Back to NYC!!

Okay, so we are headed back to NYC tonight!!! Tomorrow I am having a Hysteroscopy to clean out anything that could prevent me from getting pregnant, like fibroids, cysts, etc. I'm not sure what to expect though. All I know is that I can't eat after midnight (which driving during the whole night without any food/more importantly no iced coffee..I'm going to be reeeaaaalllyyy fun!) or drink, that we have to be there at 8am, and that I will basically be in a "twilight". I have never been in that, just always been put out the whole way. Anyhow, I have read that cramping and some spotting is normal afterwards..my question is, HOW bad will the cramps be. I cramp like crazy when I have my period and I swear they better not be like those! We have decided to drive home tomorrow unless I don't feel well, then we will try to find a cheap hotel and then drive back on Friday.

I am just SO amazed at how perfectly this has come together so far (knock on wood). It's like it is meant to be. I mean EVERYTHING has come together. When I started spotting on Saturday I was so bummed that my Hysteroscopy would be pushed back further because you aren't supposed to be on your period during it. Well, typically I will spot for about 3 or 4 days before the "real" thing comes. Think that happened this time? NO!!! Why? God works in mysterious ways!!! He knew that I had to have my Hysteroscopy Thursday and by golly, it happened!

If you read this, sorry if it's all TMI. This is a reality for us and when I say I am a very open person, I mean it. I'm just so used to posting on bulletin boards and that's where you can release it all, and I just don't care who knows anymore! It is a true battle of winning and losing. A battle of heartache. It's so nice to be able to have friends who have gone through this same thing, because they can understand when you get a negative pregnancy test and you just want to break down and literally lose it. My heart aches for a girl on the board who did a Frozen Embryo Transfer (as I will be too) and her first beta was a 9, and today it was only in the 3's. It's obvious what that means, and I'm just so sad for her. It's hard to watch other girls (AND yourself) have to go through this month after month. Then you get to see people in your life get pregnant over and over again without barely trying or calling it an "accident"! Well HELLO! Where is MY "accident"?!?! Sorry, I went off into a bit of a rant, but it's hard to make other people realize how many emotions really go into this. People say "oh you're young" but they just don't get it. I am just thankful we have found out while being young.

Okay! Gotta finish eating my "last meal" as I call it before having surgeries, LOL! Then gotta hit the shower and then hit the road!

Until next time,
**Jenn**

And then there were 2

Hey everyone..if anyone reads this, LOL. Just wanted to post to say that the other 2 they were waiting for didn't make it. I guess they were progressing like they expected them to and so they had to destroy them. So, we have 2 frozen embabies (embryos..I just like to call them embabies because they are my babies..or at least the closest thing I have ever come to my baby!) that will wait for us until later this month or the beginning of next.

At first I was a little discouraged with only having 2 frozen..but then I got to thinking about it and then I had to wake up and say "HELLO! That's more than you would have had!! AND it's the closest we have EVER come to being parents!". So, I am ecstatic about 2..I just pray that when it comes time, that they take them out, they both survive that. If they do..I know they are tough, tough, tough and will be able to handle anything!

Mother's Day was a little bit difficult as it is every year. But this time it was a little easier just knowing I am a mommy to 2 little embryos. You might think I am crazy..but they are a part of me and may one day become my little baby. Just keep praying for us, PLEASE! In a week from Thursday we head back up for my Hysteroscopy. Hopefully that won't be too painful..yuck. After this whole thing is done I don't even want to know how many people have been "down there"!!!

Gotta run!

Freeze Frame!

Alright so just a quick update: they have frozen 2 of our little 'embabies' and will freeze 2 more tomorrow. I am assuming this is because 2 of the eggs were fertilized the day after the first 2. Soooo, so far so good!! Yes!

It's been awhile, but we are doing the IVF trial!!

Okay, so I have been really bad about updating this thing. I need to get in the swing of doing this! Anyhow this one might be a long one so bear with me!

