Christmas and 31 weeks!

Hey everyone!! I hope you all had a blessed Christmas. Our Christmas this year was really good, minus the fact that Ross had to work..but he did it so he can be home for Avery's first Christmas next year! I had such a great time with both of our families, I'm so thankful for all of them. Best gift was the HD Camcorder my parents bought us. We totally didn't expect that! They had already gave us money to put towards our new computer (since our other one blew up) and also a Keurig coffee maker..so that was MORE than enough right there! The camcorder will be SO great so we can put videos online for my family in California and of course to just be able to have videos of Avery.

The fact that Christmas is now over makes me realize how quickly the time is approaching that we will be meeting our little princess! 2 months, that's it! My first shower is on January 9th and I couldn't be more excited for it! I have dreamed of this for YEARS! I'm a little anxious about timing with everything and whether or not we will have everything we need..but I'm sure we will be fine. There's always "what ifs" and I question everything! Like, how many newborn outfits do we need? What about 0-3? 3-6? Crazy!

Anyhow, I am feeling pretty good still! Thankfully! I can tell I am definitely getting sleepy as the days go by..but my body is feeling good. She is getting the hiccups constantly, and seems to be moving more and more! It's funny sometimes when I'm sitting because my whole belly moves! It's such a funny feeling but also funny to watch. I am still on every 2 week appointments so my next one is this Wednesday


Here are a few pics for ya! The belly pics are at 31 weeks.

Okay! That's it for now! I hope you all have a great New Year's!

29 almost 30 weeks!

WOW! Can you believe it?! I feel like the last half of this pregnancy is flying by! I guess it doesn't help that it is around the holiday's and everything..that always makes time fly it seems. I am feeling really good though! Belly is growing every day and her movements are getting stronger and more often too! I think for the first time I over-did it on Saturday. We had an "Ugly Christmas Sweater" Party. We spent the day cleaning and making food so I was on my feet all day..by the end of the night I felt SOOOO exhausted and sore! I woke up on Sunday feeling fine though.

We also celebrated our 6 year anniversary on Sunday. 6 years! Can you believe it?! 6 years ago I was an 18 year old..and here we are, finally getting our wish! We've come such a long way in 6 years..that's for sure.

Anyhow, I have my 30 week appointment tomorrow. After that..I start going every 2 weeks! Holy cow! I really can't believe how fast this is going! I am trying to cherish it as much as I can..because we really don't know if I will ever be able to get pregnant again..without IVF. Let's just pray that another one is in God's plan :)

Well..here are some pics..one is of me and my ugly sweater before our party on Saturday!

The last one is of us just heading out the door to the zoo..just thought I'd throw a recent picture of "us" in there!

Merry Christmas!
xoxo
Jenn

25 weeks and Avery's Nursery!

Wow! 25 weeks already! In the beginning it seemed like time was creeping by but now it seems like it is going SO fast! I am feeling great so far, I can feel the exhaustion coming back. It's not the same as it was in the beginning where I couldn't get through the day without a nap, but I can feel myself getting really exhausted. However, once I get home and get ready for bed it's hard to actually sleep! My mind races about this and that and it's like my body is so tired but my brain isn't.

We received a gift in the mail from Target last week from a guy that Ross knows from the internet. This is the 2nd surprise from people we know via internet. SO sweet!!! It sure does brighten your day when things like that happen! This passed weekend we started Avery's nursery! We painted the walls and put together all of her furniture. Just by doing that I feel SO much better. We still have to get her bedding and we are really thinking about doing a mural on the wall to match the bedding but we will decide that for sure once we see the bedding in the room. We hope to get her room done by the holidays/Christmas. It gets so busy around the holidays and everything and my first shower will be January 9th, so I want the room ready to go so we just have to put everything away. I can't believe how quickly it's all happening!

Well, here are some pictures..first off my 25 week pic!



Here are some before pics of the nursery....




And after it's painted and the furniture is together!




Okay! That's it for now!

xoxo,
Jenn

Oops..it's been awhile!

WOW! I can't believe it! I am already 24 weeks along! The pic above is me at 23 weeks however..I haven't gotten my new pictures uploaded. I am just in AWE of how amazing this experience is! I love my little girl so much I can't even stand it! Now I am REALLY feeling her kicks and even Ross is able to feel them a lot of the time. Her personality is already so stinkin cute!

My last appointment was at 22 weeks and I was measure at 21 which is totally normal. You should measure within 2 weeks of how far you actually are, either way. I'm hoping she will stay smaller as she has been. At our ultrasound with the doctor, she was in the 35th percentile. My OB says no big babies for me! I'm too small to handle a big baby. My next appointment is @ 26 weeks and I will be doing my glucose test (wish me luck!).

We have purchased all of our furniture!!! Yay! We just really need to get the bedding now so that we can paint and get everything put together. With the holidays coming we really want to get it done so that once I have my showers we can just put everything away.

Anyhow, things are great over here, loving every minute and feeling blessed every minute. I still can't even believe it a lot of the time! My weight gain has been great too, only at 5.5lbs. My OB wants me to gain about 5lbs this month since I lost weight in the beginning.

Okay, that's about it for now! I will try harder to keep posting!

Our ultrasound :)

Hey! Alright, I can finally post about our amazing ultrasound!

Anyhow, first off..it was just so AMAZING!! First the tech had the normal 2D u/s on to determine the sex, and the minute she said "It's a girl" everyone screamed! Luckily so many people went, it was nice to have a family that is so supportive! Out of my family it was my mom, dad, sister, grandma, grandpa, aunt, and cousin..and out of his? His mom. I'm just thankful she came. After that she was moving around like CRAZY! Every time we have seen her, she has been SO active.

She started out pretty much upside down with her head and belly facing down, then she turned facing in towards me, then she flipped facing out..she was everywhere! The tech was amazed at how active she was. In the 3D, she started with her right hand covering her face..but then later she still had her hand up there but it looked exactly like she was blowing kisses! She had her hand under her chin! She was in so many cute positions it's hard to think of them all! Let's see..we have a really good picture of her doing a peace sign..it is hilarious! She also was laying with her hands above her head for a little while..then it looked like she was cuddling up with my uterus..it was so cute! She had her hands by her face and knees pulled up..it was awesome! For awhile there she would literally kick and push off of my uterus too! I was amazed that I wasn't feeling it! Anyway..if you are friends with me on facebook Ross made a video and I am tagged in it so you should be able to see most of the pictures..I haven't had a chance to put them up yet.

Anyway, better run but wanted to let you know what it was like!

Oh! And her name is Avery Hope! We have loved the name Avery but when we decided the middle name Hope..we chose that for sure. We chose Hope as a middle name because it is part of the name of the clinic "New Hope" and without them, this opportunity never would have happened! And also, without Hope..we never would have gotten through all of the tough times when dealing with infertility.

Okay gotta go!

It's a...........

GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'll be back later to post about it, but wanted to let you know!!! She is beautiful!!

Change of plans!!

