Avery Hope is 20 months!

Hi everyone!

I figured since it has been awhile I should update on my miracle, Avery Hope.  I always vow to stay up to date and to post consistently but I am REALLY going to make an effort.  

Avery amazes me every single day.  She is talking like crazy, sweet, adorable, smart, fun, etc.  I could go on and on for days!  I know of course I am bias but she seriously amazes me at how smart she is.  There isn't one day that goes by that I don't look at her and think about how lucky I am to have her in my life.  It makes every bit of our journey worth it and words can't express how much I love her!!  

On Friday we put up our Christmas trees. Yes, plural.  We have our own tree and Avery has one.  Last year she didn't really care about it, but this year? OMG.  She LOVES it.  When I mention going downstairs, she said "Tree".  When we pull into the driveway, she says "Tree".  She LOVES it!  On Friday all we had on it were the lights and every time the lights weren't on, she made us plug them in..LOL!  Today we bought a few more ornaments for her tree.  I handed her a clip on butterfly that we bought and she went straight over to the tree and tried to set it on a branch!  I just sat and was amazed that she had any idea on what to do!  Her tree is decorated with pink and white LED's with mostly pink ornaments with some other colors like orange and blue.  

Life isn't ALWAYS beautiful.  She throws her occasional temper tantrum, but that is certainly to be expected :)  I just try to enjoy every single bit of parenthood that I can, good AND bad.  I'm just thankful I get to experience it.  

This week is Thanksgiving and I am SO excited!!  Last year Avery was just beginning to eat table food so I am really excited for her to enjoy it this year.  We went to Sams Club today and they had a ton of samples and one she REALLY liked was pumpkin cheesecake!

We have really enjoyed Christmas shopping for Avery too.  I have a feeling she is going to be spoiled, just as she was last year :)  I seriously can't help it though, we waited SO long for this and she is just so special.  I'm anxious to watch Christmas shows with her.  She already loves Christmas music..we play it in the car.  The other day she got mad when I turned the channel! LOL!  It's amazing to see her personality come out and see what things she really loves. 

Avery still loves Mickey Mouse and has started watching a new show called Bubble Guppies.  It could quite possibly be the cutest TV on, LOL.  She loves to do puzzles, "read" books, color, etc.  She REALLY loves dogs.  Any dog she sees she wants to pet.  Actually, she really loves all animals.  We have now acquired 3 fish and a tank due to her, LOL.  We went grocery shopping and she wasn't feeling that great so she wasn't too happy so daddy took her to go look at the "fishies".  She didn't want to leave them, so we decided to get her some.  They still haven't gotten old to her! She loves to feed them each day and watch them :)  

We also have been doing a Mommy and Me gymnastics class every Saturday morning.  She has done SO well there!  She is able to now do a somersault on her own now and can walk across the beam without slipping off.  All in a matter of 6 weeks!  SO cute!

Well, I know that I missing a ton but I have to run.  I'll keep posting :)  Here are a few updated pics of our little miracle.

 

He was a Daddy before he was a Daddy

In honors of Father's Day, I wanted to take the time to recognize my husband and what a great Father he is and WAS even before we were physically parents.  

I am truly blessed to be married to a man who is so dedicated to his family.  He is an amazing Father.  Our schedules don't allow us to have much family time but he is home everyday during the day with Avery.  They go for walks, he takes her shopping, they bring be surprises at work, he bathes her, he cuddles with her, he LOVES her.  As much as I hate that we don't see each other through the week, I KNOW that out of all of this, AVERY is the one who is blessed.  She is with 1 of her parents literally every hour of the day.  These days, I just don't trust anyone to keep her..like a babysitter.  

The title of this entry is "He was a Daddy before he was a Daddy".  I think this stands true for any couple who battle infertility and go through treatments.  I see how dedicated Ross is to our family now and it was no different before we had Avery.  He went to EVERY single appointment when doing treatments including blood draws, he watched the screen closely during ultrasounds, he held me when I was in tears because a cycle didn't go our way or had to be cancelled, he took time off of work when he needed to, he took a class on how to give me injections, he gave me my injections and reminded me to take my pills, he held my hand through ALL off it.  As I look back, I knew then that he would have been a great Father..but those were amazing signs at how he was going to be with our daughter.  He did what it took while battling infertility PLUS more and it never stopped.  

