllyyy fun!) or drink, that we have to be there at 8am, and that I will basically be in a "twilight". I have never been in that, just always been put out the whole way. Anyhow, I have read that cramping and some spotting is normal afterwards..my question is, HOW bad will the cramps be. I cramp like crazy when I have my period and I swear they better not be like those! We have decided to drive home tomorrow unless I don't feel well, then we will try to find a cheap hotel and then drive back on Friday.

I am just SO amazed at how perfectly this has come together so far (knock on wood). It's like it is meant to be. I mean EVERYTHING has come together. When I started spotting on Saturday I was so bummed that my Hysteroscopy would be pushed back further because you aren't supposed to be on your period during it. Well, typically I will spot for about 3 or 4 days before the "real" thing comes. Think that happened this time? NO!!! Why? God works in mysterious ways!!! He knew that I had to have my Hysteroscopy Thursday and by golly, it happened!

If you read this, sorry if it's all TMI. This is a reality for us and when I say I am a very open person, I mean it. I'm just so used to posting on bulletin boards and that's where you can release it all, and I just don't care who knows anymore! It is a true battle of winning and losing. A battle of heartache. It's so nice to be able to have friends who have gone through this same thing, because they can understand when you get a negative pregnancy test and you just want to break down and literally lose it. My heart aches for a girl on the board who did a Frozen Embryo Transfer (as I will be too) and her first beta was a 9, and today it was only in the 3's. It's obvious what that means, and I'm just so sad for her. It's hard to watch other girls (AND yourself) have to go through this month after month. Then you get to see people in your life get pregnant over and over again without barely trying or calling it an "accident"! Well HELLO! Where is MY "accident"?!?! Sorry, I went off into a bit of a rant, but it's hard to make other people realize how many emotions really go into this. People say "oh you're young" but they just don't get it. I am just thankful we have found out while being young.

Okay! Gotta finish eating my "last meal" as I call it before having surgeries, LOL! Then gotta hit the shower and then hit the road!

Until next time,
**Jenn**

And then there were 2

2009-05-11T16:08:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone..if anyone reads this, LOL. Just wanted to post to say that the other 2 they were waiting for didn't make it. I guess they were progressing like they expected them to and so they had to destroy them. So, we have 2 frozen embabies (embryos..I just like to call them embabies because they are my babies..or at least the closest thing I have ever come to my baby!) that will wait for us until later this month or the beginning of next.

At first I was a little discouraged with only having 2 frozen..but then I got to thinking about it and then I had to wake up and say "HELLO! That's more than you would have had!! AND it's the closest we have EVER come to being parents!". So, I am ecstatic about 2..I just pray that when it comes time, that they take them out, they both survive that. If they do..I know they are tough, tough, tough and will be able to handle anything!

Mother's Day was a little bit difficult as it is every year. But this time it was a little easier just knowing I am a mommy to 2 little embryos. You might think I am crazy..but they are a part of me and may one day become my little baby. Just keep praying for us, PLEASE! In a week from Thursday we head back up for my Hysteroscopy. Hopefully that won't be too painful..yuck. After this whole thing is done I don't even want to know how many people have been "down there"!!!

Gotta run!

Freeze Frame!

2009-05-08T18:54:00.000-07:00

Alright so just a quick update: they have frozen 2 of our little 'embabies' and will freeze 2 more tomorrow. I am assuming this is because 2 of the eggs were fertilized the day after the first 2. Soooo, so far so good!! Yes!

It's been awhile, but we are doing the IVF trial!!

2009-05-05T14:09:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I have been really bad about updating this thing. I need to get in the swing of doing this! Anyhow this one might be a long one so bear with me!