I wanted to post tonight real quick while I have a minute, but we have decided to have a 3D ultrasound...so that means we will find out what our little miracle is TOMORROW!! I will post ASAP so stay tuned everyone!!!

xoxo
Jenn

16 weeks :)

There is my 16 week belly pic! I can actually really notice a difference this week between the two pictures. I can't really tell on myself, but putting them side to side makes me feel like things are okay and this little one is doing well. We are so excited that we find out what we are having in about 2 1/2 weeks! I am probably going to be a nervous wreck that day waiting in anticipation! We have been going to baby stores and just can't wait to register and buy clothes and everything..SO amazing!

AFM, I am feeling pretty good. I'm not AS tired as I was in the beginning but still tired. I am still having some major food aversions..but it's getting better I think. Last week I had 2 days where I had a nasty sinus headache and it affected me so much that I couldn't eat..they made me feel soo nauseous! I am headed back to the ENT though on Wednesday so I am hoping something can be done. Other than that, I haven't felt the baby move yet, but I will be so excited when I do! That will be another sign that everything is okay.

That's about it for now but I wanted to post the picture before I forgot! Hope everyone is well!

Amazing :)

Hey everyone!

Well, I am now 15 weeks along and blessed every single day of the 15 weeks! We had our latest doctors appointment about a week ago and have a scheduled date of September 30th for our BIG ultrasound! We will be definitely finding out what this little miracle is, and then right away we will be registering and getting everything ready! With the holidays we feel like we need to do everything early since we will probably be so busy with everything else. Anyhow, our appointment was GREAT! We were able to hear our little ones heartbeat (but not until after being scared to death because my doctors doppler wasn't working right!) but it was there and she said it was "perfect"! Every time we go I always get this scared feeling deep down because after going through all of the infertility and having so many let downs, it's hard to believe that things are going WELL for once! We are so blessed with this little miracle that's for sure!

I am officially in my 2nd trimester (yay!) and am still feeling a lot of food aversions. Sometimes I feel like I could vomit at any minute! I really hate this feeling because I hate not being able to eat. I lost 2lbs at my last appointment! I don't want to lose weight because I know it is taking away from what the baby needs. Anyhow, look for an update on September 30th for the news! Now for my 15 week belly shot! Still not much there, but I think it will be here soon enough!

12 weeks :)

WOW! I am to a point I never thought I would ever be at! 12 weeks! I am so incredibly blessed and feel so much better knowing that once I finish out my 12 weeks I will officially in the 2nd trimester! This is so big!

One year ago I completely gave up on trying, and I thought for sure that we would never be parents. Here we are, blessed beyond I could have ever imagined! This evening was spent with my Mother-in-law and we went around looking at all of the baby stuff. I was even more excited just looking at it and actually KNOWING that it is real. It's such a different feeling going into a baby store and knowing that in just a little while, you will have a little one to buy for. Before when we used to go it used to be sad. We never knew if it would happen or not, though we always had the bedding and everything we wanted..but of course it would always be discontinued. That was always a harsh reality..when the bedding you love is discontinued. We had tried for so long we probably went through a ton of bedding we loved. It's a weird rationality..but it's so true. Now, the crib we liked I think is discontinued..BUT it's okay, because I know that we actually get to really buy one this time.

I have been feeling pretty good! I can't complain at all, not that I would because I am just so blessed and thankful. *Knock on wood* I haven't thrown up ONCE! I have still been really tired but the worst part I think is the food adversions. I can't eat a lot without it grossing me out so I stick to a lot of cereal. But even that is starting to get old. I think it will all go away shortly, but I will take whatever I receive! I'm just so thankful and so excited. I can't wait for our next ultrasound, which probably won't be for another 6 weeks or so, but I'm just excited to see what this little one is :)

Okay enough blabbing for now, thanks for reading!

xoxo
Jenn

In Awe :)

I am so sorry it has taken me so long to update! Anyhow, since my last post we have made our LAST two NYC trips! YES!! We have finally "graduated" from the fertility clinic and are "normal"!

Our 1st of the last appointments we had an ultrasound and were able to see and hear our little peanuts heartbeat. THAT was sooo amazing. I was so nervous just because of the circumstances but "she" was beating away! I already love our little peanut SO much!

Our 2nd (last) appointment we had another ultrasound but this time our baby looked SO much different! "She" had legs and arms! It was just such an amazing sight..it was truly so beautiful! She's already super cute, and every time I look at the photo, I just start laughing because she's sooooo cute! When the tech held the probe in one spot you could see our little ones arms and legs moving all over the place! It was adorable!

After our ultrasound we met with the doctor and he basically just thanked us and told us that "we are changing the world of In-vitro". He said that with the Mini IVF we did 5% of the usual injections..which is incredible! I am so thankful we have been able to be a part of this experience and I can't wait to get a copy of the study. That fertility clinic has given us our dream and I will never be able to repay them for that! So, in honor of them, we decided that if we have a girl (which of course..as you can tell above..we think it's a girl) her middle name will be Hope. The fertility centers name is "New Hope Fertility Center" which is SO true. It honestly gave us new hope!

Okay I am so sorry this is rather short..but I am exhausted!

Oh! And our actual due date is February 26th, 2010!

xoxo
Jenn

It's a deep hurt.

This afternoon/evening has been a little difficult for me. We found out that our very good friends have lost their baby. She was only a few weeks ahead of me. I feel so terrible for them and it honestly hurts me on the inside to know they are going through this. These are two AWESOME people and they don't deserve this. However, I told her that we may never understand why God does the things he does, but there is always a reason behind it. Sometimes we may never find out why, but there is.

It has taken me a long time to realize this myself. But after the last few months, how can I not? We have been through a grueling 4 years. We have cried, screamed, hated, loved, and really just felt every emotion possible..but it was all for this beautiful reason. It has made us so much stronger than we were before and now more than ever..we will never take anything for granted.

I'm just so sad for them. I'm sad that (provided everything goes well with my pregnancy) she will have to watch me go through my pregnancy and have a beautiful outcome..when she was supposed to have that too, only a few weeks before me. I pray that they will remain strong, faithful, and that they will come out on top. I know they will, they are great people. I just need to put her emotions ahead of mine and be there for her and pray that she will be okay.

I know what it is like to be jealous. Watching everyone around you get pregnant and you've never even seen a positive pregnancy test before. I don't want her to feel this way. It is a terrible feeling. A feeling so bad that you can't even go to baby showers. Something that is such a happy place for everyone else is not so happy for you. As happy as you want to be for someone, and as much as you love them..doesn't hold back the jealousy and hurt that you feel. It's natural.

They were supposed to come in town next week and stay with us for a few days so we could hang out and have fun..but I'm not so sure that they will be coming anymore, but I don't blame them. They need this time to grieve..but I would also love to see them so we can show them how much we do care.