Father's Day and Mother's Day used to be 2 of the hardest holidays when battling infertility.  Now? They are incredibly amazing and we cherish the opportunity to be able to celebrate them as parents.  He always made it a point to still get me a gift and a card from our future children...how sweet is that?  He always seemed to have more hope than I did, and looking back I appreciate it..then? Not so much :)  

This is a short post, but I knew I needed to take the time.  I am so blessed and I am so thankful that Avery has such an amazing daddy.

National Infertility Awareness Week: A harsh reality of what goes into a cycle

I am going to go ahead and put a disclosure on this post and say that it MAY be graphic, so if you don't want to read, DON'T.  But, this is a harsh reality of what may occur during a cycle when you are going through infertility treatments. 

I am NOT kidding, don't read if you can't handle it..I'm not going to hold back.  It is National Infertility Awareness Week, so I am going to make you aware :)

First off, in order to suppress cysts (if they are present) you may be put on birth control pills.  This may not sound like a big deal, but it's just the start of getting pumped full of hormones. 

The dreaded Aunt Flo.  When she comes, that is when your cycle starts.  We call this Cycle Day 1.  When she is present (generally cycle days 1-5), this is when we pretty much pop Pamprin, are bloated, wear mattress pads, sleep with heating pads, and feel like we could throw up from the cramping. 

Sometimes in a cycle we are put on a tiny pill called Clomid.  This pill is generally taken for 5 days (it is the doctors discretion as to when it is to be started) and it helps with producing eggs for ovulation.  This little pill has a HUGE affect on you mentally.  Never in my entire life have I ever experienced such mood swings.  I called these "the Clomid Crazies" and I am not kidding.  You can also experience hot flashes as if you were going to menopause.  Nothing looks more crazy than driving down the road with your head out the window when it's 20 degrees out.

Injectibles are often times used as the step AFTER Clomid.  These stimulate your ovaries and produce eggs (and yes, eggs is supposed to be PLURAL).  There is a much higher chance of multiples with injectibles.  These are once again started at the discretion of your doctor and what days they feel necessary.  ALSO, they will decide what dosage you are to be given after monitoring (which will be discussed next).  One medication for example that may be used is Follistim.  You are given a "pen" looking thing and you load it with what you receive from the pharmacy.  I ordered these through my mail order pharmacy and it came equipped with a sharps container, gauze, alcohol pads, tons of extra needles, etc.  My medication had to be given in the stomach at least 1 inch away from my belly button.  These are given according to the size of the eggs you are producing, once they are mature you discontinue.  By the end of this time, your stomach is full of dark bruises and someone might think you have been punched in the gut one too many times. 

During a cycle with injectibles (whether it be with IVF, IUI, etc) you may be monitored by your doctor.  Generally this starts with getting blood drawn and heading down to the office at the butt crack of dawn.  Once you are taken back to the room, you have to do the typical "dress from the waist down" and cover up with the not so covering paper sheet, the doctor comes in (mind you, it may not be your doctor..just whoever had the early shift that day) and your feet go into the fabulous stirrups.  You scootch your butt to the edge of the table and an ultrasound wand (aka "wandy") gets shoved up you to see how thick your lining is and how many follicles/eggs are there and their size.  This is the moment of truth...you either continue with the meds, you are ready to go, or your cycle is cancelled all together because you have been overstimulated.  If you are to continue the meds, you are told to either come back the next day to repeat it all (which means MORE blood work..we pretty much look like we are heroin addicts at the end), you proceed with the next step, or you go home to sulk and cry because the 7 shots you gave yourself in the stomach didn't matter.

The next step is probably another shot.  This shot though, can be a mother of a shot.  I had to give mine to myself in my leg, however when I did Invitro they gave it to me in my butt.  It is NOT always a small needle.  This shot is an hCG shot which is given to you generally 36 hours before the doctor wants you to ovulate.  This is used whether it be for timed intercourse, IUI (intrauterine insemination) or for IVF (which would be for an egg retrieval). 