Basically our first visit to New York City was back in March. They basically went through all of the paperwork and talked to us about what is involved. They told us that if we were accepted there was a possibility they would cancel us if it wasn't working. I had an ultrasound and they drew some blood work. They had to check how may antral follicles I had..I was slightly below the amount required for the trial but they said it was okay. One thing that struck me was the doctor asked if early menopause ran in my family and that my ovaries looked that of a 40/70 (couldn't understand what he said) year old! My reaction? "WHAT?!" Anyhow, he said he wasn't certain as he couldn't tell on the ultrasound but it was still quite alarming. The trial coordinator talked with the doctor afterwards and basically had to decide on whether they were going to offer us the trial. He called us back to his office and said that he had good news and he also had bad news..of course I asked for the bad news first! He said that we weren't great candidates as I have less eggs..he said my ovaries are about 10 years older than I am..but his good news was that they were going to accept me into the trial anyways!! I was so ecstatic! I was scared, nervous, happy, and basically anything you can imagine! So, he gave me birth control pills and said that I would begin them the day I go for my bloodwork which would be a few weeks after that.

So, once this cycle started we headed up to NYC on Monday, April 20th, for the beginning of everything. They did bloodwork and the coordinator said my levels were a little bit higher than they like and that I really wasn't a good candidate for the trial but they were going to go ahead with it anyway. He chose the envelope which would determine my fate of which route of IVF we would be going through. We were put into the Mini IVF which I was sooo thankful for! Conventional IVF focuses more on quantity of eggs, where as Mini IVF focuses more on QUALITY which is more important to me! So, after that visit he gave me Clomid to take and said I would be taking it for many days and also gave me 3 doses of Menopur.

We went home, mind you traveling to and from is absolutely INSANE! We usually have to leave at 11pm and drive through the night. It's about a 7 1/2 hour drive. We arrive to the train station at about 8am, get on a train to go into the city, get on a couple Subway's, and then walk to the office..it's pretty time consuming and exhausting but totally worth it. Anyhow, I started taking my Clomid and Ross gave me my injections in my tummy..I am thankful he is so graceful with those..sometimes they sting but that's not his fault.

We had to head back on Friday, April 24th for more blood work and ultrasound. They said that things were progressing well and that I need to come back on Monday. So, on the 27th, we did the drive again for the same thing..blood work and ultrasound. This time they said we had to come back on Wednesday! So, not only did we get home Monday night around 11pm, we had to leave exactly 24 hours after that for another drive!

We arrive on Wednesday the 29th for the same stuff, blood work and ultrasound, waited 2 hours for the results (by which we went to Neil's Coffee Shop for breakfast, and that is like my favorite place now!). When we got back they said that they needed us to stay through the weekend as my levels had jumped up so much in only 2 days. So, that night I was supposed to take Clomid and another Menopur injection. We left there and called my mom to book our hotel room online since it was a little cheaper and then headed back to pick up the car in Newark, NJ and drive to the hotel which was in Queens. That took like 2 hours, traffic in NYC is just crazy! No wonder why people don't drive! LOL! So, we got to the hotel and took a well deserved nap, got up and headed to dinner. When we got back, Ross was getting the injection ready and realized they sent us home without a needle! Can't give myself an injection without a needle! So, I freaked for a few minutes and then called the answering service to the clinic..a lady called me back and asked for a pharmacy number so she could call in a needle. Well, we weren't from around there so we asked the people at the hotel and all they could do was point to the pharmacy a few blocks away..so poor Ross had to run while I sat on the phone with the nurse. He got the number and then the nurse called in the needle but they wouldn't allow it since I wasn't getting medication! Mind you, we stayed in a SCARY party of town..so, I can see why they wouldn't allow that! We were in Jamaica, Queens and were surrounded by scary people and a lot of homeless people..it was truly heartbreaking.

Anyhow, we didn't do the injection and only did the Clomid, we went back to the clinic on Thursday and they said that the Egg Retrieval would be on Sunday (we were previously told it would be Saturday). So, they gave me an hCG shot, told me to continue to take Clomid, and I also began taking Indocin..which I am assuming that is to prevent ovulation. My blood work was good and my ultrasound was showing that I would possibly have 6 follicles for retrieval. We went back again on Friday for the same stuff, and then they said I would have to move the retrieval to Monday! So, they gave me another hCG injection and I went on my way after the ultrasound and bloodwork, same meds as the day before.