Speaking of deep hurt. We spoke in church Sunday. Boy, was that hard! It was hard to talk without crying. I don't know why I was even crying..either the hurt we have felt or the amazing miracle we have been given..or both? I really appreciate the feedback we received from people. A few had their own testimony to share with me (which was DEFINITELY nice to hear) and some just telling us how happy they were for us as they knew what a journey it had been for us. The hardest part was never hearing from parts of his family. They had known how hard it was for us..and not a word. I guess they still hate us from not being around..but never do they ask the real reason for that. Some of you know what I am talking about, some of you don't, but I'm not going to elaborate. It just proves even more so now how I have never been a true part of that family. I've never mattered enough to them..and probably never will. I pray that would change, but I can't change their hearts.

I feel a deep hurt everyday for everything that happened with his family. I hurt about all of the mean things that were said about me. I hurt knowing that people I thought loved me, really didn't. I hurt that "family" would be so cruel. I hurt that my child is probably going to miss out on the most special times with that family. It's not our babies fault. But, I will probably be ridiculed for everything I do or say, or the way I look..so why would I want to subject her/him to that? I don't want them constantly wondering what is being said about them either..it hurts too much. I try to remain strong..but when you have terribly low self esteem, sometimes it's not enough.

Anyhow..I guess tonight is just a really sad night for me. I hurt for our friends. I hurt for a lot of different reasons tonight. I haven't felt this sad in a long time. Maybe I'm just tired.

Until next time,
xoxo
Jenn

Heartbeat on Saturday!

Hey everyone! So, our appointment in NYC to hear our little ones heartbeat has been moved to this coming Saturday. It was originally going to be Tuesday but I am SO thankful they let us move it to Saturday. That way, I don't have to miss any work and Ross was able to get his weekend moved so he didn't have to use any days. I am so so excited, yet so so scared. I keep trying to be positive..but there are ALWAYS "what ifs". I am really trying not to focus on those..but I do have to keep it in my head as a possibility unfortunately.

My mom and sister are going to be going with us, which should be nice. It won't be so lonely on the ride there and back, LOL! Anyhow, please keep us in your prayers as I will probably be a nervous wreck.

Hope you all are well!

xoxo
Jenn

Numbers are good!!

Okay, so maybe I'm getting really terrible at updating this thing. I need to get it together! LOL!

Anyhow, 1 week ago on Friday I got my #'s back and they had gone from 80 to 2,789 in 1 week. Then, 1 week after that (this past Friday) the nurse said my #'s were great and above 25,000. So, it looks like I have a healthy peanut so far! Of course, I still pray every night that things stay positive. We should hear the little heartbeat in about a week and a half or so..I couldn't be MORE excited about that!

As for how I am feeling, I am still feeling pretty good. I am basically tired and hungry all of the time and have to pee more frequently. None of this I can complain about, I am just so thankful to be on this journey finally! I think once you battle infertility you are so much more grateful for the gift of life. So many people take it for granted..and that is one thing I can promise I will NEVER do as long as I live. I will be forever grateful.

Better run, I'm getting sleepy again!

xoxo
Jenn

Here it is!

I got a picture of the test I took today! I have been feeling doubtful for some reason and needed to reassure myself. But here it is! It's good and dark!

That's all for today,
xoxo
Jenn

What I'm feeling....

Well, I am a whopping 4 weeks and 3 days along! But I thought I would use this to document everything like I have with our infertility. So far I have only had minor symptoms such as: fatigue, getting hungry more often, urinating more often, and I am STILL having this metal taste in my mouth! A few days before we found out I started tasting a metal taste in my mouth..but I made myself believe it wasn't a symptom and kept telling myself it was my braces! Anyhow, I am still tasting it and today it has been a lot more than other days. That's okay though because I know these are only minor for what's to come..and I am TOTALLY fine with that!

I am really excited that by sharing our experience we have had some people come out to us and ask questions as they are having to go through this themselves. That is the whole reason I put this out there and informed everyone about our NYC trips. I feel like God had given us this challenge to be able to help others. I hope the word can spread even further and we get really be a source of help for people..SO, if you know anyone who is going through infertility or if they think they will have to go through it..PLEASE send them our way! If they don't want to leave a comment on here, feel free to email me @ JennMusick1@yahoo.com

Okay..that's really it for now..I am SO exhausted! Maybe time for a nap!

xoxo
Jenn

The results are in.....

I'M PREGNANT!!!! Can you believe it?! I am SHOCKED!

I'm so sorry I haven't posted sooner, we actually found out on Wednesday but it has been a little crazy since! My hCG level was 26 on Wednesday and they consider anything at 25 or above pregnant. I had a horrible time getting the blood work done though..I thought for sure it was a sign of a horrible outcome to my day!

Anyhow, I went again today for blood work (to a different lab, mind you..where they could ACTUALLY do my results STAT and not just tell me they can..and then can't..yeah that was my day Wednesday..LOL!). My results are GREAT! My hCG is now 80 (which means it actually TRIPLED! They want it to at least double), my progesterone is 29, and my estrogen is 327. He said my numbers are great and that I will continue with taking my Estrace 2x a day and my progesterone gel. In 1 week and 2 weeks I will complete more blood work to make sure my numbers continue to rise like they should, and then in 3 weeks we will have our first ultrasound! We will also go back in 4 weeks I believe and should be released from the clinic! This means no more driving back and forth to NYC! It will be bitter sweet I am sure but I just pray that my numbers continue to be great and I have a nice healthy pregnancy!

I'm not feeling too much different, I am getting extremely tired during the day and getting tired earlier at night. I also woke up hungry this morning for the first time. Not sure if that's just a fluke or if it's the start! Anyhow, I am officially 4 weeks and 1 day today..hard to believe but we are SO thrilled! Best Father's day gift EVER for him!!!

Okay, gotta run!
xoxo keep the prayers coming!

All Systems Go!!!

Well, the transfer was successful! I'll start with the beginning of the trip though, just because :)

My sister actually came with us this time. She's never been to NYC before so she thought it would be fun and she didn't have to work. We ended up getting to the clinic and all they had to do was blood work. They basically just needed to confirm that the transfer was going to be the next day. They had said that they would call later in the day to let us know what time it would be. After we left the clinic we headed to Times Square and walked around for a bit and had a quick lunch at Planet Hollywood..since last time we tried to eat there they called us back for the retrieval! After that we went to the World Trade Center area so she could see that..I could walk around there a hundred times probably and never get bored!

Anyhow, we were all pretty exhausted so we headed back to the hotel and checked in and everything. I still hadn't heard from them at 3pm but decided to give it a little longer. We all took a nap and I realized that I had slept passed 5!! I tried to call but it just kept going to their voicemail so I started freaking out..I was finally able to leave a message for the on call doctor. He called me back and basically said from what he remembered from my records, everything looked okay and to just come on in the morning. After that we just basically hung around the hotel and watched some John and Kate plus 8.

The next morning I called and they confirmed that I was on the schedule for 10:45. Then it all started to seem real! This was REALLY going to happen! We got there, they took me upstairs, and I changed into the beautiful gown, booties, and hair net..fabulous, lol! I waited there for a little bit and was able to chat with the lady beside me. She was having her retrieval and I told her what a great experience I had with mine and told her she would be okay. I went in and talked with the nurse..she has been there for every one of my procedures and I absolutely love her! She gave me a shot (of what? I'm not sure, one of my friends seems to think it was Progesterone because that's what she had..so I'm guessing it probably was because it makes sense!) and then basically just went over some of the after care instructions.

