Wednesday, August 18, 2010

That question..ALREADY?!

I know that I am terrible at updating this..but I assure you, the next post will be filled with tons of fabulous information about Avery and TONS of pics! However, this more of a vent I suppose.

Yesterday I was asked THAT question that I have been dreading.

"So, are you going to have any more kids?"

Really? UGH. Well, my short response was: "if I can!" and I kind of chuckled it off. What I REALLY wanted to say was: "do YOU have the thousands of dollars so I CAN have more kids?!". I have been going along just enjoying my time with Avery and there hasn't been a day that I have taken for granted with her, but this question just made my chest tighten up. I am SO blessed after more than 4 years of TTC to finally have the baby I have dreamed about..but I can't help but feel only panic when thinking about what if we can't have any more?

Am I being selfish to want more than 1? The whole time while TTC I would pray that God would just let me have 1 baby and that's all I would ever ask for. But, now that she's here? Guess my opinion changed. She's here and I would love to have a million kids. However, duh, that's not going to happen..but is it REALLY greedy of me to want more than 1 when it feels like the rest of the world can have however many they WANT and can start and stop whenever they WANT? I don't think it's greedy or selfish.

I did post a bit of a rant last night on facebook and I got some great responses..supportive responses. Then I also got some asshat responses (which is to be expected I suppose) about how Avery is all I need. REALLY?! Do you REALLY know what I need!? Who the heck are you to tell me that?? I guess people who have never dealt with infertility should just keep their traps shut. You don't KNOW the pain. You don't KNOW the frustration. You don't KNOW the emptiness in my heart. YOU DON'T KNOW!!

I'm so frustrated sitting back and having to watch other women dealing with infertility because I KNOW how awful it is. All I can do is offer words of encouragement and I hope they take my story and have a small glimpse of hope. I'm so angry at how unfair infertility's JUST SO UNFAIR!

Anyway, I have a ton more to say but I better leave it at that :) Please don't think I am not thankful for my miracle Avery because I am SO incredibly thankful and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't thank God for giving me her. Just after going through 4 years of hell..I don't want to face that ever again. I HATE INFERTILITY!!