Intrauterine Insemination could be done next.  Your partner goes in, does his "job", and they "wash" the sperm to get rid of the bad ones.  You put your legs in the fabulous stirrups, the doctor inserts a catheter into your uterus, and then puts the sperm into the catheter which puts it into the uterus.  They have you then lay there for a little while to let the sperm swim around and hopefully find your egg.

IVF (invitro fertilization) is another option.  I won't go too much into depth but you generally go through an egg retrieval (where they take your eggs out of your ovaries).  They then do what they need to do in a little petri dish and you then have to wait a certain amount of days (depending on your doctor, if your embryos have fertilized, etc) for them to be put back in.  Once there are (or IF) viable embryos that have fertilized well, they will then be placed into your uterus.  You then go though the dreaded 2 week wait.

Last up is a beta..which is a pregnancy test by blood.  Once again, more blood work...once your arm is healed from all of the drawing, there's MORE!  This is then the fate of your future..think you could focus on anything but waiting for the results that day?  Right. 

This is just general information and information from experience.  Not all cycles are the same and not all of the same things happen in the same order.  I just wanted to put into perspective of what we might be going through during a cycle, when you wake up 1 day pregnant and all it took was a night out at the bar. 

I hope you learned something, and until tomorrow!

(by the way, disregard things that don't make sense, I am SO tired!)
xoxo
Jenn

National Infertility Awareness Week: The PAIN associated with Infertility

Bear in mind, that I am SO blessed and SO lucky to have finally been given a beautiful daughter.  But, the PAIN that is associated with infertility is unforgettable.  I post these so that you can either A) relate to the pain and be assured that you aren't crazy for feeling that way OR B) UNDERSTAND what a friend or family member may be going through and try to be supportive of their feelings.  Some of the feelings WE feel both physically and mentally:

Angry:  There are SO many times we feel angry.  We feel angry when a long awaited cycle is cancelled (because your body is yet again not working right).  We are angry when we sit and ponder WHY this has to be happening to us. WHY our bodies aren't working like everyone elses.  We are angry when we are given bullshit diagnosis's.  We are angry when friends and family aren't supportive, etc.

Annoyed:  We get annoyed when "fertile" people complain when their back is hurting from being pregnant.  We are annoyed when you complain about ANYTHING relating to pregnancy!!  We wish that you would see how LUCKY you are to be pregnant and we would give ANYTHING to be able to experience the morning sickness that YOU are complaining about.  We are annoyed when you don't realize what a true blessing that baby keeping you up in the middle of the night is.  WE WOULD TRADE YOU PLACES ANY DAY.

Bitter:  We are bitter at pregnancy announcements.  It happens.  It's hard to see pregnancy announcements day after day on facebook.  MANY of us cancel social networking accounts because of this.  Put yourself in our shoes, please.

Disappointment:  This happens A LOT.  Imagine this:  Walking into your doctors office after shooting yourself in the stomach for 7 days in a row in the stomach, only to be told that the medication wasn't working the way it should and your cycle has to be cancelled.  The disappointment is terrible..you have worked SO hard only to be told to "forget it". 

Discouraged:  We feel discouraged often and we constantly need reminders of "hope" from our fellow infertile friends that it WILL happen. 

Miserable:  There are SO many ways we feel miserable.  Physically we feel miserable when our ovaries feel like they are the size of grapefruits after being pumped with a crazy amount of drugs to make eggs..this sometimes even results in having to go up a size or two in your pants because of being so bloated.  OR, there are the times you are so miserable and bruised on your stomach, legs, butt, and arm from being "shot up" every day.  Giving yourself shots every day and getting blood taken every other day for monitoring makes us look like we are heroin addicts.  It HURTS.

Guilt:  Whether the infertility be because of the man, woman, or both, the guilt can cripple a relationship if it's not talked about.  For example:  I felt SO guilty for not being able to provide my husband with a child.  I felt like I was keeping him from his dream.  I honestly thought about leaving him because the guilt was so terrible.  Who was I to keep this man who would be an AMAZING father from being one?  This weighed heavy on my heart, and I know that it does every single person who is battling this right now.