Then, they gave me a picture of my little embryo! You would have thought I had seem my full term baby for the first time! My heart literally melted! This was the closest we have ever been to have a baby and I just saw it all before my eyes. Anyhow, they then called me back and I got up in the chair. The doctor talked to me for a second and then they put my embryo up on a monitor and made me confirm my number..it was nice ot see it again :) He then did the transfer, it was quick and easy! Mostly like a pap smear, nothing more than that. Afterwards he said that the embryo looked great and my lining was great..so he expected to hear good news next week! This was SO reassuring to me! The doctor even said so! YES!

Afterwards I just layed back in a chair in the recovery room for about 20 minutes. Then I went and finished talking to the nurse and went over the rest of the after care instructions. They told me not to lay in bed for the next week because all it does is make the time go by longer and can even cause more stress on your body. They told me to go on with my normal activities..just in moderation. The trial coordinator came in and said that I needed to come back next Wednesday and Friday for blood work..BUT they are letting me do it at home. I can't keep driving back and forth for just blood work..it costs us too much money each time! Anyhow..so that means we will find out on Wednesday! I can't believe it! I just keep praying that this is going to finally be IT! It just has to be!

I am remaining positive and following the instructions to have no stress..so far, it's been pretty good. I just can't believe it is so soon! I am also so grateful for our family and friends who are constantly praying for us. I am so glad we have so much support! It is so important and I will be forever grateful to them!

Alright, gotta run but wanted to post about the transfer! God is SO good!!!

The show is on the road!

WOW!!! This last trip to NYC was definitely the most stressful, THAT'S for sure! We had an amazing drive in this time. I drank a Rockstar and actually was able to drive half of the way (for once..I always fall asleep!) and Ross got an Amp for his drive and we were set! We actually made good time too and got to the train station at about 7:15am. We grabbed some iced coffees and something small for breakfast and had to wait about 40 minutes or so for the next train since the weekend schedule isn't as often. So, we get on the train and get to the next station and they announce that we were being held there because of a power outage at New York-Penn Station. We waited for like 20 minutes and then they came on saying that we could get on another train, go to another station, and then take the PATH train into the city. So, we did that, but I was totally frightened once we were headed down the escalator only to see people flying off of it at the bottom into a sea of people!! It was like I saw my death before my eyes! I knew I was going to be one of those people in only a matter of seconds! Anyhow, lucky for us the people at the bottom cleared the way before we got down there. Once we were down there I said screw it because there were SO many people waiting for the same train..we weren't going to get on. So, we went back upstairs to the train we had gotten off of and decided to wait it out..then, they announced that the train was turning around and going back to the station we had come from! We got off and went to a different platform and waited for a different train, we waited probably 30-40 minutes for that one..got on, and then went to a totally unfamiliar train station. We then got on another train to take us into the city (which we had to wait for as well..actually we had to wait for 2 before we could actually get on because there were so many people cramming onto them). We got on, and it took us to another unfamiliar station, luckily there was a subway there and we were able to find a route that would take us to where we needed to get off! UGH! So, what should have taken us 1 hour, took us 4! Ross was able to laugh about it..me? Not so much.

So, we got to the clinic and all I had to do this time was get blood taken. So, we talked to the coordinator and asked him if we could wait for the results since we are from out of town, we needed to know if we had to stay or not. So, we waited for about an hour..in the mean time I went to see if they could extend my FMLA since it only went through the 8th. Well, basically they said no because since the one they were able to fill out was because I had surgery there and paid for it. Since I am receiving free treatment I am really only a number (I check in with a #..not my name) so when my work would call to get medical records, they would only have a surgery listed under my name and nothing else. Freaking awesome. Bah!

After waiting, they called me back and said that my transfer is on Wednesday! WOW! He said that I ovulated on Friday so 5 days after that is Wednesday. They have to do the transfer on Wednesday because they froze the eggs on day 5. We have to go on Tuesday for blood work just to confirm the transfer date, and then the transfer will be the next day! So, he said I basically just have to take it totally easy on that day..so we have decided just to stay the night and then drive back the next day, and I will take it easy Thursday too. I am going to try to take it as easy as possible until it's the date I get tested to find out if I get pregnant or not! I am also taking Estrace (estradiol) 2x a day, and taking a progesterone suppository every night (fun, right?) and will continue those he said for 6 weeks.

So, that's where we are! We are SO close!! If you pray, please please pray that this is it and it works! This is just about our last chance to ever have our own baby and I just pray it works! I feel like I am almost too confident that it's going to work..and I know that I will be let down that much harder if it doesn't work, but I have to remain positive and let nothing get to me!

Better run, I will post when I get back! Wish us luck!

xoxo
Jenn

We're well on our way!

Life for the last 3 days has been CRAZY! We left on Thursday night for NYC. We drove about 5 hours and stopped to sleep, then drove the rest of the way. We ended up getting stuck on the train into the city for about a half hour.."mechanical difficulties". We finally got to the clinic and the first thing I did was get my FMLA form signed! That was such a relief. I then had my post op check from the Hysteroscopy (all is perfect, said I am totally cleaned out, nothing left) and they did my follie/lining check. They are basically monitoring me for when I ovulate so they can do the embryo transfer. My lining is already at 7.5 which they said is perfect because they expect at least a 7 for the transfer and I have about a week until the transfer is done! So, after that we left because this time we didn't have to wait for the results. On the way home they called and said that we need to be back this Thursday for b/w and u/s. Then the doctor called and said that they haven't received the pathology report back, and that it can take up to 2 weeks so hopefully they will receive that by the time I go back. The day of the embryo transfer is getting so close and I couldn't be more excited!

Anyhow, we drove back and then stopped to have dinner with my family since my aunt is in from California. After that we headed to my parents to help get ready for my sisters graduation party. When we got there we realized that my dog was going to have her puppies that night!! SO, at this point mind you we have only had 2 hours of sleep, LOL! Anyhow, we continued to help her and we decided just to stay the night at her house because we didn't want to move the dog in the middle of labor. So, we ended up going to sleep at about 12:30am and I woke up at 3pm to hear a little tiny puppy!! She had birthed the first one and had started cleaning it up. At about 5 she had all of the puppies (all 6!) and we gave her a bath. They are adorable! We have 2 white, 2 tan, 1 dark tan, and 1 black. Anyhow, then we went to bed after that and slept until about 8:30 so we could get everything ready for the graduation party.

I got ready, and went with my mom to get last minute things, got back and started making the food and setting up and everything. At this point my legs were KILLING me! I was starting to feel sooo drained. The party went great though, awesome turn out!

I am still feeling so exhausted though, I don't know how many more times Ross and I can do the drive to NYC! Driving there and back for a 15 minute appointment is getting bad, LOL! I know it is definitely worth it but I think I am going to try to fly this week! Though, the flights don't look too promising, none of the times work out to what I would need!