Same thing really for Saturday, only difference is I began taking a nasal spray at 9pm that night (after all of the same stuff..ultrasound, blood work, etc) and again at 10pm. Sunday I had to take the nasal spray at 10am, this is basically to release the eggs. Sunday they only did bloodwork and said that they would see me on Monday..not not before the coordinator literally almost gave me a heart attack! When he was there he said "we have a problem". So he basically said that my pap smear had expired and that they had no blood work on file for Ross. Which totally made sense because when I had my screening blood work that is required for all IVF's, Ross was sitting in the chair to get his and they said he didn't need it! So, I questioned it but they said it was only for me. So, basically he said we either had to do it right then or they would have to cancel me. Of course I said, alright let's do it! I was not about to go through all of that for nothing! So, after that, we went on our way. We had decided to spend the day at Times Square..it was a nasty day though, but still very cool to see! We sat down and ordered at Planet Hollywood when I received a phone call from the clinic. It was the coordinator (of which was supposed to be on a plane to Texas..so I hope we didn't make him miss his flight!). He said that they needed to see me right away and that the Egg Retrieval had to be right then. So, I freaked out a little bit and we had to tell our waiter that we had to leave..I felt horrible but was so thankful they hadn't made the food yet! So, we grabbed a small can of pringles to share so I would have something in my stomach and basically ran to the Subway station, had to get on 2 different ones, and then had to basically run to the clinic. When we got there there was barely anyone there! They did an ultrasound to make sure everything was okay and took me upstairs. They had me change into a gown and then gave me a Valium. I just sat there until it kicked in, then when it did I felt soooo loopy! It was kind of a nice feeling! LOL!

Anyhow, they took me into the room and I got into the chair/table thing and showed everyone in the room my goods because I had to put my legs in the stirrups(hey at this point, who HASN'T seem them?! Right?!). The doctor was soo great and friendly he described everything to me! He gave me 2 shots of local anesthesia on my uterus..which surprisingly didn't hurt at all really! Just felt like a little pinch! Then he had to do an ultrasound to locate the eggs. When he was about to grab one he just told me to breathe in and then breathe out really hard and that's when he got it. So, all in all we ended up retrieving 6 eggs! It was really cool because I was able to watch everything he was doing! I saw the ultrasound on the screen and then saw the egg in the thing the Embryologist uses..too cool! I was able to see the egg of what might potentially be my baby one day!

So, after that I changed and then had to wait for Ross to do his job. Men get off SO freaking easy when it comes to infertility..LITERALLY! Here I am getting pumped full of hormones, getting so much blood work that my arm is black and I look like I shoot up cocaine, having a huge ultrasound want shoved up my WhoHa, and he gets to "do" his little job into a cup?! Damn! It's okay though, going through all of this for years has made me a much stronger person that's for sure!

Anyhow, we went back to the hotel afterwards and just watched TV. We left early on Monday morning to come home. On our way home we got a message that 2 of our eggs had fertilized, 2 were a little immature and they did ICSI (a procedure where they actually inject the egg with sperm..giving a much better chance of fertilization) and said they would call back today (Tuesday) with those results, said that 1 egg was abnormal, and 1 was degenerate..which basically means that it was missing some Chromosomes.

We got the call today that the 2 that had ICSI both FERTILIZED! YES! So, right now we have 4 and they said it's possible we will have 1 more but they are watching it as it hasn't matured yet.

So, that is that! Our next step? We will wait for a phone call on Friday..with doing a Mini IVF, they always freeze the embryos before the transfer. So, once they do that they will let us know how they have done and if they are okay. Then, on May 21st I will go back to NYC for a Hysteroscopy. They are doing this (it is basically a D&C) to clean me out from anything that could prevent the embryo from implanting. Since I have previously had endometreosis (and probably still have it now) they need to "clean me out". So then after that happens we will do the transfer and continue to pray that it works!