Indecisive: Do we keep trying to conceive? Do we attempt IVF?  Is adoption for us?  Should we use donor sperm?  Should we use a donor egg?  Do we live childless?  SO many decisions that affect your lives. 

Embarrassed:  We feel embarrassed because our bodies don't work right.  We feel embarrassed in the beginning when we have to open our legs to 5 different doctors in 1 week because THAT'S who has the early shift.  We feel embarrassed to talk about it because it seems like we are the ONLY ones who are going through this hardship.  That is what this week is about..getting the word out so that we don't have to be embarrassed any more!

Skeptical:  We are skeptical if a procedure or medication is going to work.  Cycle after cycle  we see a negative sign over and over again, yes we are skeptical. 

Lost or Alone:  We feel lost in this world.  We feel that our calling to be parents has been lost.  We feel lost because we have no one to talk to.  We feel like we are the only ones.  Did YOU know that infertility affects 1 in 8?  Indeed we are NOT alone..but it certainly feels like it.  We feel alone when it seems NO ONE understands.  Not your best friend, not your friends, not your mom, not your siblings, NO ONE..including your significant other.

Pessimistic:  I can honestly say this was me more times than not.  The WORST thing you can say is "it will happen when the time is right".  Pretty much anytime this was said to me, my eyes rolled.  My doctor would think "this is the month" but do you think I did?  Absolutely not.  5 years later I knew better.

Fatigue:  You wouldn't believe how tired the stress and medication can make you!  It is EXHAUSTING to go through the testing, the meds, the 2ww (two week wait before your period after ovulation), and not to mention if it's a failed cycle..when you're PMS'ing.

Frustrated:  We are frustrated because no one seems to understand or know the right thing to say to us.  We are frustrated because our cycle is another bust.  We are frustrated because our bodies aren't working the way they should.  We are FRUSTRATED.

Terrified:  We are terrified at the fact that we may NEVER be parents, can YOU imagine never getting something you are working SO hard to get?  Terrified at the proposed procedures or medications your doctor wants you to try next. Wouldn't you be terrified to give yourself a shot every day?  I guess this is worse for some people than others..but it's VERY scary at first especially!

Anxious:  During the 2ww (two week wait) after ovulation, we are SO anxious.  Anxious for our beta (pregnancy test by blood) or the date you are supposed to take a hpt (home pregnancy test).  These 2 weeks couldn't go by any slllooooowwwweeeeerrrrr. 

Crushed/Heartbroken:  Nothing hurts worse than seeing a negative pregnancy test.  ESPECIALLY when you thought for SURE that this month was it.  This was the first time I physically could feel my heart HURT.  You spend the 2 week leading up to the big day by thinking every single pain or twinge is a sign that you might be pregnant..only to realize you couldn't be less pregnant.  We feel our hearts breaking also when we realize that the baby we have finally conceived is going to miscarry..I have seen this happen to WAY too many of my friends.  My heart aches for them.

Offended:  We are offended by insensitive comments.  It's not cool to say things like "so, are you pregnant yet?" or "it will happen" because here's the thing..YOU don't know that..so DON'T give us false hope!  We are offended by your complaints of your kids keeping you up at night, we are offended at your insensitivity to the fact that we can't conceive what we want most.

Grief:  I am SO lucky to have not suffered through a miscarriage, BUT, many of my friends have and grief is something they have to deal with for a VERY long time.  Too many of my friends have tried to conceive for years only to it result in losing the baby.  Grief fills MY heart for them..so I can only imagine how they feel..Lord willing, I will never have to feel that.



I have made a pretty decent list, but you all need to know that this doesn't even cover HALF of what we feel.  This week is for Awareness, so that's what I'm doing, I am making you aware of infertility and how it affects those going through it. 

Remember that infertility affects 1 in 8, so chances are you KNOW someone who is feeling all of the things listed above.  PLEASE be more aware, choose your words wisely, and be there for us!!

Jenn

It's National Infertility Awareness Week!