Alright, this was short and sweet, but I have GOT to rest! I am sooo tired still!

**Jenn**

Decided to go to the ER..

Here's the scoop:

My bleeding still hasn't slowed down. I went pee last night around midnight and had a ton of blood gush out when I sat down, and then when I woke up at 6 I had a TON more just like fall out. It was so disgusting. Anyhow, I got in the shower and was getting ready for work and just started feeling really weak and light headed and shaky..so I told DH that I thought I needed to go to the ER. Well, we got there and had to wait about an hour as I am guessing they were slammed from last night with the holiday..there weren't many people in the waiting room but they didn't exactly take my bleeding much of a priority. We got back there and I changed into a gown and the nurse said that once the doctor came in he would probably want to go a pelvic exam so I would have to take my underwear off at some point. He came in and started asking questions about what I had done, yada yada. Every single person thought it was ridiculous it seemed that we were traveling to NYC for IVF. I didn't want to tell them I was participating in a clinical trial because since I work in insurance, I knew that if they even put a clinical trial diagnosis on the claim, it would get denied..even though the procedure was done as a normal patient and I am paying for it. He did my pelvic exam and said that there wasn't any sort of problem and the blood was just coming from my uterus. He spoke with another doctor and then they checked my blood levels and gave me an entire bag of fluids. They then called my doctor in NYC and they decided it would be okay for me to go home, but I just need to be checked out when we go to NYC on Friday.

So, it appears there's not a real issue (which is what I was really concerned about) and I guess I will just let it run it's course. I am cramping pretty bad again and bleeding really heavily still..it just confuses me that I have no idea where all of this blood is coming from. I already had my period about a week ago and it just seems like so much more than that.

I just keep hoping that it will slow down but it doesn't seem like it's going to any time soon. Guess we will have to just wait and see for our appointment on Friday! This is going to be a long trip if I am still bleeding like this..Holy cow.

Okay..so maybe I'm not feeling so hot.

Okay, so if you have a weak stomach, I will warn you now to turn away. If not, I'm still sorry if I am being too graphic for you, but when you live a life of infertility..it's what I have to deal with.

I had been feeling great after the Hysteroscopy. I only had some slight spotting and minimal cramping..I thought I was in the clear. Sunday morning I went pee, and had nothing when I wiped but by noon it was like a faucet was turned on. I had felt kind of weird and was cramping a little bit but I honestly didn't think much about it. I waited for about 2 hours to see if it would let up and it didn't so I called the clinic. The lady that was in the operating room with me actually got on the phone and asked me questions like how heavy it was and what color it was. I told her that it was bright red blood and it was a lot when I would sit down on the toilet. She put me on hold while she talked to the doctor and came back and said that if I filled 1 pad in 1 hour, then I needed to go to the emergency room. Otherwise, I needed to be seen the next morning. I told her that would be really difficult because I live in Ohio and she said just to call them back with what I had to do because they would need to put that in my chart.

I waited for awhile and never filled a pad. As a matter of fact, it was the weirdest bleeding I have ever had. It never hit the pad, it would only come spilling out when I would sit on the toilet. When I say spilling out, I mean spilling out. There was so much that the water was all red in the toilet. I felt like total shit. I was sooo crampy and uncomfortable from the pad. I contemplated all day on what I should do because it honestly just didn't seem normal. The paper they sent me home with said that I wouldn't get a period for about 30-40 days as basically what they did during the procedure was completely clean my uterus out..so where was the blood coming from?

Later Ross and I decided to get something to eat so we went to TGI Fridays. I felt fine until after I ate..then I felt like I was going to throw up everywhere. Afterwards though we went and walked around Walmart because I wanted to see if it would come out or not. Luckily on our way home Kim (from mybabyish) called me and made me feel a lot better. She shared her experience with having a D & C which is mostly the same thing, except I wasn't having a miscarriage. I decided to wait it out through the night and give the clinic a call in the morning.

I called this morning and spoke to a different nurse. This time she made it sound like it was totally normal since I was on birth control for 3 days before the procedure. I just found it so weird that the girl yesterday sounded really concerned about the bleeding, and today she sounded like it was fine. So..basically all day I just held out and have been dealing with it. Though it seemed to get heavier today as I finally started bleeding onto the pad. This morning though when I woke up I felt like I was going to vomit after looking into the toilet. It just came pouring out..SO gross.

It's these kinds of things that people who can get pregnant so easily don't understand! It's these kinda of things that we have to go through! It's not just frustrating, it's physically painful and horrible.

Ok, that's my rant for now..I'm going to watch it and maybe call my OBGYN tomorrow to see what they think.

Oh, and sorry if this was TMI!

**Jenn**

Hysteroscopy....CHECK!

So, we're back, AGAIN! For some reason this trip seemed so much more exhausting..I think I'm starting to hit a wall.

Anyhow, we left earlier than we usually do because I had to be to the office at 8. We wanted to allow 1 hour from the train station to the office, but we ended up being about 10 minutes late..but that was okay. I for some reason just can't stay awake over night to save my life. Ross always ends up driving the whole way because I just basically crash. This was the first time we had to pull over for about 30 minutes for him to get a power nap. I don't know how he does it to be honest.

When we got to the clinic, they took me upstairs relatively quickly. I went up, they put my band on me and I changed into the beautiful gown, booties, and hair net. I waited there for awhile, I saw the lady before me having the same thing done come out and she talked to me about it and said it was so quick and she wasn't hurting at all. That was reassuring because at this point my leg was shaking like crazy! Anyhow, I talked with the nurse for awhile, she is such a sweet lady. They then called me back and I walked back, got up on the table and was once again open to the world to see. I have definitely lost all modesty. Legs high up in the air, spread, and gown pushed back with about 3 or 4 people in the room=NICE. LOL! Anyhow, the anesthesiologist was awesome. He put my IV in so quickly and within probably a minute I was out!! I woke up in the recovery room which freaks me out a little bit because that means I had to of gotten off of the chair in the operating room, into a wheelchair, and into another chair in the recovery room. LOL, none of this I remember. I just remember waking up in the chair. I basically just laid there for probably 10 minutes because I felt so tired. Once I was okay I got up and got changed and then talked with the nurse about what they found.

They found some Endometriosis overgrowth and she said it scraped off really easily, and that they cleaned out my entire uterus so it's basically all brand new that way I have a better chance of the embryo implanting. YES! I felt so great about that and then wondered if that was the reason all along. It seems like my eggs can fertilize easily but I am wondering if the problem lied in my uterus with not a good place for it to implant. Let's hope this is now solved!

Anyhow, we met with the clinical research guy and he said he would like us to be back this coming Friday for an ultrasound and bloodwork. Luckily this time we don't have to wait (which is going to feel like even more pointless for driving 8 hours each way for something that takes 15 minutes..but it IS worth it I keep telling myself!). He sent me home with Estradiol and Progesterone to take once they call me back with those results. He just wanted to give it to me then so I have it.