Basically our first visit to New York City was back in March. They basically went through all of the paperwork and talked to us about what is involved. They told us that if we were accepted there was a possibility they would cancel us if it wasn't working. I had an ultrasound and they drew some blood work. They had to check how may antral follicles I had..I was slightly below the amount required for the trial but they said it was okay. One thing that struck me was the doctor asked if early menopause ran in my family and that my ovaries looked that of a 40/70 (couldn't understand what he said) year old! My reaction? "WHAT?!" Anyhow, he said he wasn't certain as he couldn't tell on the ultrasound but it was still quite alarming. The trial coordinator talked with the doctor afterwards and basically had to decide on whether they were going to offer us the trial. He called us back to his office and said that he had good news and he also had bad news..of course I asked for the bad news first! He said that we weren't great candidates as I have less eggs..he said my ovaries are about 10 years older than I am..but his good news was that they were going to accept me into the trial anyways!! I was so ecstatic! I was scared, nervous, happy, and basically anything you can imagine! So, he gave me birth control pills and said that I would begin them the day I go for my bloodwork which would be a few weeks after that.

So, once this cycle started we headed up to NYC on Monday, April 20th, for the beginning of everything. They did bloodwork and the coordinator said my levels were a little bit higher than they like and that I really wasn't a good candidate for the trial but they were going to go ahead with it anyway. He chose the envelope which would determine my fate of which route of IVF we would be going through. We were put into the Mini IVF which I was sooo thankful for! Conventional IVF focuses more on quantity of eggs, where as Mini IVF focuses more on QUALITY which is more important to me! So, after that visit he gave me Clomid to take and said I would be taking it for many days and also gave me 3 doses of Menopur.

We went home, mind you traveling to and from is absolutely INSANE! We usually have to leave at 11pm and drive through the night. It's about a 7 1/2 hour drive. We arrive to the train station at about 8am, get on a train to go into the city, get on a couple Subway's, and then walk to the office..it's pretty time consuming and exhausting but totally worth it. Anyhow, I started taking my Clomid and Ross gave me my injections in my tummy..I am thankful he is so graceful with those..sometimes they sting but that's not his fault.

We had to head back on Friday, April 24th for more blood work and ultrasound. They said that things were progressing well and that I need to come back on Monday. So, on the 27th, we did the drive again for the same thing..blood work and ultrasound. This time they said we had to come back on Wednesday! So, not only did we get home Monday night around 11pm, we had to leave exactly 24 hours after that for another drive!

We arrive on Wednesday the 29th for the same stuff, blood work and ultrasound, waited 2 hours for the results (by which we went to Neil's Coffee Shop for breakfast, and that is like my favorite place now!). When we got back they said that they needed us to stay through the weekend as my levels had jumped up so much in only 2 days. So, that night I was supposed to take Clomid and another Menopur injection. We left there and called my mom to book our hotel room online since it was a little cheaper and then headed back to pick up the car in Newark, NJ and drive to the hotel which was in Queens. That took like 2 hours, traffic in NYC is just crazy! No wonder why people don't drive! LOL! So, we got to the hotel and took a well deserved nap, got up and headed to dinner. When we got back, Ross was getting the injection ready and realized they sent us home without a needle! Can't give myself an injection without a needle! So, I freaked for a few minutes and then called the answering service to the clinic..a lady called me back and asked for a pharmacy number so she could call in a needle. Well, we weren't from around there so we asked the people at the hotel and all they could do was point to the pharmacy a few blocks away..so poor Ross had to run while I sat on the phone with the nurse. He got the number and then the nurse called in the needle but they wouldn't allow it since I wasn't getting medication! Mind you, we stayed in a SCARY party of town..so, I can see why they wouldn't allow that! We were in Jamaica, Queens and were surrounded by scary people and a lot of homeless people..it was truly heartbreaking.

Anyhow, we didn't do the injection and only did the Clomid, we went back to the clinic on Thursday and they said that the Egg Retrieval would be on Sunday (we were previously told it would be Saturday). So, they gave me an hCG shot, told me to continue to take Clomid, and I also began taking Indocin..which I am assuming that is to prevent ovulation. My blood work was good and my ultrasound was showing that I would possibly have 6 follicles for retrieval. We went back again on Friday for the same stuff, and then they said I would have to move the retrieval to Monday! So, they gave me another hCG injection and I went on my way after the ultrasound and bloodwork, same meds as the day before.