Yepp, you read it right, 1 week dedicated to spreading the awareness for those battling infertility.  I feel that this is such an important week and we need to make those going through infertility know that they aren't the only ones!!

If you don't know me, here is quick bit about OUR battle with infertility:

My husband and I started trying to conceive (now) over 6 years ago.  After about a year and I half I just knew that something was seriously wrong.  I was referred to an OB, had an HSG (showed clear tubes) and did 4 rounds of Clomid after he decided there was no more he could do for us.  We were then referred to a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) who then did more testing, I did 2 more rounds of Clomid (added a trigger shot), injections (Follistim and trigger), had a Laparaoscopy (diagnosed with stage 2-3 endo), and Follistim + trigger + IUI (artificial insemination), ALL with NO luck.  This was all over the course of about 2 and a half years.

I was then diagnosed with 'unexplained infertility' (i.e the biggest bullshit diagnosis in the WORLD) and was told that IVF would be our only option.  We had NO way to pay thousands of dollars for IVF so God worked his magic and placed an IVF trial study in our hands and there it happened!

Reading this, it doesn't sound so bad...right?  THINK AGAIN.  There are so many more things to say but if you want to know more about our journey (as far as the IVF trial study) please feel free to read back on my previous posts. 

This is the start to my posts, stay tuned as I'm about to blog another :)

Jenn

Houston, we have an embryo left!

Well, you heard it!  We finally heard back from New Hope and we DO indeed have 1 frozen embryo there!  We have been trying to get in touch with the clinical research coordinator for nearly a year to find out the status.  We wanted to know so that we had some closure if they ended up destroying it.  It's kind of interesting on how we finally found out!

I searched for New Hope Fertility Center on facebook just to see if they had a page and there ended up being one, so I 'liked' it.  I left a comment on their wall stating my appreciation for the clinic and everyone who worked there because they were all so fabulous.  The next day I got a message from the administrator of the page thanking me for leaving such a nice comment and that the clinical research coordinator was also appreciative for me saying those things.  He proceeded to then ask me if I would be interested in doing a video interview for the clinic!  They are putting together positive stories, I'm assuming to show patients or those interested in the clinic.  

I immediately said yes and said that I would be willing to make a trip back to NYC to do so.  I just try SO hard to give others HOPE that are going through the same thing, and I REALLY owe the clinic that.  Infertility is a heart wrenching thing to go through and I HATE seeing people go through that kind of pain.  I want to put my story out there for them so they hang on and see the beautiful outcome.  

I told him that we will be vacationing in Florida in April and that I would like to come in May for the video, so he wants me to get in touch a little closer to then and he said he will make it work.  I feel VERY flattered to have been asked to do such a thing.  I will never TRULY understand the reasoning God chose me to be infertile, but what I can do, is help others through it as best as I can.  And who knows, maybe that's why he chose me.  

At any rate, we still have an embryo so we need to decide shortly on if we plan on leaving it banked in NYC or if we want to bring it back to a clinic here and PRAY we will one day have enough money to do a Frozen Embryo Transfer.  It's amazing the things that we will do for our kids, both future AND present :)

My little miracle is 1!!

Hey everyone!!  

Well, I know I've been MIA lately but life here has been SO crazy!  We moved into a new house in February and then only had about 3 weeks to get Avery's 1st Birthday party all together.  The move went great and her birthday and party went even better!!

On Friday (her actual birthday), we did a few errands to finish up getting ready for her party..but not before I made her a pancake breakfast!  In the evening we went and had dinner with Ross's family to celebrate and finished the night by coming home and letting her tear into a cupcake!  (For practice for the big party, of course!)

On Saturday we had her actual birthday party and it was GREAT!  We had over 50 people come and it went as smooth as it possibly could with that many people in 1 house!  The theme was "1 Big Apple Birthday".  For those of you who don't know, New York City is VERY special to us, as that is where the clinic was to where we traveled back and forth about 15 times for an IVF clinical trial.  We figured we would chose it this year since it's one of the birthday's we actually get to choose :)

Here are a few pictures:

So, there are just a few pics!!  I will post later about how Avery's doing :) Which, btw, she is doing GREAT!

xoxo,
Jenn