One thing bad came out of this whole trip and that was that he wouldn't fill out my FMLA form. I am devastated by this because I am out of days that I can use at work and now that I am on unpaid time off, each section of days counts as an occurance I think. So, I think I will get one from this past trip, next week, and then the transfer. That would be 3! I am so nervous because I HATE having things like that on me. I'm just so scared that it's all going to crumble now..I just pray that it won't.

Anyhow, on the way home I think it was the longest of all. We ended up having to stop again for 30 minutes because he was just too tired..and me, I wasn't any help seeing that I was sleeping off the anesthesia still. Once we got home we were sooo glad.

I really felt fine after the procedure, just a little spotting. But as the day went on I started to cramp a bit and spotted more. I think it was just from the car ride being so bumpy and everything. The next day I didn't go to work because I was having such a hard time waking up. That anesthesia had the best of me I think, It was honestly painful to wake up the next day.

I am really thankful that we won't be missing my sisters graduation party. Our appt is on Friday and her party is on Saturday. I feel bad we won't be able to help get ready like we had originally planned, but thankfully my family is so supportive and they know what we need to do.

The transfer should be in about 2 weeks..so please keep your fingers crossed that it can be on like a Thursday or Friday so I don't miss too much work! I have to have a job! Sometimes it just seems so unfair that no one really gets what this is like. Really.

Until next time!
xoxo
Jenn

Back to NYC!!

Okay, so we are headed back to NYC tonight!!! Tomorrow I am having a Hysteroscopy to clean out anything that could prevent me from getting pregnant, like fibroids, cysts, etc. I'm not sure what to expect though. All I know is that I can't eat after midnight (which driving during the whole night without any food/more importantly no iced coffee..I'm going to be reeeaaaalllyyy fun!) or drink, that we have to be there at 8am, and that I will basically be in a "twilight". I have never been in that, just always been put out the whole way. Anyhow, I have read that cramping and some spotting is normal afterwards..my question is, HOW bad will the cramps be. I cramp like crazy when I have my period and I swear they better not be like those! We have decided to drive home tomorrow unless I don't feel well, then we will try to find a cheap hotel and then drive back on Friday.

I am just SO amazed at how perfectly this has come together so far (knock on wood). It's like it is meant to be. I mean EVERYTHING has come together. When I started spotting on Saturday I was so bummed that my Hysteroscopy would be pushed back further because you aren't supposed to be on your period during it. Well, typically I will spot for about 3 or 4 days before the "real" thing comes. Think that happened this time? NO!!! Why? God works in mysterious ways!!! He knew that I had to have my Hysteroscopy Thursday and by golly, it happened!

If you read this, sorry if it's all TMI. This is a reality for us and when I say I am a very open person, I mean it. I'm just so used to posting on bulletin boards and that's where you can release it all, and I just don't care who knows anymore! It is a true battle of winning and losing. A battle of heartache. It's so nice to be able to have friends who have gone through this same thing, because they can understand when you get a negative pregnancy test and you just want to break down and literally lose it. My heart aches for a girl on the board who did a Frozen Embryo Transfer (as I will be too) and her first beta was a 9, and today it was only in the 3's. It's obvious what that means, and I'm just so sad for her. It's hard to watch other girls (AND yourself) have to go through this month after month. Then you get to see people in your life get pregnant over and over again without barely trying or calling it an "accident"! Well HELLO! Where is MY "accident"?!?! Sorry, I went off into a bit of a rant, but it's hard to make other people realize how many emotions really go into this. People say "oh you're young" but they just don't get it. I am just thankful we have found out while being young.

Okay! Gotta finish eating my "last meal" as I call it before having surgeries, LOL! Then gotta hit the shower and then hit the road!

Until next time,
**Jenn**

And then there were 2

Hey everyone..if anyone reads this, LOL. Just wanted to post to say that the other 2 they were waiting for didn't make it. I guess they were progressing like they expected them to and so they had to destroy them. So, we have 2 frozen embabies (embryos..I just like to call them embabies because they are my babies..or at least the closest thing I have ever come to my baby!) that will wait for us until later this month or the beginning of next.

At first I was a little discouraged with only having 2 frozen..but then I got to thinking about it and then I had to wake up and say "HELLO! That's more than you would have had!! AND it's the closest we have EVER come to being parents!". So, I am ecstatic about 2..I just pray that when it comes time, that they take them out, they both survive that. If they do..I know they are tough, tough, tough and will be able to handle anything!

Mother's Day was a little bit difficult as it is every year. But this time it was a little easier just knowing I am a mommy to 2 little embryos. You might think I am crazy..but they are a part of me and may one day become my little baby. Just keep praying for us, PLEASE! In a week from Thursday we head back up for my Hysteroscopy. Hopefully that won't be too painful..yuck. After this whole thing is done I don't even want to know how many people have been "down there"!!!

Gotta run!

Freeze Frame!

Alright so just a quick update: they have frozen 2 of our little 'embabies' and will freeze 2 more tomorrow. I am assuming this is because 2 of the eggs were fertilized the day after the first 2. Soooo, so far so good!! Yes!

It's been awhile, but we are doing the IVF trial!!

Okay, so I have been really bad about updating this thing. I need to get in the swing of doing this! Anyhow this one might be a long one so bear with me!

Basically our first visit to New York City was back in March. They basically went through all of the paperwork and talked to us about what is involved. They told us that if we were accepted there was a possibility they would cancel us if it wasn't working. I had an ultrasound and they drew some blood work. They had to check how may antral follicles I had..I was slightly below the amount required for the trial but they said it was okay. One thing that struck me was the doctor asked if early menopause ran in my family and that my ovaries looked that of a 40/70 (couldn't understand what he said) year old! My reaction? "WHAT?!" Anyhow, he said he wasn't certain as he couldn't tell on the ultrasound but it was still quite alarming. The trial coordinator talked with the doctor afterwards and basically had to decide on whether they were going to offer us the trial. He called us back to his office and said that he had good news and he also had bad news..of course I asked for the bad news first! He said that we weren't great candidates as I have less eggs..he said my ovaries are about 10 years older than I am..but his good news was that they were going to accept me into the trial anyways!! I was so ecstatic! I was scared, nervous, happy, and basically anything you can imagine! So, he gave me birth control pills and said that I would begin them the day I go for my bloodwork which would be a few weeks after that.

So, once this cycle started we headed up to NYC on Monday, April 20th, for the beginning of everything. They did bloodwork and the coordinator said my levels were a little bit higher than they like and that I really wasn't a good candidate for the trial but they were going to go ahead with it anyway. He chose the envelope which would determine my fate of which route of IVF we would be going through. We were put into the Mini IVF which I was sooo thankful for! Conventional IVF focuses more on quantity of eggs, where as Mini IVF focuses more on QUALITY which is more important to me! So, after that visit he gave me Clomid to take and said I would be taking it for many days and also gave me 3 doses of Menopur.