So, that is that for now! I will keep things thing posted as the information comes in now!

The waiting game

2009-03-08T17:29:00.000-07:00

Well, where do we stand? Basically we are just waiting for AF to show so we can head to NYC. I am EXTREMELY nervous about everything. It's such a big step. I'm not nervous to get pregnant. I am nervous about our jobs, driving in NYC, things like that. The clinic looks as if it is just outside of Manhattan and I have never been to NYC, let alone DRIVEN there! You always hear of the nightmare of driving there and I couldn't be more scared. What if we are late? What if we can't find parking? What do we do? These are things that keep playing in my head but I know I will just need to ask them when I call to schedule my 1st appointment. I am hoping that it will somehow end up on the weekend so I don't have to miss work. This is just so scary.

Anyhow, that's where we stand for now. We should be heading in a week or so. In a week, we could find out some life changing news and I couldn't be more excited about it!

Until next time,
Jenn

Update on where we stand with the IVF study

2009-02-24T16:47:00.001-08:00

Well, I received my medical records from my RE and Ross faxed them in. I called the study to make sure they received them and the man told me to call when I get my period!!! So basically when AF comes, I will be going to NY on CD 2 or 3!!! I am trying to remain so hopeful. I went through my medical records and it really seems like we fit the categories of what they are looking for, but it really all depends on how my body is when I go for my 1st appointment!! Now all I have to worry about is my job..

I am so scared and upset because I talked to my boss about everything. She said I can fill out FMLA (that way my absences when I have to go for the trial will be protected and I won't get any occurances) but the only problem with that is it only lasts 16 weeks. So basically if I WERE to get pregnant and something were to happy to where I would need to be on bed rest, my job wouldn't be protected anymore :( I am so scared that I could possibly lose my job if I would have to be off later down the road. I just don't think I can pass up this opportunity if we get it. This will be a once in a lifetime chance and this is the WORLD to us!! I guess I just need to bite the bullet and do it and if I lose my job, it won't be for a long time and I will have to worry about that later!! Please say a prayer that I can get into this trial!! PLEASE!!

I have been reading the book "A Few Good Eggs". I'm only just beginning but it's so true!! Nobody understands infertility unless you have been through it! Because I can't get knocked up like everyone else, I could possibly lose my job?! It's just SO unfair!!! I'm going to go read some more of the book now..but wanted to update!!

A little hope? PLEASE GOD!!!

2009-02-06T16:04:00.000-08:00

Well, I am hoping that something amazing will work out. A dear friend, Ana, from mybabyish posted and said there is an IVF study in New York City, so she sent me the info and I have "applied" if you will. The first bit was only a few questions and then I received an e-mail telling me to log in and complete a longer health summary. However, at the end it said that they will contact me with the date of my first appointment..so right off the bat, my hopes are UP!! I had hoped to not get my hopes up, but it just all feels so within reach! I guess I just need to have faith in that what is meant to be, will be, and if it doesn't work out..then that's okay, at least I tried. I just hope so much that Ana and I can go through this together!! She is in Florida and I am in Ohio, and it would be a lot of traveling for the both of us, but how amazing would this be?! I just pray that it will work out with my job (if it happens at all) and our finances. OHHH PLEASE WORK OUT!!

In other news, I am having surgery on Tuesday to remove yet ANOTHER kidney stone. Blah!! In December or so I had to have Lithotripsy to blast a kidney stone, and apparently a piece of it is now stuck right up against my bladder. I don't feel it (thank God..that is a miracle in itself!) but the doctor wants to be sure to get it out so it doesn't cause a blockage and cause bigger problems down the road. They basically have to go up my Ureter (which is where you pee) and blast it up into smaller pieces and remove the pieces. TALK ABOUT OUCH!! I have had this once before and was sooo sore right afterwards..like the worst burning in the world when urinating!! SOO not looking forward to this.