Same thing really for Saturday, only difference is I began taking a nasal spray at 9pm that night (after all of the same stuff..ultrasound, blood work, etc) and again at 10pm. Sunday I had to take the nasal spray at 10am, this is basically to release the eggs. Sunday they only did bloodwork and said that they would see me on Monday..not not before the coordinator literally almost gave me a heart attack! When he was there he said "we have a problem". So he basically said that my pap smear had expired and that they had no blood work on file for Ross. Which totally made sense because when I had my screening blood work that is required for all IVF's, Ross was sitting in the chair to get his and they said he didn't need it! So, I questioned it but they said it was only for me. So, basically he said we either had to do it right then or they would have to cancel me. Of course I said, alright let's do it! I was not about to go through all of that for nothing! So, after that, we went on our way. We had decided to spend the day at Times Square..it was a nasty day though, but still very cool to see! We sat down and ordered at Planet Hollywood when I received a phone call from the clinic. It was the coordinator (of which was supposed to be on a plane to Texas..so I hope we didn't make him miss his flight!). He said that they needed to see me right away and that the Egg Retrieval had to be right then. So, I freaked out a little bit and we had to tell our waiter that we had to leave..I felt horrible but was so thankful they hadn't made the food yet! So, we grabbed a small can of pringles to share so I would have something in my stomach and basically ran to the Subway station, had to get on 2 different ones, and then had to basically run to the clinic. When we got there there was barely anyone there! They did an ultrasound to make sure everything was okay and took me upstairs. They had me change into a gown and then gave me a Valium. I just sat there until it kicked in, then when it did I felt soooo loopy! It was kind of a nice feeling! LOL!

Anyhow, they took me into the room and I got into the chair/table thing and showed everyone in the room my goods because I had to put my legs in the stirrups(hey at this point, who HASN'T seem them?! Right?!). The doctor was soo great and friendly he described everything to me! He gave me 2 shots of local anesthesia on my uterus..which surprisingly didn't hurt at all really! Just felt like a little pinch! Then he had to do an ultrasound to locate the eggs. When he was about to grab one he just told me to breathe in and then breathe out really hard and that's when he got it. So, all in all we ended up retrieving 6 eggs! It was really cool because I was able to watch everything he was doing! I saw the ultrasound on the screen and then saw the egg in the thing the Embryologist uses..too cool! I was able to see the egg of what might potentially be my baby one day!

So, after that I changed and then had to wait for Ross to do his job. Men get off SO freaking easy when it comes to infertility..LITERALLY! Here I am getting pumped full of hormones, getting so much blood work that my arm is black and I look like I shoot up cocaine, having a huge ultrasound want shoved up my WhoHa, and he gets to "do" his little job into a cup?! Damn! It's okay though, going through all of this for years has made me a much stronger person that's for sure!

Anyhow, we went back to the hotel afterwards and just watched TV. We left early on Monday morning to come home. On our way home we got a message that 2 of our eggs had fertilized, 2 were a little immature and they did ICSI (a procedure where they actually inject the egg with sperm..giving a much better chance of fertilization) and said they would call back today (Tuesday) with those results, said that 1 egg was abnormal, and 1 was degenerate..which basically means that it was missing some Chromosomes.

We got the call today that the 2 that had ICSI both FERTILIZED! YES! So, right now we have 4 and they said it's possible we will have 1 more but they are watching it as it hasn't matured yet.

So, that is that! Our next step? We will wait for a phone call on Friday..with doing a Mini IVF, they always freeze the embryos before the transfer. So, once they do that they will let us know how they have done and if they are okay. Then, on May 21st I will go back to NYC for a Hysteroscopy. They are doing this (it is basically a D&C) to clean me out from anything that could prevent the embryo from implanting. Since I have previously had endometreosis (and probably still have it now) they need to "clean me out". So then after that happens we will do the transfer and continue to pray that it works!