We went home, mind you traveling to and from is absolutely INSANE! We usually have to leave at 11pm and drive through the night. It's about a 7 1/2 hour drive. We arrive to the train station at about 8am, get on a train to go into the city, get on a couple Subway's, and then walk to the office..it's pretty time consuming and exhausting but totally worth it. Anyhow, I started taking my Clomid and Ross gave me my injections in my tummy..I am thankful he is so graceful with those..sometimes they sting but that's not his fault.

We had to head back on Friday, April 24th for more blood work and ultrasound. They said that things were progressing well and that I need to come back on Monday. So, on the 27th, we did the drive again for the same thing..blood work and ultrasound. This time they said we had to come back on Wednesday! So, not only did we get home Monday night around 11pm, we had to leave exactly 24 hours after that for another drive!

We arrive on Wednesday the 29th for the same stuff, blood work and ultrasound, waited 2 hours for the results (by which we went to Neil's Coffee Shop for breakfast, and that is like my favorite place now!). When we got back they said that they needed us to stay through the weekend as my levels had jumped up so much in only 2 days. So, that night I was supposed to take Clomid and another Menopur injection. We left there and called my mom to book our hotel room online since it was a little cheaper and then headed back to pick up the car in Newark, NJ and drive to the hotel which was in Queens. That took like 2 hours, traffic in NYC is just crazy! No wonder why people don't drive! LOL! So, we got to the hotel and took a well deserved nap, got up and headed to dinner. When we got back, Ross was getting the injection ready and realized they sent us home without a needle! Can't give myself an injection without a needle! So, I freaked for a few minutes and then called the answering service to the clinic..a lady called me back and asked for a pharmacy number so she could call in a needle. Well, we weren't from around there so we asked the people at the hotel and all they could do was point to the pharmacy a few blocks away..so poor Ross had to run while I sat on the phone with the nurse. He got the number and then the nurse called in the needle but they wouldn't allow it since I wasn't getting medication! Mind you, we stayed in a SCARY party of town..so, I can see why they wouldn't allow that! We were in Jamaica, Queens and were surrounded by scary people and a lot of homeless people..it was truly heartbreaking.

Anyhow, we didn't do the injection and only did the Clomid, we went back to the clinic on Thursday and they said that the Egg Retrieval would be on Sunday (we were previously told it would be Saturday). So, they gave me an hCG shot, told me to continue to take Clomid, and I also began taking Indocin..which I am assuming that is to prevent ovulation. My blood work was good and my ultrasound was showing that I would possibly have 6 follicles for retrieval. We went back again on Friday for the same stuff, and then they said I would have to move the retrieval to Monday! So, they gave me another hCG injection and I went on my way after the ultrasound and bloodwork, same meds as the day before.

Same thing really for Saturday, only difference is I began taking a nasal spray at 9pm that night (after all of the same stuff..ultrasound, blood work, etc) and again at 10pm. Sunday I had to take the nasal spray at 10am, this is basically to release the eggs. Sunday they only did bloodwork and said that they would see me on Monday..not not before the coordinator literally almost gave me a heart attack! When he was there he said "we have a problem". So he basically said that my pap smear had expired and that they had no blood work on file for Ross. Which totally made sense because when I had my screening blood work that is required for all IVF's, Ross was sitting in the chair to get his and they said he didn't need it! So, I questioned it but they said it was only for me. So, basically he said we either had to do it right then or they would have to cancel me. Of course I said, alright let's do it! I was not about to go through all of that for nothing! So, after that, we went on our way. We had decided to spend the day at Times Square..it was a nasty day though, but still very cool to see! We sat down and ordered at Planet Hollywood when I received a phone call from the clinic. It was the coordinator (of which was supposed to be on a plane to Texas..so I hope we didn't make him miss his flight!). He said that they needed to see me right away and that the Egg Retrieval had to be right then. So, I freaked out a little bit and we had to tell our waiter that we had to leave..I felt horrible but was so thankful they hadn't made the food yet! So, we grabbed a small can of pringles to share so I would have something in my stomach and basically ran to the Subway station, had to get on 2 different ones, and then had to basically run to the clinic. When we got there there was barely anyone there! They did an ultrasound to make sure everything was okay and took me upstairs. They had me change into a gown and then gave me a Valium. I just sat there until it kicked in, then when it did I felt soooo loopy! It was kind of a nice feeling! LOL!

Anyhow, they took me into the room and I got into the chair/table thing and showed everyone in the room my goods because I had to put my legs in the stirrups(hey at this point, who HASN'T seem them?! Right?!). The doctor was soo great and friendly he described everything to me! He gave me 2 shots of local anesthesia on my uterus..which surprisingly didn't hurt at all really! Just felt like a little pinch! Then he had to do an ultrasound to locate the eggs. When he was about to grab one he just told me to breathe in and then breathe out really hard and that's when he got it. So, all in all we ended up retrieving 6 eggs! It was really cool because I was able to watch everything he was doing! I saw the ultrasound on the screen and then saw the egg in the thing the Embryologist uses..too cool! I was able to see the egg of what might potentially be my baby one day!

So, after that I changed and then had to wait for Ross to do his job. Men get off SO freaking easy when it comes to infertility..LITERALLY! Here I am getting pumped full of hormones, getting so much blood work that my arm is black and I look like I shoot up cocaine, having a huge ultrasound want shoved up my WhoHa, and he gets to "do" his little job into a cup?! Damn! It's okay though, going through all of this for years has made me a much stronger person that's for sure!

Anyhow, we went back to the hotel afterwards and just watched TV. We left early on Monday morning to come home. On our way home we got a message that 2 of our eggs had fertilized, 2 were a little immature and they did ICSI (a procedure where they actually inject the egg with sperm..giving a much better chance of fertilization) and said they would call back today (Tuesday) with those results, said that 1 egg was abnormal, and 1 was degenerate..which basically means that it was missing some Chromosomes.

We got the call today that the 2 that had ICSI both FERTILIZED! YES! So, right now we have 4 and they said it's possible we will have 1 more but they are watching it as it hasn't matured yet.

So, that is that! Our next step? We will wait for a phone call on Friday..with doing a Mini IVF, they always freeze the embryos before the transfer. So, once they do that they will let us know how they have done and if they are okay. Then, on May 21st I will go back to NYC for a Hysteroscopy. They are doing this (it is basically a D&C) to clean me out from anything that could prevent the embryo from implanting. Since I have previously had endometreosis (and probably still have it now) they need to "clean me out". So then after that happens we will do the transfer and continue to pray that it works!

So, that is that for now! I will keep things thing posted as the information comes in now!

The waiting game

Well, where do we stand? Basically we are just waiting for AF to show so we can head to NYC. I am EXTREMELY nervous about everything. It's such a big step. I'm not nervous to get pregnant. I am nervous about our jobs, driving in NYC, things like that. The clinic looks as if it is just outside of Manhattan and I have never been to NYC, let alone DRIVEN there! You always hear of the nightmare of driving there and I couldn't be more scared. What if we are late? What if we can't find parking? What do we do? These are things that keep playing in my head but I know I will just need to ask them when I call to schedule my 1st appointment. I am hoping that it will somehow end up on the weekend so I don't have to miss work. This is just so scary.

