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Monday, January 19, 2009

The world lost one beautiful baby..but Heaven gained one AMAZING angel

I just got back from going to baby Gabby's calling hours. It's just so sad and unfair.

She was absolutely beautiful, looked just like a baby doll. She looked so peaceful, so beautiful, so perfect. It was hard to believe the struggle that she had been facing for the 2 months of her life..you couldn't tell. She had perfect eye brows, perfect hair (from what I could see that was under the hat), perfect lips. It's just not fair for Leslie and Scott to have to go through this. They are amazing people as well as amazing parents and they don't deserve this either.

Leslie is my hero for appearing to be so strong tonight. She said something that really stuck with me and she said that she believes that the good ones don't stay long, and that Gabby must have been a REALLY good one. I totally believe that. Baby Gabby is in heaven and is now an angel and I feel the title of this blog says it all. The world lost one beautiful baby, but Heaven gained one AMAZING angel. Gabby is now watching over her baby sister Natalie and her mommy and daddy. She is now able to live freely without the tubes or without the IV's. She is able to roam freely and play with baby Hailey.

I'm just so sad for them, they are great people and I just pray that they will find peace and strength. That they can forever remember their baby Gabby but with a smile instead of a frown.

I will pray for them as I have been.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Here it is...#1

Well, here it is. I have been debating for awhile on if I should start a blog or not..but something lately has made me feel as if I should. A little about Ross and I:

I am 23 and Ross is 24, we have been married for just over 5 years and have been together for 6 1/2. We were married when I was 18 and he was 19..and I am so thankful we have made it this far. We got so much crap for being so young..which I understand, but I am so glad that now that we have made it this far, I can just say "HA".

Anyhow, about a year into our marriage or so we decided that we wanted to try to start our family. I guess when you're so young, you just assume that it should be as simple as tying your shoe. Boy were we wrong. After 6 months, I started feeling like something was wrong but didn't say anything. Then, 6 months turned into a year, and a year turned into a year and a half. At that point, I said something. I was put on Clomid for 4 months and ovulated for 3 of those months, but after my 4th month at my OBGYN's office..he said it was time to see someone else..a Reproductive Endocrinologist. So..we went there, I had already had some testing at my OBGYN's office that came out fine but my RE did some other ones, like the postcoital test and numerous blood works. All came out just fine. He put me on Clomid for another 2 months but this time along with the trigger shot and still BFN's. After that he put me on Follistim for 3 months with the trigger shot..but had to have a month in between each cycle due to cysts in my ovaries. Still nothing. After that he decided that it was best for me to have an Laparoscopy. Finally after 3 years of TTC we found the problem..or..1 of the problems we think. Stage 2/3 Endometriosis. So, he cleaned me out and was certain that was the cause. After I was healed, we did another cycle of Follistim and a trigger, but added the IUI this time..and guess what..still nothing. Never have I ever seen a positive pregnancy test. Except for the ones of course to monitor my trigger shot..but never a pregnancy. Nothing. After our IUI..we just decided it is time to wait it out for a little bit. Try to heal from the inside out for a little while.

No one can imagine the pain we feel. By saying 'we' I mean anyone who has to go through infertility. It is such a horrible kind of pain, a longing kind of pain. Something you know is completely out of your control.

I had a melt down last night..my first one in a little while. I just looked at Ross and felt so much guilt. Knowing that I can't provide a family for him absolutely kills me. He comforted me and then I realized how much I don't deserve someone like that. He is the sweetest, most caring, loving husband in the world. I don't know what I would do without him.

That's it for today.