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Wednesday, July 15, 2009

It's a deep hurt.

This afternoon/evening has been a little difficult for me. We found out that our very good friends have lost their baby. She was only a few weeks ahead of me. I feel so terrible for them and it honestly hurts me on the inside to know they are going through this. These are two AWESOME people and they don't deserve this. However, I told her that we may never understand why God does the things he does, but there is always a reason behind it. Sometimes we may never find out why, but there is.

It has taken me a long time to realize this myself. But after the last few months, how can I not? We have been through a grueling 4 years. We have cried, screamed, hated, loved, and really just felt every emotion possible..but it was all for this beautiful reason. It has made us so much stronger than we were before and now more than ever..we will never take anything for granted.

I'm just so sad for them. I'm sad that (provided everything goes well with my pregnancy) she will have to watch me go through my pregnancy and have a beautiful outcome..when she was supposed to have that too, only a few weeks before me. I pray that they will remain strong, faithful, and that they will come out on top. I know they will, they are great people. I just need to put her emotions ahead of mine and be there for her and pray that she will be okay.

I know what it is like to be jealous. Watching everyone around you get pregnant and you've never even seen a positive pregnancy test before. I don't want her to feel this way. It is a terrible feeling. A feeling so bad that you can't even go to baby showers. Something that is such a happy place for everyone else is not so happy for you. As happy as you want to be for someone, and as much as you love them..doesn't hold back the jealousy and hurt that you feel. It's natural.

They were supposed to come in town next week and stay with us for a few days so we could hang out and have fun..but I'm not so sure that they will be coming anymore, but I don't blame them. They need this time to grieve..but I would also love to see them so we can show them how much we do care.

Speaking of deep hurt. We spoke in church Sunday. Boy, was that hard! It was hard to talk without crying. I don't know why I was even crying..either the hurt we have felt or the amazing miracle we have been given..or both? I really appreciate the feedback we received from people. A few had their own testimony to share with me (which was DEFINITELY nice to hear) and some just telling us how happy they were for us as they knew what a journey it had been for us. The hardest part was never hearing from parts of his family. They had known how hard it was for us..and not a word. I guess they still hate us from not being around..but never do they ask the real reason for that. Some of you know what I am talking about, some of you don't, but I'm not going to elaborate. It just proves even more so now how I have never been a true part of that family. I've never mattered enough to them..and probably never will. I pray that would change, but I can't change their hearts.

I feel a deep hurt everyday for everything that happened with his family. I hurt about all of the mean things that were said about me. I hurt knowing that people I thought loved me, really didn't. I hurt that "family" would be so cruel. I hurt that my child is probably going to miss out on the most special times with that family. It's not our babies fault. But, I will probably be ridiculed for everything I do or say, or the way I look..so why would I want to subject her/him to that? I don't want them constantly wondering what is being said about them either..it hurts too much. I try to remain strong..but when you have terribly low self esteem, sometimes it's not enough.

Anyhow..I guess tonight is just a really sad night for me. I hurt for our friends. I hurt for a lot of different reasons tonight. I haven't felt this sad in a long time. Maybe I'm just tired.

Until next time,
xoxo
Jenn

1 comments:

Virgie said...

Aww, I wish I could just give ya a hug! I hate those days where everything just seems so wrong and mixed up. It's great that you are being supportive of your friend even if they don't want to come. I know for me, losing one of the babies made that a time when I couldn't stand to be around anyone else. I just couldn't handle the stares (real or imagined) You sound like a great friend to her and I'm sure she's very lucky to have friends like you!! I'll be keeping her in my prayers that she can find some measure of peace during such a horrible time.