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Project Playlist

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

In Awe :)

I am so sorry it has taken me so long to update! Anyhow, since my last post we have made our LAST two NYC trips! YES!! We have finally "graduated" from the fertility clinic and are "normal"!

Our 1st of the last appointments we had an ultrasound and were able to see and hear our little peanuts heartbeat. THAT was sooo amazing. I was so nervous just because of the circumstances but "she" was beating away! I already love our little peanut SO much!

Our 2nd (last) appointment we had another ultrasound but this time our baby looked SO much different! "She" had legs and arms! It was just such an amazing sight..it was truly so beautiful! She's already super cute, and every time I look at the photo, I just start laughing because she's sooooo cute! When the tech held the probe in one spot you could see our little ones arms and legs moving all over the place! It was adorable!

After our ultrasound we met with the doctor and he basically just thanked us and told us that "we are changing the world of In-vitro". He said that with the Mini IVF we did 5% of the usual injections..which is incredible! I am so thankful we have been able to be a part of this experience and I can't wait to get a copy of the study. That fertility clinic has given us our dream and I will never be able to repay them for that! So, in honor of them, we decided that if we have a girl (which of course..as you can tell above..we think it's a girl) her middle name will be Hope. The fertility centers name is "New Hope Fertility Center" which is SO true. It honestly gave us new hope!

Okay I am so sorry this is rather short..but I am exhausted!

Oh! And our actual due date is February 26th, 2010!

xoxo
Jenn

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

It's a deep hurt.

This afternoon/evening has been a little difficult for me. We found out that our very good friends have lost their baby. She was only a few weeks ahead of me. I feel so terrible for them and it honestly hurts me on the inside to know they are going through this. These are two AWESOME people and they don't deserve this. However, I told her that we may never understand why God does the things he does, but there is always a reason behind it. Sometimes we may never find out why, but there is.

It has taken me a long time to realize this myself. But after the last few months, how can I not? We have been through a grueling 4 years. We have cried, screamed, hated, loved, and really just felt every emotion possible..but it was all for this beautiful reason. It has made us so much stronger than we were before and now more than ever..we will never take anything for granted.

I'm just so sad for them. I'm sad that (provided everything goes well with my pregnancy) she will have to watch me go through my pregnancy and have a beautiful outcome..when she was supposed to have that too, only a few weeks before me. I pray that they will remain strong, faithful, and that they will come out on top. I know they will, they are great people. I just need to put her emotions ahead of mine and be there for her and pray that she will be okay.

I know what it is like to be jealous. Watching everyone around you get pregnant and you've never even seen a positive pregnancy test before. I don't want her to feel this way. It is a terrible feeling. A feeling so bad that you can't even go to baby showers. Something that is such a happy place for everyone else is not so happy for you. As happy as you want to be for someone, and as much as you love them..doesn't hold back the jealousy and hurt that you feel. It's natural.

They were supposed to come in town next week and stay with us for a few days so we could hang out and have fun..but I'm not so sure that they will be coming anymore, but I don't blame them. They need this time to grieve..but I would also love to see them so we can show them how much we do care.

Speaking of deep hurt. We spoke in church Sunday. Boy, was that hard! It was hard to talk without crying. I don't know why I was even crying..either the hurt we have felt or the amazing miracle we have been given..or both? I really appreciate the feedback we received from people. A few had their own testimony to share with me (which was DEFINITELY nice to hear) and some just telling us how happy they were for us as they knew what a journey it had been for us. The hardest part was never hearing from parts of his family. They had known how hard it was for us..and not a word. I guess they still hate us from not being around..but never do they ask the real reason for that. Some of you know what I am talking about, some of you don't, but I'm not going to elaborate. It just proves even more so now how I have never been a true part of that family. I've never mattered enough to them..and probably never will. I pray that would change, but I can't change their hearts.

I feel a deep hurt everyday for everything that happened with his family. I hurt about all of the mean things that were said about me. I hurt knowing that people I thought loved me, really didn't. I hurt that "family" would be so cruel. I hurt that my child is probably going to miss out on the most special times with that family. It's not our babies fault. But, I will probably be ridiculed for everything I do or say, or the way I look..so why would I want to subject her/him to that? I don't want them constantly wondering what is being said about them either..it hurts too much. I try to remain strong..but when you have terribly low self esteem, sometimes it's not enough.

Anyhow..I guess tonight is just a really sad night for me. I hurt for our friends. I hurt for a lot of different reasons tonight. I haven't felt this sad in a long time. Maybe I'm just tired.

Until next time,
xoxo
Jenn

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Heartbeat on Saturday!

Hey everyone! So, our appointment in NYC to hear our little ones heartbeat has been moved to this coming Saturday. It was originally going to be Tuesday but I am SO thankful they let us move it to Saturday. That way, I don't have to miss any work and Ross was able to get his weekend moved so he didn't have to use any days. I am so so excited, yet so so scared. I keep trying to be positive..but there are ALWAYS "what ifs". I am really trying not to focus on those..but I do have to keep it in my head as a possibility unfortunately.

My mom and sister are going to be going with us, which should be nice. It won't be so lonely on the ride there and back, LOL! Anyhow, please keep us in your prayers as I will probably be a nervous wreck.

Hope you all are well!

xoxo
Jenn

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Numbers are good!!

Okay, so maybe I'm getting really terrible at updating this thing. I need to get it together! LOL!

Anyhow, 1 week ago on Friday I got my #'s back and they had gone from 80 to 2,789 in 1 week. Then, 1 week after that (this past Friday) the nurse said my #'s were great and above 25,000. So, it looks like I have a healthy peanut so far! Of course, I still pray every night that things stay positive. We should hear the little heartbeat in about a week and a half or so..I couldn't be MORE excited about that!

As for how I am feeling, I am still feeling pretty good. I am basically tired and hungry all of the time and have to pee more frequently. None of this I can complain about, I am just so thankful to be on this journey finally! I think once you battle infertility you are so much more grateful for the gift of life. So many people take it for granted..and that is one thing I can promise I will NEVER do as long as I live. I will be forever grateful.

Better run, I'm getting sleepy again!

xoxo
Jenn