Anyhow, that's where we stand for now. We should be heading in a week or so. In a week, we could find out some life changing news and I couldn't be more excited about it!

Until next time,
Jenn

Update on where we stand with the IVF study

Well, I received my medical records from my RE and Ross faxed them in. I called the study to make sure they received them and the man told me to call when I get my period!!! So basically when AF comes, I will be going to NY on CD 2 or 3!!! I am trying to remain so hopeful. I went through my medical records and it really seems like we fit the categories of what they are looking for, but it really all depends on how my body is when I go for my 1st appointment!! Now all I have to worry about is my job..

I am so scared and upset because I talked to my boss about everything. She said I can fill out FMLA (that way my absences when I have to go for the trial will be protected and I won't get any occurances) but the only problem with that is it only lasts 16 weeks. So basically if I WERE to get pregnant and something were to happy to where I would need to be on bed rest, my job wouldn't be protected anymore :( I am so scared that I could possibly lose my job if I would have to be off later down the road. I just don't think I can pass up this opportunity if we get it. This will be a once in a lifetime chance and this is the WORLD to us!! I guess I just need to bite the bullet and do it and if I lose my job, it won't be for a long time and I will have to worry about that later!! Please say a prayer that I can get into this trial!! PLEASE!!

I have been reading the book "A Few Good Eggs". I'm only just beginning but it's so true!! Nobody understands infertility unless you have been through it! Because I can't get knocked up like everyone else, I could possibly lose my job?! It's just SO unfair!!! I'm going to go read some more of the book now..but wanted to update!!

A little hope? PLEASE GOD!!!

Well, I am hoping that something amazing will work out. A dear friend, Ana, from mybabyish posted and said there is an IVF study in New York City, so she sent me the info and I have "applied" if you will. The first bit was only a few questions and then I received an e-mail telling me to log in and complete a longer health summary. However, at the end it said that they will contact me with the date of my first appointment..so right off the bat, my hopes are UP!! I had hoped to not get my hopes up, but it just all feels so within reach! I guess I just need to have faith in that what is meant to be, will be, and if it doesn't work out..then that's okay, at least I tried. I just hope so much that Ana and I can go through this together!! She is in Florida and I am in Ohio, and it would be a lot of traveling for the both of us, but how amazing would this be?! I just pray that it will work out with my job (if it happens at all) and our finances. OHHH PLEASE WORK OUT!!

In other news, I am having surgery on Tuesday to remove yet ANOTHER kidney stone. Blah!! In December or so I had to have Lithotripsy to blast a kidney stone, and apparently a piece of it is now stuck right up against my bladder. I don't feel it (thank God..that is a miracle in itself!) but the doctor wants to be sure to get it out so it doesn't cause a blockage and cause bigger problems down the road. They basically have to go up my Ureter (which is where you pee) and blast it up into smaller pieces and remove the pieces. TALK ABOUT OUCH!! I have had this once before and was sooo sore right afterwards..like the worst burning in the world when urinating!! SOO not looking forward to this.

I am also getting braces in 3 weeks as well! I am pretty excited but I know what to expect. I have already had braces before but my Orthodontist found that my bottom teeth are too big for my jaw so no matter what they would have gone back to being crooked. So I have to have my front bottom teeth shaved down on the sides to make room for them to be straight. Anyway, I will have to post pics when I am a brace-face!!!

That's all for now, just wanted to get it off of my chest!

The world lost one beautiful baby..but Heaven gained one AMAZING angel

I just got back from going to baby Gabby's calling hours. It's just so sad and unfair.

She was absolutely beautiful, looked just like a baby doll. She looked so peaceful, so beautiful, so perfect. It was hard to believe the struggle that she had been facing for the 2 months of her life..you couldn't tell. She had perfect eye brows, perfect hair (from what I could see that was under the hat), perfect lips. It's just not fair for Leslie and Scott to have to go through this. They are amazing people as well as amazing parents and they don't deserve this either.

Leslie is my hero for appearing to be so strong tonight. She said something that really stuck with me and she said that she believes that the good ones don't stay long, and that Gabby must have been a REALLY good one. I totally believe that. Baby Gabby is in heaven and is now an angel and I feel the title of this blog says it all. The world lost one beautiful baby, but Heaven gained one AMAZING angel. Gabby is now watching over her baby sister Natalie and her mommy and daddy. She is now able to live freely without the tubes or without the IV's. She is able to roam freely and play with baby Hailey.

I'm just so sad for them, they are great people and I just pray that they will find peace and strength. That they can forever remember their baby Gabby but with a smile instead of a frown.

I will pray for them as I have been.

Here it is...#1

Well, here it is. I have been debating for awhile on if I should start a blog or not..but something lately has made me feel as if I should. A little about Ross and I:

I am 23 and Ross is 24, we have been married for just over 5 years and have been together for 6 1/2. We were married when I was 18 and he was 19..and I am so thankful we have made it this far. We got so much crap for being so young..which I understand, but I am so glad that now that we have made it this far, I can just say "HA".

Anyhow, about a year into our marriage or so we decided that we wanted to try to start our family. I guess when you're so young, you just assume that it should be as simple as tying your shoe. Boy were we wrong. After 6 months, I started feeling like something was wrong but didn't say anything. Then, 6 months turned into a year, and a year turned into a year and a half. At that point, I said something. I was put on Clomid for 4 months and ovulated for 3 of those months, but after my 4th month at my OBGYN's office..he said it was time to see someone else..a Reproductive Endocrinologist. So..we went there, I had already had some testing at my OBGYN's office that came out fine but my RE did some other ones, like the postcoital test and numerous blood works. All came out just fine. He put me on Clomid for another 2 months but this time along with the trigger shot and still BFN's. After that he put me on Follistim for 3 months with the trigger shot..but had to have a month in between each cycle due to cysts in my ovaries. Still nothing. After that he decided that it was best for me to have an Laparoscopy. Finally after 3 years of TTC we found the problem..or..1 of the problems we think. Stage 2/3 Endometriosis. So, he cleaned me out and was certain that was the cause. After I was healed, we did another cycle of Follistim and a trigger, but added the IUI this time..and guess what..still nothing. Never have I ever seen a positive pregnancy test. Except for the ones of course to monitor my trigger shot..but never a pregnancy. Nothing. After our IUI..we just decided it is time to wait it out for a little bit. Try to heal from the inside out for a little while.

No one can imagine the pain we feel. By saying 'we' I mean anyone who has to go through infertility. It is such a horrible kind of pain, a longing kind of pain. Something you know is completely out of your control.

I had a melt down last night..my first one in a little while. I just looked at Ross and felt so much guilt. Knowing that I can't provide a family for him absolutely kills me. He comforted me and then I realized how much I don't deserve someone like that. He is the sweetest, most caring, loving husband in the world. I don't know what I would do without him.

That's it for today.