So, that is that for now! I will keep things thing posted as the information comes in now!

The waiting game

Well, where do we stand? Basically we are just waiting for AF to show so we can head to NYC. I am EXTREMELY nervous about everything. It's such a big step. I'm not nervous to get pregnant. I am nervous about our jobs, driving in NYC, things like that. The clinic looks as if it is just outside of Manhattan and I have never been to NYC, let alone DRIVEN there! You always hear of the nightmare of driving there and I couldn't be more scared. What if we are late? What if we can't find parking? What do we do? These are things that keep playing in my head but I know I will just need to ask them when I call to schedule my 1st appointment. I am hoping that it will somehow end up on the weekend so I don't have to miss work. This is just so scary.

Anyhow, that's where we stand for now. We should be heading in a week or so. In a week, we could find out some life changing news and I couldn't be more excited about it!

Until next time,
Jenn

Update on where we stand with the IVF study

Well, I received my medical records from my RE and Ross faxed them in. I called the study to make sure they received them and the man told me to call when I get my period!!! So basically when AF comes, I will be going to NY on CD 2 or 3!!! I am trying to remain so hopeful. I went through my medical records and it really seems like we fit the categories of what they are looking for, but it really all depends on how my body is when I go for my 1st appointment!! Now all I have to worry about is my job..

I am so scared and upset because I talked to my boss about everything. She said I can fill out FMLA (that way my absences when I have to go for the trial will be protected and I won't get any occurances) but the only problem with that is it only lasts 16 weeks. So basically if I WERE to get pregnant and something were to happy to where I would need to be on bed rest, my job wouldn't be protected anymore :( I am so scared that I could possibly lose my job if I would have to be off later down the road. I just don't think I can pass up this opportunity if we get it. This will be a once in a lifetime chance and this is the WORLD to us!! I guess I just need to bite the bullet and do it and if I lose my job, it won't be for a long time and I will have to worry about that later!! Please say a prayer that I can get into this trial!! PLEASE!!

I have been reading the book "A Few Good Eggs". I'm only just beginning but it's so true!! Nobody understands infertility unless you have been through it! Because I can't get knocked up like everyone else, I could possibly lose my job?! It's just SO unfair!!! I'm going to go read some more of the book now..but wanted to update!!

A little hope? PLEASE GOD!!!

Well, I am hoping that something amazing will work out. A dear friend, Ana, from mybabyish posted and said there is an IVF study in New York City, so she sent me the info and I have "applied" if you will. The first bit was only a few questions and then I received an e-mail telling me to log in and complete a longer health summary. However, at the end it said that they will contact me with the date of my first appointment..so right off the bat, my hopes are UP!! I had hoped to not get my hopes up, but it just all feels so within reach! I guess I just need to have faith in that what is meant to be, will be, and if it doesn't work out..then that's okay, at least I tried. I just hope so much that Ana and I can go through this together!! She is in Florida and I am in Ohio, and it would be a lot of traveling for the both of us, but how amazing would this be?! I just pray that it will work out with my job (if it happens at all) and our finances. OHHH PLEASE WORK OUT!!

In other news, I am having surgery on Tuesday to remove yet ANOTHER kidney stone. Blah!! In December or so I had to have Lithotripsy to blast a kidney stone, and apparently a piece of it is now stuck right up against my bladder. I don't feel it (thank God..that is a miracle in itself!) but the doctor wants to be sure to get it out so it doesn't cause a blockage and cause bigger problems down the road. They basically have to go up my Ureter (which is where you pee) and blast it up into smaller pieces and remove the pieces. TALK ABOUT OUCH!! I have had this once before and was sooo sore right afterwards..like the worst burning in the world when urinating!! SOO not looking forward to this.

I am also getting braces in 3 weeks as well! I am pretty excited but I know what to expect. I have already had braces before but my Orthodontist found that my bottom teeth are too big for my jaw so no matter what they would have gone back to being crooked. So I have to have my front bottom teeth shaved down on the sides to make room for them to be straight. Anyway, I will have to post pics when I am a brace-face!!!

That's all for now, just wanted to get it off of my chest!