I am also getting braces in 3 weeks as well! I am pretty excited but I know what to expect. I have already had braces before but my Orthodontist found that my bottom teeth are too big for my jaw so no matter what they would have gone back to being crooked. So I have to have my front bottom teeth shaved down on the sides to make room for them to be straight. Anyway, I will have to post pics when I am a brace-face!!!

That's all for now, just wanted to get it off of my chest!

The world lost one beautiful baby..but Heaven gained one AMAZING angel

2009-01-19T17:36:00.001-08:00

I just got back from going to baby Gabby's calling hours. It's just so sad and unfair.

She was absolutely beautiful, looked just like a baby doll. She looked so peaceful, so beautiful, so perfect. It was hard to believe the struggle that she had been facing for the 2 months of her life..you couldn't tell. She had perfect eye brows, perfect hair (from what I could see that was under the hat), perfect lips. It's just not fair for Leslie and Scott to have to go through this. They are amazing people as well as amazing parents and they don't deserve this either.

Leslie is my hero for appearing to be so strong tonight. She said something that really stuck with me and she said that she believes that the good ones don't stay long, and that Gabby must have been a REALLY good one. I totally believe that. Baby Gabby is in heaven and is now an angel and I feel the title of this blog says it all. The world lost one beautiful baby, but Heaven gained one AMAZING angel. Gabby is now watching over her baby sister Natalie and her mommy and daddy. She is now able to live freely without the tubes or without the IV's. She is able to roam freely and play with baby Hailey.

I'm just so sad for them, they are great people and I just pray that they will find peace and strength. That they can forever remember their baby Gabby but with a smile instead of a frown.

I will pray for them as I have been.

Here it is...#1

2009-01-18T14:51:00.000-08:00

Well, here it is. I have been debating for awhile on if I should start a blog or not..but something lately has made me feel as if I should. A little about Ross and I:

I am 23 and Ross is 24, we have been married for just over 5 years and have been together for 6 1/2. We were married when I was 18 and he was 19..and I am so thankful we have made it this far. We got so much crap for being so young..which I understand, but I am so glad that now that we have made it this far, I can just say "HA".

Anyhow, about a year into our marriage or so we decided that we wanted to try to start our family. I guess when you're so young, you just assume that it should be as simple as tying your shoe. Boy were we wrong. After 6 months, I started feeling like something was wrong but didn't say anything. Then, 6 months turned into a year, and a year turned into a year and a half. At that point, I said something. I was put on Clomid for 4 months and ovulated for 3 of those months, but after my 4th month at my OBGYN's office..he said it was time to see someone else..a Reproductive Endocrinologist. So..we went there, I had already had some testing at my OBGYN's office that came out fine but my RE did some other ones, like the postcoital test and numerous blood works. All came out just fine. He put me on Clomid for another 2 months but this time along with the trigger shot and still BFN's. After that he put me on Follistim for 3 months with the trigger shot..but had to have a month in between each cycle due to cysts in my ovaries. Still nothing. After that he decided that it was best for me to have an Laparoscopy. Finally after 3 years of TTC we found the problem..or..1 of the problems we think. Stage 2/3 Endometriosis. So, he cleaned me out and was certain that was the cause. After I was healed, we did another cycle of Follistim and a trigger, but added the IUI this time..and guess what..still nothing. Never have I ever seen a positive pregnancy test. Except for the ones of course to monitor my trigger shot..but never a pregnancy. Nothing. After our IUI..we just decided it is time to wait it out for a little bit. Try to heal from the inside out for a little while.

No one can imagine the pain we feel. By saying 'we' I mean anyone who has to go through infertility. It is such a horrible kind of pain, a longing kind of pain. Something you know is completely out of your control.

I had a melt down last night..my first one in a little while. I just looked at Ross and felt so much guilt. Knowing that I can't provide a family for him absolutely kills me. He comforted me and then I realized how much I don't deserve someone like that. He is the sweetest, most caring, loving husband in the world. I don't know what I would do without him.

That's it for today.