Here it is...#1

Well, here it is. I have been debating for awhile on if I should start a blog or not..but something lately has made me feel as if I should. A little about Ross and I:

I am 23 and Ross is 24, we have been married for just over 5 years and have been together for 6 1/2. We were married when I was 18 and he was 19..and I am so thankful we have made it this far. We got so much crap for being so young..which I understand, but I am so glad that now that we have made it this far, I can just say "HA".

Anyhow, about a year into our marriage or so we decided that we wanted to try to start our family. I guess when you're so young, you just assume that it should be as simple as tying your shoe. Boy were we wrong. After 6 months, I started feeling like something was wrong but didn't say anything. Then, 6 months turned into a year, and a year turned into a year and a half. At that point, I said something. I was put on Clomid for 4 months and ovulated for 3 of those months, but after my 4th month at my OBGYN's office..he said it was time to see someone else..a Reproductive Endocrinologist. So..we went there, I had already had some testing at my OBGYN's office that came out fine but my RE did some other ones, like the postcoital test and numerous blood works. All came out just fine. He put me on Clomid for another 2 months but this time along with the trigger shot and still BFN's. After that he put me on Follistim for 3 months with the trigger shot..but had to have a month in between each cycle due to cysts in my ovaries. Still nothing. After that he decided that it was best for me to have an Laparoscopy. Finally after 3 years of TTC we found the problem..or..1 of the problems we think. Stage 2/3 Endometriosis. So, he cleaned me out and was certain that was the cause. After I was healed, we did another cycle of Follistim and a trigger, but added the IUI this time..and guess what..still nothing. Never have I ever seen a positive pregnancy test. Except for the ones of course to monitor my trigger shot..but never a pregnancy. Nothing. After our IUI..we just decided it is time to wait it out for a little bit. Try to heal from the inside out for a little while.

No one can imagine the pain we feel. By saying 'we' I mean anyone who has to go through infertility. It is such a horrible kind of pain, a longing kind of pain. Something you know is completely out of your control.

I had a melt down last night..my first one in a little while. I just looked at Ross and felt so much guilt. Knowing that I can't provide a family for him absolutely kills me. He comforted me and then I realized how much I don't deserve someone like that. He is the sweetest, most caring, loving husband in the world. I don't know what I would do without him.

That's it for today.